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Original poster

I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

413 replies

Hmmmmmm1 · 27/07/2022 19:38

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

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Original poster
Hmmmmmm1 · 30/07/2022 10:26

And I think it tends to need to be that way because parents find it very difficult to be objective about their children. I'd be hurt too if someone said they weren't really interested in my DC. But when I take the emotion out of it, really, why should they be?

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 30/07/2022 10:28

@Hmmmmmm1 well you don't know what he knows or what the kids pick up on
How many parents think they have hid a lot from their kids but kids have picked it up and maybe not said until their an adult
I think not loving them like your own is fine , some will , some won't and i think many factors play a part their
But resenting them would be a dealbreaker for me if I had a dp , yes sometimes being annoyed by the schedule, having an ex still about etc

Original poster
Hmmmmmm1 · 30/07/2022 10:29

worriedatthistime · 30/07/2022 10:25

@Hmmmmmm1 no I can't see how it matters about the child , when its a child like a young child , they can't help how they are and are a product of how they have been brought up , which like it or not your partner is part of that
I can understand maybe not liking them at times but still caring about their wellbeing as they are a child
Harder when it becomes a teenager as they are difficult full stop, but if they were behaving really badly I would expect my dh/ dp to be stepping in and making it clear what we find acceptable etc
Its parenting that would be down to him as well , can't just blame the ex

You can't force yourself to like someone just because they are a child though.

You can outwardly make sure you are understanding and show concern and want the best for them (and I do want the best for DSC in their lives in the same way I want that for any child I know), but if the child isn't likeable or they make life difficult due to their other parent or whatever else, it's a bit much imo to expect a step parent never to feel anything negative about that. We aren't robots. Not every feeling can be dulled by saying 'but they are a child, it's not their fault'. No it's not their fault which is why I would think it wrong for anyone to take out any negative feeling on a child. But yeah, im still human, if a situation or person isn't likeable, I'm probably not going to like them. That's normal.

OP posts:
Blueswedeshoes · 30/07/2022 10:29

aSofaNearYou · 30/07/2022 10:16

@Blueswedeshoes I'm not deliberately trying to twist your words, I think that whole pararagraph about how maniacal my intentions are is a tad dramatic. Your post started with "nobody actually expects you to love your SC" and ended with "but you were unfair to get into this marriage." It seems perhaps what you mean is that it's unfair to get into the marriage without having an active interest in the children?

Regarding your point about not getting in the marriage if you wouldn't be happy if their mum died and they came to live with you full time, this comes up a lot on here - but not everyone plans for the very unlikely. There are lots of equally likely things that could happen that would have a similarly if not greater negative impact on the marriage - cheating, spousal death etc - but that doesn't stop you getting married.

Yes that’s what I did mean, why marry when you have no interest in the children?

By interest I mean, enjoying your partner’s dc’s company and taking an actual interest in their lives in general, and not being so indifferent to their existence that you wouldn’t care less if you never saw them again.
Being indifferent may be ok if someone’s in a casual relationship, but I don’t think it’s a good basis when you’re deciding to actually marry someone with kids.

Original poster
Hmmmmmm1 · 30/07/2022 10:29

But resenting them would be a dealbreaker for me if I had a dp , yes sometimes being annoyed by the schedule, having an ex still about etc

Well you're the one who said resent, I've never said that.

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 30/07/2022 10:30

@Hmmmmmm1 its why we don't always say what we think as sometimes its best not too
You seem to look after the kids are kind to them etc so i think that is what matters most
Who knows your relationships may grow over the years ( maybe after teenage ) do your dsc and your kids have a hood relationshio

worriedatthistime · 30/07/2022 10:31

@Hmmmmmm1 the resenting them wasn't at you it wad a generalised where i think the line would be drawn

Original poster
Hmmmmmm1 · 30/07/2022 10:34

worriedatthistime · 30/07/2022 10:31

@Hmmmmmm1 the resenting them wasn't at you it wad a generalised where i think the line would be drawn

Okay but I don't think anyone here has suggested they resent their DSC. And I don't think a lot of the posts here where people get accused of doing so actually do either. People seem to jump very quickly from not loving to resent on this subject. Apologies if that's not what you meant.

OP posts:
CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 30/07/2022 10:34

worriedatthistime · 30/07/2022 10:15

@OnaBegonia but on mumsnet if a mum posted that her new male partner was not interested in her kids everyone would say red flag and run a mile , put your kids first

The expectations of interest for men are far lower than for women. Let’s be honest about that.

aSofaNearYou · 30/07/2022 10:44

*Yes that’s what I did mean, why marry when you have no interest in the children?

