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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
Buffs · 08/08/2022 21:44

Let your step son stay. At 14 he’s probably very independent and might even help your mum out with the toddler.

rookiemere · 08/08/2022 21:50

@Buffs oh yeah sure, I know so many grounded responsible 14 year old DSs that are really helpful at looking after toddlers and behaving for elderly ladies they don't know that well.

Or perhaps we could assume that the OP who knows all the protagonists well has made a sensible judgment call.

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 21:54

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/08/2022 21:15

If it were the OP's son, then her DM might have babysat for him from birth. Even so, she might still baulk at being responsible for him being out on the town with his mates. What if ended up in a police cell?

Taking on responsibility for a teen you do not know at all out late, doing heaven knows what - are you trying to give this nice lady a heart attack?

But then, I'm sure your Mum would be happy to supervise this teen for the weekend - after all, she knows him just as well as OP's mum! What's stopping you asking her right now?

Show quote history

@SpaceshiptoMars don't worry,14 year olds aren't that likely to "end up in a police cell". Even 14 year olds that are feral step-children Wink

Most 14 year olds don't actually go out on the town with their mates as such either. I mean they go out, but they're not clubbing or in pubs.

clickychicky · 08/08/2022 21:58

Buffs · 08/08/2022 21:44

Let your step son stay. At 14 he’s probably very independent and might even help your mum out with the toddler.

Oh dear god no. Grandma just wants to look after her grandchild by herself not with some random teen who thinks they know better butting in.

OhJanet · 08/08/2022 21:59

Yeah sure, more like park benches with a bottle of vodka (or 2). That's what I was doing at 14 as were most kids I knew.

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 22:19

OhJanet · 08/08/2022 21:59

Yeah sure, more like park benches with a bottle of vodka (or 2). That's what I was doing at 14 as were most kids I knew.

Fortunately/unfortunately I believe that generally isn't done by 14 year olds as much these days...

clickychicky · 08/08/2022 22:20

OhJanet · 08/08/2022 21:59

Yeah sure, more like park benches with a bottle of vodka (or 2). That's what I was doing at 14 as were most kids I knew.

Nah they can't do that these days without getting stabbed.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/08/2022 22:22

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 21:54

@SpaceshiptoMars don't worry,14 year olds aren't that likely to "end up in a police cell". Even 14 year olds that are feral step-children Wink

Most 14 year olds don't actually go out on the town with their mates as such either. I mean they go out, but they're not clubbing or in pubs.

Show quote history

@DuchessDarty

You lead a sheltered life! One of my class mates was out with the biker gangs at 13. You would not want that to happen to your daughter...

Children in police cells overnight:
www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/hundreds-children-being-held-illegally-3021063

800 a week held overnight in 2013, and nothing much has changed since:

www.communitycare.co.uk/2021/08/13/arrested-children-london-will-continue-held-police-cells-despite-court-ruling/

Casual arson and graffiti are there for anyone to see.

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 22:44

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/08/2022 22:22

@DuchessDarty

You lead a sheltered life! One of my class mates was out with the biker gangs at 13. You would not want that to happen to your daughter...

Children in police cells overnight:
www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/hundreds-children-being-held-illegally-3021063

800 a week held overnight in 2013, and nothing much has changed since:

www.communitycare.co.uk/2021/08/13/arrested-children-london-will-continue-held-police-cells-despite-court-ruling/

Casual arson and graffiti are there for anyone to see.

Show quote history

Just because you know of one 13 year old 25 (30? 40?) or so years ago who rang off with a biker gang, doesn't mean it's a likely occurrence.

Obviously some 14 year olds run riot. But comparatively few get arrested.

The 800 a week figure you gave is for 2011, not 2013. And that is for children 17 and under, many of them will be 15-16. And a major reason for them being detained was child protection, not necessarily because of crime.

