AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

[Weekendawaynightmare]

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

Having been a teen of definitely non angelic behaviour, this was my first though tbh.

I think there's more to this than you're letting on, and I feel like you don't actually like DSS coming round.

No, DH is being a CFer

Are you playing step mum bingo?

This is a ridiculous leap. I like my dscs very much but I don't understand why that fact should mean that I should ask my mum to provide childcare. Can you explain why that would be the case?

Personally I think that the you must hate your DSC crowd should get a different record.

Contact wasn't due that weekend, DSC doesn't actually want to spend time with op or their dad, just use the place as a base because they are going away for op birthday and DSC wants to see their pal.

Christ logic goes out the window on this board sometimes.

I’m 100% with you, and I really don’t like the trope ‘barely looking after’.

There is a lot more to parenting than changing nappies! What if he doesn’t come back, and your mum gets worried, what if he gets sick… all sorts of stuff.

Really not OK for your DH to make this call.

Surely your mum could be asked? She's an adult & should be able to say whether she's able to manage or not

BTW as a previous SM I would ignore any of the old ‘but you must hate DSS’ or ‘it’s his home!’

I really saw just how so many step kids get minimally parented with this nonsense, and slip through the cracks. Parenting isn’t a house. It’s an actual person. As soon as my step children became teenagers I suddenly had a lot of them around the house, any time they liked, (or in reality because their mum lived near and would kick them out to go to our house). It’s awful parenting and honestly your DH should be called out on it. No one is a proxy ‘parent’ no matter how old the kids are.

No. DH just needs to say you are away. Your mum is doing a massive favour and doesn’t need the hassle. He’s 14 and needs parenting. Your poor mum shouldn’t be worrying if he’s not home or reminding him to tidy up etc.

Not a chance!! It really isn’t fair to your mum, very different caring for a toddler and teenager

@Strangeways19 Maybe the OP doesn’t want to ask, doesn’t want to put her mum in the position of having to say No. That’s totally fine. Her DH needs to respect that his MIL is not the parent and not be so slack as a parent.

But at 14 he's pretty independent no?

I would fine furious if dh had even asked me. His son will need at least three meals a day plus snacks that won’t be anything like toddler food, checking times and where he is, the responsibility of ensuring he is safe. I am assuming the normal things will apply like extra food shopping, laundry, housework, more tidying up. I would be so annoyed if I was doing a favour and this was asked of me as well, it puts your mum in a terrible position to agree as to not be seen rejecting him.
absolutely no way - dh can arrange it for a weekend when he is around.
I wouldn’t trust a 14 ur old not to sneak out

I have teens one being 14 and they are very very far from independent and effortless!!!

A definite no from me. 14 year olds are pretty independent but also can be reckless. What if he goes out and needs a lift home , what if he doesn't come home on time? Too much hassle for your mum who doesn't even have a relationship with him.

This. It’s very controlling not to even ask her.

People can be guilted into things, or feel bad for refusing even when they have.
It's no little thing to ask.

It would be a NO from me . You are quite right OP. DSS needs to arrange with his mother not your mother .

@Blossomtoes some people get guilted into saying yes when they would rather say no (but feel like they can't) and then avoid a situation where they might be asked again.

I think op will be best placed to know which camp her mum sits in.

Weird flex calling it controlling, I would be utterly grateful if someone considered my inability to say no like this tbh.

No, this would not be fair on your mum.

One weekend without that particular friend isn't that big of a problem. DSS might be slightly disappointed, but that's life. He can meet the friend next weekend, instead.

It's not appropriate to ask her in my opinion.

It's not controlling to not ask her ffs. It's unfair TO ask!

Your husband should have said no right away.

The mother of the teen can deal with it.