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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

294 replies

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 12:55

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:16

DSC is the only reason he cares. I don't believe it's anything to do with not discussing it first. It's because its something fun that doesn't revolve around DSC which everything must.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/07/2022 17:17

I do not think you have done anything wrong at all. You are going with a friend wth a child of similar age. Your step child has been before with his mum. Why is he guilt tripping you. Just tell him you wanted it to be just you and your pal and the children of similar ages and sc has been before. What a load of drama. Can this woman not enjoy some time with her friend.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/07/2022 17:19

He can do something nice with sc himself for the few days you are away if he is so concerned and stop guilt tripping you. Blended families sound such hard work trying to please everyone all the time. For once you are doing something for you and your child and it is only 2 days and sc has been before with him mum. Tell your husband to just stop going on about it now.

WhippedSoap · 31/07/2022 17:19

But you could have discussed it.

He might have said:

  • I'd really like to come on our DC's first DLP trip too.

Or

  • I'm not fussed, you go with your friend and we can take all the kids another time.

But nobody wants to be an after thought.

Branleuse · 31/07/2022 17:19

I think its fine to book things without discussing with your husband.
Tell him if he wants to book for you all to go, then go for it.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 31/07/2022 17:21

Is there a bigger issue with how he treats the SC relative to his younger child?

There must be some relevant background here. Otherwise, why wouldn’t you discuss it with him before booking?

My (STBX)H has treated the SC as more important than our toddler all the toddler’s life. It’s a huge problem. But I’d lead with the context in outlining why I (before I just left him) decided to just do what I wanted with my child and not give a shit that he felt life wasn’t sufficiently centred around his other children. Because it’s hugely relevant.

Unless there is a context of some kind, it seems strange to see yourself as almost a single parent to your dc.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 31/07/2022 17:22

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:16

DSC is the only reason he cares. I don't believe it's anything to do with not discussing it first. It's because its something fun that doesn't revolve around DSC which everything must.

Ah. So there is a context.

It’s exhausting feeling like your child’s father treats them as a second class citizen relative to the SC.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 17:23

WhippedSoap · 31/07/2022 17:19

But you could have discussed it.

He might have said:

  • I'd really like to come on our DC's first DLP trip too.

Or

  • I'm not fussed, you go with your friend and we can take all the kids another time.

But nobody wants to be an after thought.

You're not actually hearing what OP is saying. He doesn't want to go on the holiday, he doesn't care that she's going with their joint child he's just sulking because his other children aren't going to a place they've been before with their mum and that he's never wanted to go to.

Is it fair OP's child, if dad has his way, doesn't get to do anything without his siblings? Yet they're able to do anything their mother chooses with them.

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 17:24

YANBU. As pp have said, the little ones won't be that bothered about Disneyland though hopefully they'll get something out of it so you could argue it's just a nice (and relatively affordable since not school holidays) trip for you with a friend. And of course if you're the main carer for the toddler, it's hard to leave them behind.

I think it's fine to suggest that he takes DSC another time, when it can be all about them rather than the trip being centred around toddler activities. They'll probably have a much better time that way.

Original poster
SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:24

Yes I do think he's only ever really concerned about being unfair to DSC and not our DC. I think he has a lot of guilt surrounding them and that makes it difficult sometimes for him to see things objectively and separate they guilt from actual unfairness.

OP posts:
namechange7654 · 31/07/2022 17:26

How would you have felt if he told you he'd booked a weekend to Disneyland with just his older children? Wouldn't you have been a bit upset that he didn't want to take his younger child as well?

Original poster
SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:26

namechange7654 · 31/07/2022 17:26

How would you have felt if he told you he'd booked a weekend to Disneyland with just his older children? Wouldn't you have been a bit upset that he didn't want to take his younger child as well?

Please explain to me how that's in any way the same thing? He'd be leaving out of of HIS kids. I am not doing that.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 31/07/2022 17:29

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:26

Please explain to me how that's in any way the same thing? He'd be leaving out of of HIS kids. I am not doing that.

Show quote history

But he’d be giving the only kid who missed out the opportunity the others had.

Original poster
SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:31

Pumperthepumper · 31/07/2022 17:29

But he’d be giving the only kid who missed out the opportunity the others had.

Show quote history

Well no, as I've said DSC have been with their mum and they also go on holiday with her to other places too. They get things from their mum my child doesn't, my child gets things with their mum that they don't. Dad is the only one who needs to do the same with all 3 surely?