By interest I mean, enjoying your partner’s dc’s company and taking an actual interest in their lives in general, and not being so indifferent to their existence that you wouldn’t care less if you never saw them again.
Being indifferent may be ok if someone’s in a casual relationship, but I don’t think it’s a good basis when you’re deciding to actually marry someone with kids.*

Well I don't have an active interest in his job or his parents either. I have an active interest in him.

That said I can sort of see what you mean, the feeling of not enjoying his DCs company is something I would have been more likely to avoid if he had him full time or 50:50. But EOW? It just doesn't have so much of an impact that you couldn't just put up with it.

I would definitely avoid it in future if I was single but I wouldn't leave an already established relationship.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 30/07/2022 10:54

Hello all. This is a reminder that, while we welcome a range of views on Mumsnet, the Stepparents board is intended as a supportive space for MNers who may be finding things tough or need advice in navigating delicate situations, and who, frankly, may just need to let off steam.

Posts suggesting that the OP should not have got together with someone with children are pretty unhelpful in these scenarios and we ask that posters keep that in mind when posting on this board. Others are welcome to post, but this is primarily a board for stepparents. Thanks.

secondcoatneeded · 30/07/2022 11:47

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 29/07/2022 19:03

@DuchessDarty I don't want to make to finer point of it as it's rather a grim/dark topic but i have wondered in the past of having DSC full time or mum not being in the picture makes it's easier for step children to accept a sm therefore elevating the pressure of who's allowed to feel what for both DSC and sms alike.

By logic and practically it must be slightly easier in some respects although I can only imagine the damage it's done to your DSC and I'm not minimising that in any way.

But it seems so many posts link back to sm not having a role or different roles depending on personal opinion . Which historically sm would have filled only when mum died. A role which is pretty close to a nuclear family set up which doesn't have half the complications a blended one does IMO.

I am a full time parent to three step-children. Their mum does a number of years before I met them. If I wanted a relationship with my DP then I had to accept them unconditionally. Things were not easy for any of us as we negotiated the new way of life for all us.
I was very much of the opinion that if the children didn't accept me then the relationship wouldn't work and I would have walked away.
My DP was of the opinion that it would work no matter what.
It was much easier that I don't have children myself and also that I was bringing the coolest dog in the world with me which made them excited for me to move in.
I can honestly say that I love them. I don't know if I love them as I would my own as I don't have anything to compare that with.
My DP has always had my back in relation to my decisions and has never questioned anything I have done which I think has helped.
Having said that. I don't wish to sound conceited but this arrangement has worked because of me. I have compromised so much and worked so had to be a parent but careful not to be a mother. Take on board things their mum would have done even if it's not how I do things as I know that's what would have happened.
As much as I love them and my DP, I can hand on heart say I would never do it again.

secondcoatneeded · 30/07/2022 11:58

Hmmmmmm1 · 30/07/2022 09:53

And by that I don’t mean, you should be willing to ‘tolerate’ having your partners kids full time if the worst happens, as the kids would pick up on that.

I don't believe though that the vast majority of step parents would be actively happy or love the idea of their DSCs living with them full time. I imagine most would "tolerate" it because they accepted it could always be a possibility when they got with their partner. I doubt many would desire the situation though if given the choice.

Having kids full time is hard work, even when they are you own. Moreso when they aren't yours and, say if their mother had sadly passed away, you may also be expected to 'step into' that role one which you may not have played up until that point.

You yourself mentioned not wanting to go to school events as if it were a negative thing. Why is that seen as a bad thing? If their mother had sadly died, their father could go to school events, why would I suddenly need to start going? There will be plenty of children who only have one parent attend their school events be it because they are single parents with absent co parents or widows or whatever else.

Why is it expected that if something happened to or with their mother that I should suddenly become one to them? I would support my husband but he would be my DSCs sole parent if something sadly happened to their other parent, the exact same as any other child who experiences something happening to one of their parents. It wouldn't suddenly make me their mother.

And no, I don't expect my children's lives to be negatively impacted by their half siblings. Not in the sense that finances are stretched over more children, that's just a given. But with things like the examples I've already given, them not being allowed to do things just because their siblings haven't or other things of that nature.

Can I ask what you would do if they actively sought out for you to perform a parenting role? I know I will never replace their mum but it was obvious that in her absence they were desperate for a female/mothering person in their lives. Would you leave your husband because you had no interest in being their parent or stay but leave them with that void that you were unwilling or unable to fill? I'm not judging I'm just interested.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 30/07/2022 13:38

@secondcoatneeded I get that and I hear you.

I think most people expect step mining to be tricky. I certainly didn't expect the minefield that has surprisingly on has occasion blown off my leg.

