AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

[Weekendawaynightmare]

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

I can see why you are hesitant, does you mum have a relationship with DSS? If so, maybe it would be worth having the conversation with her? No pressure on her but no harm in asking. Though it’s to see his friend, it’s nice that he feels comfortable enough to ask.

And ?

No, no teens of my own. I thought it would be more fun to assist in raising my husband's two teens that I didn't give birth to

I'm completely with you. Nope.

No no no!!! If your mum is like mine she would
feel she needed to say yes even if deep down it was a huge no! DSS mum should sort it with the friend he wants to see and sort him staying with them instead. You are 100% right and need to stick to your guns on this one. Have a fab time away child free to x

NO! Not this weekend
Plenty of other weekends
DSS....bugger off

Agree with you OP

I bet DSS mum has no clue and wouldn't be happy with that either

Not fair of your DH to put this on your mum

Typical of certain men to see women as default carers whether they want to or not

i’d be bloody cross with DH for even suggesting it

tge scope for trouble at 14 is huge, hardest age imo for boys

Tell DH your mum says no! I think it’s really cheeky! Of course she’d be responsible for him.

If it's only an extra 35 mins travel, can you offer to pay for taxis for the weekend? Not ideal, but an attempt to help DSS make his arrangements work.

This comment really fucks me off.

Teens are in many ways harder to parent than tots, yes they don't need you in a physical way, they can make their food and wipe their ass, but they are also pushing boundaries, looking for freedoms, negotiating hormone driven complex feelings, they can have little self control and no idea of cause and effect and they are wired to be monumentally selfish.

There is a massive difference between a gran looking after a 14 year old in the home and a gran looking after a 14 year old that is going out with his mates. If my 14 year old is out I am here to parent, if I am away the 14 year old goes to his GP and stays with his GP. And these GP have known my son his whole life.

Family life is give and take, it is not unreasonable for the OP to have a birthday without having to worry about any of the children. DSS should be with mum and her child with gran and then OP should be able to have a break with her husband.

I wonder if everyone would be so keen if it was a 14 yo girl and a step FIL. I doubt it.

Jesus wept 🙄

@Blossomtoes controlling 😂

Absolutely Not! No fucking way would I allow this. 14 year olds start experimenting/ drinking partying. They need a firm supportive hand guiding them / or being there to pick up the pieces if the wheels fall off.
This is NOT your mums responsibility. It’s your husband’s. He needs to parent his son! Not hand him over to the care of your mum! He’s completely missing the the point. 14 year olds need a shit ton of responsibility. Why do you think he wants to hang out at your house while your away.? You’ll spend the whole time worrying. Forget it. Just say sorry no, it too much responsibility for your mum.

It's a huge NO from me for the following reason.
@BishFish remarked that when he's older he'll have a key. I should cocoa 😂
A fairly recent post on here had almost the same scenario. Older son arriving at that OP's home when the grandma was there. Roaming the house and scoffing whatever out of the fridge and cupboards as well as playing on the OP's child's computer and no doubt checking out other rooms. He was, I think, 22.
The DG felt she couldn't enforce the rules her DD had left about him only having toast or cereal and not going upstairs or in the child's room.
Giving a key is open to certain kind of abuse.
It doesn't and didn't happen in our house when our children left home. They rang and made arrangements for when we'd be home. No drop ins.

They’re only going for a weekend not asking OP’s mum to adopt him! 😂

. What's amusing about asking someone to take that on for a weekend?

OPs DM may be looking forward to a weekend with her toddler DGC.
But sure a woman's place - particularly an elderly one - is to accommodate the wishes of others.

If it were your son of course it would be fine! I think you are being unreasonable and can see why your husband thinks so. At least ask your mum, I know mine would be fine as would I (assuming no backstory of teen being a drug dealer/master criminal etc.)

If it were the OP's son, then her DM might have babysat for him from birth. Even so, she might still baulk at being responsible for him being out on the town with his mates. What if ended up in a police cell?

Taking on responsibility for a teen you do not know at all out late, doing heaven knows what - are you trying to give this nice lady a heart attack?

But then, I'm sure your Mum would be happy to supervise this teen for the weekend - after all, she knows him just as well as OP's mum! What's stopping you asking her right now?

How exactly have you ascertained that your Mum would be fine with this?

Why can’t his mum take and collect @Weekendawaynightmare

its her weekend

For me it wouldn't.

I don't expect my mother to parent my children. If my children are going out with their friends I'm there. If I'm going away my 14 year old goes and stays at their grans, they don't go roaming

Problem solved op.

@Yourcatisnotsorry is going to ask her mum to watch your dss! After all, she'd definitely be fine with it.