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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 09/08/2022 13:40

It’s a bit like the difference between my mum saying that her house will always be my ‘home’ and my house being my home. Sure, I might be welcome to stay at hers and able to return (temporarily) if life goes wrong elsewhere. But it is not and never would be my home in the way my own home is.

I have no authority to make decisions about, for example, room allocation, decorative choices, energy suppliers, and so on. There’s an inescapable parent-child dynamic there, that is reinforced by the fact that it is my mum’s house. She owns it. She retains the authority over it, including who can and cannot stay in it and when.

So, even if this were the SS’s only home (and it most certainly is not), it is not his home in a way that entitles him to be there whenever he chooses and make key decisions about it. He needs to be allowed by the adult homeowners (or tenants) to be there, and properly supported and looked after.

During his mother’s contact time, he is not expected to be there so arrangements may have to be made or changed if he wants to be there at those times. It may be that he isn’t allowed to come on a particular weekend. And that is ok.

This stuff matters. The emotive concept of ‘home’ (like ‘family’) is so often thrown around on this board in such superficial and distorting ways. People seem unwilling to think through the complexities of the situation and just go with the reflexive emotional response. Then treat anyone who is realistic enough to consider the complexities as being ‘unkind’ to the children.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/08/2022 13:48

The 'it's his home' game is just 'All your base are belong to us' under another name. It's simply your DP and/or the ex and their kids claiming home owner rights on property/rental paid for by you!

Coffeepot72 · 09/08/2022 14:10

The 'your Dad's home is your home' only works if Dad is single and Dad owns or rents the house by himself. If Dad has a room in a shared house, this doesn't give the child dibs over anyone else's room in that house. It doesn't give the child the right to control what is watched on the communal TV. It doesn't give the child the right to hog the bathroom for hours. And it doesn't give the child the right to eat everyone else's food in the communal fridge either!

So if Dad is living in his partner's house - doesn't this apply pretty much too?

Exactly! Although lots of people will try and tell you otherwise ....

spinachi · 10/08/2022 02:09

*The 'your Dad's home is your home' only works if Dad is single and Dad owns or rents the house by himself. If Dad has a room in a shared house, this doesn't give the child dibs over anyone else's room in that house. It doesn't give the child the right to control what is watched on the communal TV. It doesn't give the child the right to hog the bathroom for hours. And it doesn't give the child the right to eat everyone else's food in the communal fridge either!

So if Dad is living in his partner's house - doesn't this apply pretty much too?*

Living with a partner and sharing an HMO are totally different things. Poor kid

RedWingBoots · 10/08/2022 04:50

spinachi · 10/08/2022 02:09

*The 'your Dad's home is your home' only works if Dad is single and Dad owns or rents the house by himself. If Dad has a room in a shared house, this doesn't give the child dibs over anyone else's room in that house. It doesn't give the child the right to control what is watched on the communal TV. It doesn't give the child the right to hog the bathroom for hours. And it doesn't give the child the right to eat everyone else's food in the communal fridge either!

So if Dad is living in his partner's house - doesn't this apply pretty much too?*

Living with a partner and sharing an HMO are totally different things. Poor kid

Yes they are different but neither homes are fully owned by the dad. They are owned in full or part by people not related to the child. As a PP pointed out often the house is fully owned and paid for by the partner.

I didn't have keys to my dad's house, there as had keys to my mum's. With some of my full siblings it was the other way round. Why? Because we had keys to the house of the parent we mostly lived with when under 16. If I randomly went round and caused problems for my SM or any of her relations, my mum would have read me the riot act.

This kid isn't a poor boy. He has a home with his mum. He's pushing boundaries and playing his parents off against one another. There is nothing stopping him asking his mum to drop him for a sleepover with his friend or giving him the money to get there himself.

People who come on this board think that SC don't need to learn manners and how to respectfully treat other people because their parents have split up.

SofaLola33 · 10/08/2022 06:45

Wow to the majority of people on this thread and OP!
The lack of empathy for this child! OP you may as well just call him my partners child as it’s clear that you do not see him as part of your family! It’s really sad to see and your partners child will have picked up on this!