I think every blended family has different cogs, that can or cannot go wrong. My DSD mum isn't a issue I like her, that makes my part easier with her than say a high conflict ex. It depends. I don't like saying blended families are awful because the different cogs or people involved can impact the ultimate outcome.

Love is such a generic term, you can love in many different ways. The love some people feel is different for that of their DSC than it is their dc, that's not wrong - they might not even call their feelings for other children love but fondness ? I love my niece but she has from me a different type of love from me than I feel for dc.

Again the role thing is important, a fair amount of stress comes from trying to keep the balance of all these cogs and keeping your sanity when it can seem that everyone is saying you have no right to feel anything at all.

I have seen blended families work if there's balance every person has equity in the family. People don't get extra from being a DSC and people don't get extra for being a mum/sm ect. All the voices need to be heard iMO.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 30/07/2022 13:59

I couldn’t agree more! I have hated the entire step parenting experience. My husbands kids are now adults, officially at least so I don’t have to spend nearly as much time with them but when I did I hated every second. I dreaded their weekend visits so much so that I moved out of the joint home I shared with DH.

They weren’t exceptionally bad kids (well sometimes) but I hated the expectation I would share the ‘parental’ responsibility with DH when they were over. They had two parents why did I have to parent them too?

The ex didn’t help. She still has a superiority thinking she’s still relevant in DHs life. She truly isn’t and hasn’t been since they split.

If I knew then what I know now, despite loving DH I’d not have got involved.

TwoDots · 30/07/2022 15:31

RudsyFarmer · 30/07/2022 10:11

I think this is very dependant on whether their bio parents allow you to love them. I hear it so often on step parenting threads that the SC are NOT your children. The step mother has no right to an opinion in regard to the kids. If the demand is that you have to love them and treat them with equivalent feelings to your own whilst being told you have no right to do that I can see it’s basically an impossible task.

I al forever grateful I walked away from my previous relationship. The ex was so difficult and would blow my phone up regularly even though we’d never met and she’d cheated on him multiple times when they were together. I cannot imagine the he’ll I’d have walked into if we’d stayed together and decided to have children 🙈🙈🙈

100% this

i know I would feel much closer to my SD and generally much happier if I was allowed more involvement or even so much of a say as to how things looked in my home.

my DH is wonderful. His ex is not . There will always be an issue as I’m a second class citizen to her. I don’t expect her to give me rights, don’t get me wrong, but her attitude of her being “boss” of both houses and me and my son should just do as we are told really does grate on me

DuchessDarty · 30/07/2022 19:34

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 29/07/2022 19:07

I think it's bad etiquette for you to go through my points criticising them when the OP "genuinely" asked for my opinion and I gave it clearly as my opinion.

  1. it’s a discussion board and you were outlining opinions. Opinions are up for discussion.
  2. I wasn’t criticising the individual points. Just outlining various circumstances in which they wouldn’t be a positive because stepfamilies are all different and some SMs get shittier circumstances than others.
being willing to accept SC unconditionally doesn’t mean the experience is positive for you. Just that you recognise it came as part of the package.

No one has a crystal ball. They assume things will settle. The SC will warm up or their behaviour will improve. The SC’s personalities will develop and there’ll be things to bond over. Some of them find that, actually, the toddler tantrum phase doesn’t pass, the personalities turn out to be difficult, and nothing improves because the SC’s parents are making an arse of being divorced parents.

It’s great your circumstances panned out better than that.

I was outlining my personal views based on my own experience, as I made clear. As I said before, obviously all those circumstances are dependent on lots of factors, I should have known better and added that disclaimer.

I'm really interested what positives YOU think a step-child potentially could add to a step-parent's life. It's easy to respond with corrections to others suggestions.

Personally I think it's distasteful to talk about children being "likeable", as in it being an absolute and objective. It's subjective. It's not about whether they're likeable, it's about whether you/one like them or not. Most children are NOT objectively dislikable, but they can behave in a dislikable way.

It’s great your circumstances panned out better than that. You did see that my DSD's mother died, right? I assume that isn't what you mean? Grin I have a good relationship with DSD but that is because I worked at it, and wouldn't have committed to living with DH and DSD if I didn't find that she added to my life, despite the frustrations and occasional hardships.

DuchessDarty · 30/07/2022 19:39

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 30/07/2022 09:02

@Blueswedeshoes to be crude if mum wasn't in the picture (for whatever reason - not wanting to bump mum off here) from OPs perspective it would be easier.

This is mirrored a lot on this board having DSC full time is easier from what people have said on here.

Firstly, there was nothing in the OP's posts to suggest it would be easier from her perspective if the mum wasn't in the picture.