Also whenever we talk on here about DSC missing out because they've been on holiday with their mum we're reminder that it's not the amount of holidays that matter but the fact they get to experience it with their dad. So if he's taking away DSC he should take away ours too. Not necessarily at the same time but he should be open to doing both if he's going to do one.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 17:32

Yes it’s not comparable. The comparator here would be the DH booking a trip with a friend to take his and the OP’s toddler away to Disneyland Paris without the OP and without discussing it with her first.

WhippedSoap · 31/07/2022 17:32

You're not actually hearing what OP is saying.

I am, I'm just trying to get my head around the dynamic. I honestly can't imagine booking a holiday for me and the kids without mentioning it to DH & then being surprised he was pissed off about it.

I don't think the OP is leaving her DSC out, but it's the relationship with her DH that seems unusual.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 17:36

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 17:32

Yes it’s not comparable. The comparator here would be the DH booking a trip with a friend to take his and the OP’s toddler away to Disneyland Paris without the OP and without discussing it with her first.

Yup.

But he wouldn't do that cos he's not bothered about Disney and has previously said he wouldn't want to go. If he genuinely cared he'd be looking to book for the whole family, but I'd bet my last slice do cheesecake he hasn't even attempted to look.

His guilt means he can't bare the thought of his older children not having everything the little one does, regardless if they'd want it or the fact they get experiences with their own mum.

OP, does he ever take your little one anywhere? Or go place with you and your child?

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2022 17:37

Whilst I would have automatically discussed something like this with my partner, it's understandable that you didn't given the context of his prior lack of interest, and it's also clear that that isn't the reason he objects to it happening (and that would be the only real valid reason).

It's obvious that what he has an issue with is you going without DSS, which is not reasonable at all. He needs to accept you and DS have a life and friendships outside of them, just as much as you need to accept that he has them. This is so often forgotten and overlooked.

Original poster
SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:45

understandable that you didn't given the context of his prior lack of interest

I'd have thought a bit more about it if in the past he hadn't seemed so against the idea of going. In my mind I'm going somewhere DH has made very clear in the past he's got no interest in going to. I wouldn't, for example, book to go to the world cup final without him 🤣 but Disney? He's literally had no interest in it before and has always looked aghast at the idea of going.

OP posts:
AStar98 · 31/07/2022 17:46

If they're kids then it is a bit mean spirited OP... speaking from experience, I was excluded from trips in my childhood and it didn't feel nice at all.

My exDP had children and we made holiday plans together around his children. We had trips together as well but nothing that the kids would have been interested or bothered about.

Original poster
SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:47

nothing that the kids would have been interested or bothered about.

So I can't do anything with my child that my DSC would be interested in? I've no intention of living like that with my DC tbh.

OP posts:
RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 17:50

AStar98 · 31/07/2022 17:46

If they're kids then it is a bit mean spirited OP... speaking from experience, I was excluded from trips in my childhood and it didn't feel nice at all.

My exDP had children and we made holiday plans together around his children. We had trips together as well but nothing that the kids would have been interested or bothered about.

So does OP have to consider if her SC would like to do it before she does anything with her son? Does the same apply to the SC's mum or is it just OP's little one who has to miss out on nice experiences with his mum?

What about if OP decides to take him for ice cream or to the local splash park while the SC are out for the day with their mum, is that acceptable or does she have to wait until the SC are available?

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 17:50

I get that OP but do you not see that as a courtesy it’s good to discuss before booking when you and DH’s child will be away? Wouldn’t you want him to do the same with you? I see it as a courtesy about dates and to check whether there’s some reasonable objection he has that you hadn’t considered.

If you’d done this and he’s said he didn’t want you to go because of your DSC, in your shoes I’d have told him he’s welcome to book a trip for all of you to go but it’s unreasonable to expect you to take the DSC without him and that you’re going, end of.

Midlifemusings · 31/07/2022 17:53

Your DC lives with him full time so it already isn't fair. So he wouldn't necessarily need to also do something with your joint DC because he already gets more of him than the other kids do and he gets to live with both parents.

And while they aren't your biological children, they are children in your family and in your home. These aren't neighbour kids.

ilovemyboys3 · 31/07/2022 17:54

I personally would have mentioned I was thinking about going but certainly wouldn't ask his permission and wouldn't be inviting DSC on a holiday with two toddlers and my friend. They've been with their mum, these things happen. Go, enjoy yourself and don't feel guilty