DuchessDarty · 10/08/2022 06:48

Yes they are different but neither homes are fully owned by the dad. They are owned in full or part by people not related to the child.

The second sentence in the above quote certainly isn’t true for all situations. When my DSD’s DM was alive, my DSD had two homes and her home at her mother’s was owned in full by someone related to the child (her mother). In the OP’s instance, it sounds like it may be the same WRT to the mother’s house.

SudocremOnEverything · 10/08/2022 06:52

He is her husband’s child.

It’s not a lack of empathy to not just give a child what they want every time. He wants to stay at dad’s because it’s more convenient but dad is away. He can see his friend another time or ask his mum to take him.

Are you equally worried about the (presumably) terribly unempathetic mother who doesn’t appear to be taking him to and from his friend’s? It’s a half hour drive, not a trip to the moon. Or is she allowed to say no to her child?

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 10/08/2022 06:52

SofaLola33 · 10/08/2022 06:45

Wow to the majority of people on this thread and OP!
The lack of empathy for this child! OP you may as well just call him my partners child as it’s clear that you do not see him as part of your family! It’s really sad to see and your partners child will have picked up on this!

Where exactly am I lacking empathy? We aren't here. There will be times in his childhood when we are not available because we have plans Confused

also... He is my partner's child. Really confused.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 10/08/2022 06:53

SofaLola33 · 10/08/2022 06:45

Wow to the majority of people on this thread and OP!
The lack of empathy for this child! OP you may as well just call him my partners child as it’s clear that you do not see him as part of your family! It’s really sad to see and your partners child will have picked up on this!

I do call my stepchildren my partners children sometimes. Is that wrong?!

DuchessDarty · 10/08/2022 06:56

And I know of several situations where the father owns his own house and jointly owns the house the mother lives in with the mother.

However personally I think if a child spends regular time at two houses on a scheduled basis, then they have two he’s, regardless of who owns what.

SudocremOnEverything · 10/08/2022 06:58

DuchessDarty · 10/08/2022 06:48

Yes they are different but neither homes are fully owned by the dad. They are owned in full or part by people not related to the child.

The second sentence in the above quote certainly isn’t true for all situations. When my DSD’s DM was alive, my DSD had two homes and her home at her mother’s was owned in full by someone related to the child (her mother). In the OP’s instance, it sounds like it may be the same WRT to the mother’s house.

presumably your DSD was subject to her mother’s authority in that house though.

Even where there’s more than one house, ‘their home’ for children doesn’t make them in charge and entitle them to do whatever they like. They need the adults’ permission to be there, and, someone to be there supervising/looking after them overnight.

DuchessDarty · 10/08/2022 07:00

Yes of course @SudocremOnEverything

I was correcting a silly statement specifically about ownership.

Sally872 · 10/08/2022 07:57

If i had made arrangements for my teen to stay elsewhere for the weekend because me and his dad had plans i would not cancel plans because he wanted to be near friend for bike event even though it is his one and only home.

Of course dad's should be home and the child should have access to come more than or change contact schedule if they want to (and RP agrees). That doesn't mean they must have 100% access at all times.

Dad and step mum aren't available this weekend so not possible to stay is perfectly reasonable. And not the same as not being welcome or wanted or part of the household.

Lastly, i doubt step son would want to stay with OP's mum either, it would he awkward for him too if the don't know each other well.

Aubree17 · 10/08/2022 16:31

I wonder what DSS mum thinks of this

I don't think I would be happy with my DS going to his dads and being with his partners mum. Doesn't sit right.

McClaire · 10/08/2022 17:50

Ask your mum if she minds but tell her not to worry about saying no if she does not want to do it. Your mum might even be pleased to see him and have him there. Unless she is 99 that is and needs a zimmerframe and even then might be grateful for an extra pair of hands.