Secondly, as someone whose DSC's mother did die after I'd been a stepmother figure to DSC for years, I can assure you that it isn't easier overall. I'm not going to go into the reasons why because it's not relevant to this thread, but I find it rather offensive to suggest that.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 30/07/2022 20:17

@DuchessDarty my comment was in response to a pp question of what would you do if mum died and how would you feel about it do sm even consider it so I answered. It does mirror what others in your situation have said based on what I have see on here based on other peoples views, obviously you disagree.

I also didn't say easier over all, I said easier for the op which is what my friend sadly felt when her DSC lost their mum. Mum was high conflict and she found it easier setting a consistent home life for the kids and the kids settled better than being shuttled beween houses (although not easier for the kids in many many other aspects).

Both your feelings on the subject and various other peoples feelings on the subject can both me valid. I'm sorry this offends you but it wasn't at you in anyway just a opinion in response to a pp, and your right though this isn't relevant to the topic at hand re Op.

Let's move on...

aSofaNearYou · 30/07/2022 21:49

Personally I think it's distasteful to talk about children being "likeable", as in it being an absolute and objective. It's subjective. It's not about whether they're likeable, it's about whether you/one like them or not. Most children are NOT objectively dislikable, but they can behave in a dislikable way.

I will never understand the obsession with saying children "behave in dislikable ways" rather than saying they are dislikable. If these "ways" are consistent rather than occasional, then what is the difference, really? It is their personality. If it isn't distasteful to say it about an adult it shouldn't be to say it about a child.

Obviously it's subjective, but again, why does that matter when you're talking about one person's experience of a person?

DuchessDarty · 31/07/2022 00:49

I will never understand the obsession with saying children "behave in dislikable ways" rather than saying they are dislikable.

The 'obsession' is about specifying behaviour rather than damning the entirety of a person and about taking ownership of your feelings rather than blaming someone. "I dislike them" is preferable to "they are dislikable".

If these "ways" are consistent rather than occasional, then what is the difference, really? It is their personality.

It's part of their personality, not the entirety of their personality, unless by 'ways' you mean every single thing they do and say.

If it isn't distasteful to say it about an adult it shouldn't be to say it about a child.

Who says it's not distasteful to say it about any adult? I wouldn't say an adult is dislikable, I'd say I don't like them, because I recognise that - shock horror - others may like them. In fact it's only on this step-parenting section of MN that I've ever heard people use the phrase that someone is dislikable. I've never heard anyone else in RL or on forums say that about people.

You do know though right that it's quite reasonable to have different standards for and when talking about adults as per children? Children have undeveloped brains, their personalities aren't fully fixed before 25, they are still learning.

Obviously it's subjective, but again, why does that matter when you're talking about one person's experience of a person?

Because it signifies you're talking about one person's experience, because it shows you're taking ownership that it's your feelings and perspective of a person rather than stating that they are awful, because you probably wouldn't like it if it was someone writing or talking that way about your own children. Saying you don't like them is one's opinion and is fair enough, saying they are not likeable is harsher and makes it clear you think the problem is them rather than a personality clash.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2022 10:23

@DuchessDarty You are massively overthinking and reading into people's terminology. Obviously when people describe someone as dislikable they mean they find them dislikable. This is just pedantry and nitpicking.

That said, there are behaviour that are objectively and broadly considered unpleasant, and it's not wrong to acknowledge that.

It's part of their personality, not the entirety of their personality, unless by 'ways' you mean every single thing they do and say.

And in regards to this, yes I'm talking about their entire personality. The vast majority of things my DSS says and does, I find hard to like. I'm not talking about occasional bad behaviour in amongst otherwise being lovely.

SpaceshiptoMars · 31/07/2022 11:23

It's probably much easier to like the DSC that take mainly after your DH, than the ones that appear to be carbon copies of a hostile, high conflict ex! It is also easier to bond with those you have an interest/passion in common with.

My younger DSC mix well with my own (quirky) relatives, and that is a huge plus.

Honeylovejoy1 · 31/07/2022 11:37

I had a DSC (15m) who refused to speak to me. Not even a hello when he came in the door. Ex-DH's response? Well, I can't make him talk. They are gone. No love lost.

billy1966 · 31/07/2022 11:40

Great thread OP👏👏👏

Whilst some will post positive stories, the hard graft and grind involved is huge and more often than not thankless.

The posters that speak positively are invariably with kind, supportive men who parent their children and are respectful of the posters contribution.

Unfortunately on MN we read of so many younger women, in my mind, actively recruited as skivvy aupairs for avoidant men.
Who after a failed relationship with their childrens mother (often because they were lazy wasters) know they need to find another woman to find the childcare house skivvy role in their lives.

Unfortunately it isn't until these naive women are pregnant that the penny drops just how selfish and uncaring these men are.