Yes things have changed since 2011.The second link you gave provides no figures of how many children were kept in police cells overnights, but does refer to how in law there are strict circumstances under which it should happen but lack of secure units for child protection means too many are held. Again, a big reason they are held is for their own safety, not necessarily crime.

Lilithslove · 08/08/2022 22:49

I feel like we're diverging off the original point of the thread somewhat.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2022 23:06

So you @Weekendawaynightmare live 35m away From mum

dss friend lives near you

does mum drive - why can’t she take /pick up or dss stay at friends

CherryBlossomAutumn · 08/08/2022 23:21

I think it would worry me if my DH thought that a 14 year needed ‘barely any parenting’. 14 is a prime age to start experimenting, taking risks. Parenting isn’t just obvious stuff like brushing their teeth. It’s the non-obvious and hard stuff like being able to know your teen, know when they are OK or not. That is way harder!

Laisydaisy · 09/08/2022 00:11

This is your birthday treat and is supposed to be a stress-free and enjoyable time away. You need to be confident that is well at home for your mother and your toddler so that you can happily relax. 14 year old boys, no matter how lovely, need monitoring and keeping an eye on. Quite a lot for your M to manage along with your toddler - and, particularly as she doesn’t know DSS well, quite a bit of extra responsibility. I can imagine that your concern for all of them could overshadow your trip while you are away. Which rather ruins the point of it all. It is not a good time for DSS to stay. Maybe you could explain that to him and let him know you know it’s a shame for him but it is just not realistic this weekend. I expect your DH worries about saying no to him - given his DS is struggling at the moment - but if it’s explained sympathetically to DSS hopefully all will be well. It would not be great to put your mother in this situation and expect her to be at ease looking after her grandchild at the same time.

ImustLearn2Cook · 09/08/2022 01:43

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2022 23:06

So you @Weekendawaynightmare live 35m away From mum

dss friend lives near you

does mum drive - why can’t she take /pick up or dss stay at friends

It is exactly this why I suspect that 14 year old dss has other reasons why he wants to stay at his dad’s and stepmom’s house on the weekend he is meant to be at mum’s, while dad and stepmom are away for the weekend.

I wonder, has he ever wanted to stay at dad’s and stepmom’s on his off weekend to visit this friend before when they are actually home?

SudocremOnEverything · 09/08/2022 08:09

If this had been a thread about a father who wanted the child’s mother to take the child on ‘his’ weekend, all the replies would have been a out the mother’s right to time off ans such like.

Seems the opposite doesn’t apply. It doesn’t really make any difference whether it’s the child or the parent whose plans it’s to facilitate really. In fact, I suspect the situation where the child wanted to be at mum’s instead would somehow be the SM’s fault for being ‘unwelcoming’.

Michellelovesizzy · 09/08/2022 08:58

Yes I am with you op…: it’s not the looking after of him obviously he is 14 but the responsibility of anther child 4 your mum.

Runnerduck34 · 09/08/2022 10:51

It's tricky because really DSS should see his dad's home as his own home too iyswim. So in effect he's asking to spend the weekend at his own house.
So I think it comes down to would your DH be happy to let him stay home alone for the weekend? If the answer is no he needs to ask your mum if she will keep an eye on him and if she says yes then he needs to set the ground rules with his son.
If DSS is responsible then really a teen shouldn't be need much looking after and I wouldn't expect you DM to " police" him. But it would be better if he could sleep at friends house or postpone to following weekend.
Enjoy your weekend away.

SudocremOnEverything · 09/08/2022 11:16

The implied single home, nuclear family comparison in these ideas is totally unhelpful.

Even if it is his ‘home’, the fact that it is not his only (or even main) home makes an enormous difference. As does the fact that which ‘home’ he is at is determined by a contact schedule so that he spends time with both his divorced/separated parents. It just isn’t the same situation in the least.