Friendlyear22 · 10/08/2022 19:13

I do think it’s worth considering that you should treat your children the same. It’s tricky being step-parents, but must be harder for the children when they feel not 100% welcome or part of the family. It would be lovely if you saw his as your son and his best interests that weekend as the priority and know that your mother as a lovely and reasonable adult will want to contribute to your blended family being happy. I think it’s worth considering. I can see how you immediately came to that decision. For sure. But I am so conscious that children shouldn’t feel like they are being penalised for their families being different. Good luck!

Johnnysgirl · 10/08/2022 19:18

It would be lovely if you saw his as your son and his best interests that weekend as the priority
🤣
She's having a child free weekend away. The boy with a perfectly good home elsewhere is not her priority, nor should it be.
There is no "penalising" of the boy whatsoever.

Mumofferralkid3 · 10/08/2022 19:22

Perhaps he is looking for someone to trust and prioritise him?!
OP you do come across as not liking him very much. I may be reading this wrongly and I apologise if I have but surely even liaising on his behalf with his friend's parents isn't beyond your remits? After all, everyone wants him to feel safe and wanted.

messymonkey1074 · 10/08/2022 19:28

I actually think this says more about your relationship with DSS than anything else.
He doesn’t seem like “part of the family” at all and he’s clearly feeling that.
Genuinely hate the “not my weekend” philosophy with blended families.
I bet your Mum would say “yeah no worries” if you asked.

Yousee · 10/08/2022 19:45

Why is it up to OP and her mother to pander to the boy and "prioritise his best interests"?
Why in the name of fuck does that logic not apply to his own mother who is supposed to be in charge of him that weekend?
Why doesn't his own mother "see him as her son" and drop everything to sort it for him?
Does the child also know how his own mother must feel about him if a half hour drive is just too much to ask?

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/08/2022 19:48

Mountain out of a molehill. Check with your mum. A 14 yo hardly needs any looking after. If your mum is ok then let him come.

Flutterbybudget · 10/08/2022 19:50

I’m glad that you’ve got it sorted out now
Just wanted to say that as the mother of a 14 yr old, I wouldn’t be happy with my ex’s MiL (for want of a better description) being responsible for my child, when they don’t have a close relationship. A 14 yr old IS still a child.
However, there are times as a parent, when our own plans have to come second to their needs. I get that sometimes that’s inconvenient, and hard to take, but it’s what you sign up for as a parent. I don’t know what your DHs relationship with his son is like, but I really hope that it’s strong enough for your DSS to deal with being made to feel as if he’s not your DHs priority. As the mother of kids, who’s dad wouldn’t dream of inconveniencing himself/ changing his plans to accommodate them, they CAN end up resenting that. My second son, has nothing to do with his dad at all, and hasn’t set eyes on him for 4 years, after seeing his younger siblings struggle with that feeling.

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 19:54

Yousee · 10/08/2022 19:45

Why is it up to OP and her mother to pander to the boy and "prioritise his best interests"?
Why in the name of fuck does that logic not apply to his own mother who is supposed to be in charge of him that weekend?
Why doesn't his own mother "see him as her son" and drop everything to sort it for him?
Does the child also know how his own mother must feel about him if a half hour drive is just too much to ask?

I feel sorry for him if his own mother won't look out for him

SudocremOnEverything · 10/08/2022 19:59

However, there are times as a parent, when our own plans have to come second to their needs. I get that sometimes that’s inconvenient, and hard to take, but it’s what you sign up for as a parent. I don’t know what your DHs relationship with his son is like, but I really hope that it’s strong enough for your DSS to deal with being made to feel as if he’s not your DHs priority.

This is absolute, unfair bullshit.

It is the OP’s birthday and they’d organised something for a weekend when the DSS would be with him mum and a babysitter for the toddler.

That is NOT having the wrong priorities.

The DS’s mother can drive him to his friend’s. Or organise to get him there. Or explain why he can’t go it (she might have perfectly good reasons). Or is she somehow except from making him feel like he’s her priority?

It is not good to teach any child that they must be the centre of the universe. People have plans. That means that sometimes he won’t get exactly what he wants. Which is simply how life works.