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Original poster

Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

294 replies

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 12:55

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

OP posts:
SuziSecondLaw · 31/07/2022 17:58

It's potentially something I might do spur of the moment with a friend (if I was lucky enough to have that kind of money) without really thinking, and then feel bad after..

If my dp did this with a mate without talking to me first I'd be upset..

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 18:01

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 17:50

I get that OP but do you not see that as a courtesy it’s good to discuss before booking when you and DH’s child will be away? Wouldn’t you want him to do the same with you? I see it as a courtesy about dates and to check whether there’s some reasonable objection he has that you hadn’t considered.

If you’d done this and he’s said he didn’t want you to go because of your DSC, in your shoes I’d have told him he’s welcome to book a trip for all of you to go but it’s unreasonable to expect you to take the DSC without him and that you’re going, end of.

I get what you're saying but OP has stated many times her husband's issue lies with the fact the SC aren't going not that she booked it without discussion and had it been a week in Wales he wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 18:07

Midlifemusings · 31/07/2022 17:53

Your DC lives with him full time so it already isn't fair. So he wouldn't necessarily need to also do something with your joint DC because he already gets more of him than the other kids do and he gets to live with both parents.

And while they aren't your biological children, they are children in your family and in your home. These aren't neighbour kids.

Yet it sounds like the OP's little one doesn't get any quality time with his dad. If dad works full-time and is dedicating EOW and possibly more (for all we know it's 50:50) to his older children but not wanting to do anything fun with the little one when they're not there, how much benefit is that time to the toddler?

The SC have treats, holidays and days out with their mum, why should OP's child never have the same?

Only one person is required to treat these 3 children equally and it sounds like he's failing miserably.

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 18:09

Yes I understand that @RocketsMagnificent7 but still think discussing it first was the right thing to do as a matter of principle. That way the OP would be giving him a chance to air his views or say whether those dates are problematic. It would be the OP ensuring she’d acted reasonably and not giving him any potential extra reason to complain about.

excelledyourself · 31/07/2022 18:13

Midlifemusings · 31/07/2022 17:53

Your DC lives with him full time so it already isn't fair. So he wouldn't necessarily need to also do something with your joint DC because he already gets more of him than the other kids do and he gets to live with both parents.

And while they aren't your biological children, they are children in your family and in your home. These aren't neighbour kids.

So quality of time spent with his NRP should be more than that spent with the joint DC, to make up for the fact that the joint DC get more physical time under the same roof?

Is that your logic?

SunshineAndFizz · 31/07/2022 18:15

Sorry but another one who thinks your DH has every right to be annoyed you didn't even mention your plans beforehand.

Pumperthepumper · 31/07/2022 18:15

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:31

Well no, as I've said DSC have been with their mum and they also go on holiday with her to other places too. They get things from their mum my child doesn't, my child gets things with their mum that they don't. Dad is the only one who needs to do the same with all 3 surely?

Also whenever we talk on here about DSC missing out because they've been on holiday with their mum we're reminder that it's not the amount of holidays that matter but the fact they get to experience it with their dad. So if he's taking away DSC he should take away ours too. Not necessarily at the same time but he should be open to doing both if he's going to do one.

Show quote history

It says in your OP that they hadn’t been before?

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 18:19

SunshineAndFizz · 31/07/2022 18:15

Sorry but another one who thinks your DH has every right to be annoyed you didn't even mention your plans beforehand.

Yet another one who hasn't read the OP's posts.

He's not annoyed about the lack of discussion.

WhippedSoap · 31/07/2022 18:26

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 18:19

Yet another one who hasn't read the OP's posts.

He's not annoyed about the lack of discussion.

Show quote history

unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

Yes he is.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 31/07/2022 18:28

Yes he is.

Read all of OP's posts.

Starseeking · 31/07/2022 18:57

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 17:50

I get that OP but do you not see that as a courtesy it’s good to discuss before booking when you and DH’s child will be away? Wouldn’t you want him to do the same with you? I see it as a courtesy about dates and to check whether there’s some reasonable objection he has that you hadn’t considered.

If you’d done this and he’s said he didn’t want you to go because of your DSC, in your shoes I’d have told him he’s welcome to book a trip for all of you to go but it’s unreasonable to expect you to take the DSC without him and that you’re going, end of.

I agree with you regarding mentioning it to the DH beforehand as a courtesy in any relationship, and raised this point many posts ago, but OP doesn't see it that way. She's too caught up in feeling aggrieved that she can't do anything nice for her DC, without having to think about/include DSC. (And yes, I have been there.)

Personally, talking to the DH beforehand would likely have diffused whatever annoyance the DH felt at his DC not going, because he'd already been told.

The fact it's been presented as a fait accompli because he'd previously showed no interest in going to Disney is neither here nor there. In a good relationship, I would have though the partners would still talk about things that affect the whole household i.e. two members going on holiday for a few days. Otherwise you're just people who happen to live in the same house.

The DH is right to be annoyed at not being made aware beforehand, but not about his DSC not going. That's on him and DSC's mum.

Ontomatopea · 31/07/2022 19:29

Oh god your DH is a dick. He's welcome to take DSC away but he won't will he. He wants to tag along to something you've organised.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 31/07/2022 19:47

I would have spoken to DH about it but I suspect you didn't because the focus has been around DSC and also because he has showed zero interest in going before and actively made it sound like he didn't want to go. That's not a massive transgression in my book.