This is a non-contact weekend and his dad has other plans. They’ve made arrangements for their toddler (who only has one home and doesn’t have a contact schedule) to allow this. It’s not complicated to say, ‘sorry son. We are away for @Weekendawaynightmare’s birthday this weekend. Maybe your mum can take you to your friend’s house’.

Coffeepot72 · 09/08/2022 11:30

@SudocremOnEverything I totally agree. Blended families are NOT the same as together families, even if people insist they should be. They're just not.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/08/2022 12:28

The 'your Dad's home is your home' only works if Dad is single and Dad owns or rents the house by himself. If Dad has a room in a shared house, this doesn't give the child dibs over anyone else's room in that house. It doesn't give the child the right to control what is watched on the communal TV. It doesn't give the child the right to hog the bathroom for hours. And it doesn't give the child the right to eat everyone else's food in the communal fridge either!

So if Dad is living in his partner's house - doesn't this apply pretty much too?Grin

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 12:31

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/08/2022 12:28

The 'your Dad's home is your home' only works if Dad is single and Dad owns or rents the house by himself. If Dad has a room in a shared house, this doesn't give the child dibs over anyone else's room in that house. It doesn't give the child the right to control what is watched on the communal TV. It doesn't give the child the right to hog the bathroom for hours. And it doesn't give the child the right to eat everyone else's food in the communal fridge either!

So if Dad is living in his partner's house - doesn't this apply pretty much too?Grin

Yes. Every bit of it.

Lilithslove · 09/08/2022 12:40

It's tricky because really DSS should see his dad's home as his own home too iyswim. So in effect he's asking to spend the weekend at his own house.

@Runnerduck34 I think this is a red herring. The fact that the dad's home is the DSS's home doesn't have anything to do with whether or not the OP's mother should be put in a position where she might feel obliged to look after me.

At 14 my parents home was my home. That didn't mean that if my parents went away I would be allowed stay there overnight under the care of an unrelated adult.

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 09/08/2022 12:46

Runnerduck34 · 09/08/2022 10:51

It's tricky because really DSS should see his dad's home as his own home too iyswim. So in effect he's asking to spend the weekend at his own house.
So I think it comes down to would your DH be happy to let him stay home alone for the weekend? If the answer is no he needs to ask your mum if she will keep an eye on him and if she says yes then he needs to set the ground rules with his son.
If DSS is responsible then really a teen shouldn't be need much looking after and I wouldn't expect you DM to " police" him. But it would be better if he could sleep at friends house or postpone to following weekend.
Enjoy your weekend away.

I get it's his home but surely that doesn't mean he can just come whether we are there or not. Not until he's at an age where he doesn't need anyone staying with him.

His mum's home is his home but he can't just decide to go there if she's in work for example.

The fact my mother is staying is neither her nor there in that respect. Yes it's his home but he's still a child who needs someone at said home who's willing and able to look after him.

Anyway, it's not happening I've told DH I'm not asking my mum and that's final and thankfully he's shut up about it now. I think this weekend is some sort of bike think that they want to go to in our local town (they do like mountain biking stuff DSS and his friend).

OP posts:
ThisWasMeTooo · 09/08/2022 13:00

Good for you for putting your foot down. There are far too many people on here who seem to think that when they settle a child care arrangement with their ex it automatically includes any future partner he may have. 🙄 These are the same people who trot out the "you shouldn't have got together with him then" lines. Too many women who like to use their children to get at the ex and any partners. My own experience saw a mother fuck off for weekends and two weeks abroad just leaving her 14 year old child and animals at the house then letting Dad know once she was gone. Yes I did end up looking after that 14 year old and driving her here and there, feeding her and washing her clothes when her own Dad was working abroad.Poor girl.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/08/2022 13:04

There's a massive difference between 'it's his home' and 'he's the home owner and everyone else who lives there are slaves he owns'.

Whenever I see the 'it's his home' game on this board, it seem to be being played in the 'he's the home owner and everyone else who lives there are slaves he happens to own' fashion....