I probably even if I had a nuclear family wouldn't take smallies and older kids in one giant herd because it would be a series of compromises on both sides and no one would be happy.

You paid for it yourself, your going with a pal with a child similar age. I think your all good.

You weren't doing it at DSC. Even my dsd wouldn't want to go to Disney with smallies because as she puts it (but then I don't get to go on the bigger rides) which she has a point and via versa

Go have fun. These Disney threads go a bit mad. I'm not sure why tbh it's just Disney (but Disney has never been a massive thing for me personally)

AnneElliott · 31/07/2022 20:19

I don't think YABU. You're going with a friend and not impacting your DH. He's being a pain.

My H sometimes does this - he feels free to take DS somewhere (when younger) but if I decided to take him somewhere that H wanted to go (even if he'd never mentioned it) I'd get grief- as would DS.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 20:31

This is why I would warn any woman to never get involved with a man who already has children. The woman is expected to treat and feel for her stepchildren exactly the same way they would treat and feel for their own children. This is never expected of a man.

If this situation were about a stepdad, he would never be expected to take his stepchildren on a holiday without his partner, and he would never be expected to pay for the "privilege" of doing so.

LilyMarshall · 31/07/2022 20:43

AStar98 · 31/07/2022 17:46

If they're kids then it is a bit mean spirited OP... speaking from experience, I was excluded from trips in my childhood and it didn't feel nice at all.

My exDP had children and we made holiday plans together around his children. We had trips together as well but nothing that the kids would have been interested or bothered about.

But that is not the same. It isnt a family holiday. Op’s dh isnt going.

funinthesun19 · 31/07/2022 20:53

Even if op had discussed it with him, the conversation would only have morphed in to how unhappy he is about her planning to go without his kids, which I’m sure would have been extremely irritating.

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 21:25

funinthesun19 · 31/07/2022 20:53

Even if op had discussed it with him, the conversation would only have morphed in to how unhappy he is about her planning to go without his kids, which I’m sure would have been extremely irritating.

Probably, but not necessarily.

The issue with thinking like that and not pre-informing him is that it could come off as somewhat antagonistic. He could then respond in kind and both OP and DH could become bitter and entrenched.

Maybe couples therapy would be a good idea OP to work through his approach, and your perspective on his approach, to parenting DSC versus/and DC.

namechange7654 · 31/07/2022 21:50

SomeSortOfName · 31/07/2022 17:26

Please explain to me how that's in any way the same thing? He'd be leaving out of of HIS kids. I am not doing that.

Show quote history

So is he not coming with you? I didn't realise that. I was thinking that from the older kids' point of view, they don't really care who booked the trip, but they'll be disappointed that their dad went with their younger sibling and didn't take them.

But if it's literally just you and the toddler, then I don't any problem.

Starseeking · 31/07/2022 22:13

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 20:31

This is why I would warn any woman to never get involved with a man who already has children. The woman is expected to treat and feel for her stepchildren exactly the same way they would treat and feel for their own children. This is never expected of a man.

If this situation were about a stepdad, he would never be expected to take his stepchildren on a holiday without his partner, and he would never be expected to pay for the "privilege" of doing so.

I really wish I'd seen this section of MN before I got involved with EXDP. I came to MN when pregnant with my first DC, and stumbled across Step-parenting. I was gobsmacked to see so many women having all these same issues as a DSM, as I genuinely thought previously that was me, and there must be something wrong with me to feel the way I did, particularly with EXDP as a Disney Dad.

harryclr · 31/07/2022 22:44

Im always getting told off or made to feel guilty about not including SD in anything...even bloody swimming!!

I'd love to go away on a trip like DLP with my little ones in term time (so many benefits of going away when everyone else is at school and we only get that luxury for 4yrs) but DP would never except it...

Frustrates me daily

Her Mum is taking her to London for her bday, i lived in London for 15yrs and my Dad lives there and I cant even take my 2 to see him without it being a 'oh poor SD' bullshit

These men dont seem to get that eventually it will grind us down...

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 22:49

Her Mum is taking her to London for her bday, i lived in London for 15yrs and my Dad lives there and I cant even take my 2 to see him without it being a 'oh poor SD' bullshit

Of course you can go to London with just your children. Tell your husband that's what you're doing and do it. He doesn't own you and you do not have to include his child in every aspect of your life.

Holidaydreamingagain · 31/07/2022 22:56

This exact post has been posted in the past.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 31/07/2022 23:10

@Holidaydreamingagain it's a really common thing in sp land this situation.

I really wish I had seen this section before becoming a sm, not because I would change a thing but because it probably would of help me prepare better.

MzHz · 31/07/2022 23:29

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2022 22:49

Her Mum is taking her to London for her bday, i lived in London for 15yrs and my Dad lives there and I cant even take my 2 to see him without it being a 'oh poor SD' bullshit

Of course you can go to London with just your children. Tell your husband that's what you're doing and do it. He doesn't own you and you do not have to include his child in every aspect of your life.

Exactly! JFDI! Look at what is John said on this thread and make it your goal NOT to be in this same situation

“I’m taking our dc swimming…”
”oh but what about SD….”
”well she can come another time, or go with you, or her mum, she’s not missing out anything, and neither will our dc. When we can include her, we will, but it’s that way round not ‘we’ll do nothing unless Your dd is here, that’s not fair on anyone”