I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

Loads of things in life are a big chore!

But when people have to regularly see to a ‘chore’, then it can cause resentment.

The OP has clearly implied that she dreads it if her dsc’s mum was to no longer be in the picture, how would that impact on her dsc’s if that was the case?

@Blueswedeshoes to be crude if mum wasn't in the picture (for whatever reason - not wanting to bump mum off here) from OPs perspective it would be easier.

This is mirrored a lot on this board having DSC full time is easier from what people have said on here.

pure whataboutery. what if the SC’s mum died?

She’s alive and that’s how things are.

It’s as useful as speculating about how the OP would feel if the SC’s mum moved to New Zealand with them, or one of the children became extremely unwell and had significant care needs, or her husband left her for his PA. None of that is the situation and it’s not relevant.

But when people have to regularly see to a ‘chore’, then it can cause resentment.

The OP has clearly implied that she dreads it if her dsc’s mum was to no longer be in the picture,

I love my DD but she can cause things to be a chore and it doesn't imply I dread spending time with her. Even if dad popped it and I had her full time.

You would be able to acknowledge these things are hard as a mum and not as a step parent it would appear.

I agree it maybe would be easier in some respects (also not wanting to bump mum off!) , but in this particular situation, the OP has basically implied that her dc’s come first and that she doesn’t have any interest in attending, for instance, school things for her dsc’s.
Would she then suddenly play more of a role in their lives?

I do get that the OP will likely always be kind to her dsc’s, but I think she may eventually resent them if it means her own dc’s would have to go without certain things, whether it be them receiving less attention or them not being able to do hobbies for example, due to the fact that the finances will have to stretch further.

I am generally not a big fan of kids, I love mine and quite like a few others based on their personalities rather than because I am supposed to.
I can’t imagine putting up with the minor (mostly) irritations of my DC if I hadn’t given birth to them so I think and step parent who can do it is amazing

I know this is the worst case scenario, and very unlikely to happen, but, when you’re agreeing to make a commitment with someone who has other children, you SHOULD anticipate that things can and do happen, and only get married if you’re willing to accept the whole package unconditionally.

And by that I don’t mean, you should be willing to ‘tolerate’ having your partners kids full time if the worst happens, as the kids would pick up on that.

Absolutely none of that whataboutery is relevant to anything other than your abundantly clear agenda to tell SM’s that they should not be in the situations they are in.

The OP is married to her husband. His ex is very much alive and a bit of a minor general irritation in their life. The SC do not live with them FT. That’s the situation.

whether or not you think she should have recognised that being a stepparent wasn’t going to get more rewarding for her over time and decided to leave the relationship, not marry and not have her children in the basis that tolerating the SC (by being kind to them, providing for them, and so on) is just not good enough is just irrelevant moralising.

And pretty nasty. Dressed up as concern for the SC, as it so often is on her.

And by that I don’t mean, you should be willing to ‘tolerate’ having your partners kids full time if the worst happens, as the kids would pick up on that.

I don't believe though that the vast majority of step parents would be actively happy or love the idea of their DSCs living with them full time. I imagine most would "tolerate" it because they accepted it could always be a possibility when they got with their partner. I doubt many would desire the situation though if given the choice.

Having kids full time is hard work, even when they are you own. Moreso when they aren't yours and, say if their mother had sadly passed away, you may also be expected to 'step into' that role one which you may not have played up until that point.

You yourself mentioned not wanting to go to school events as if it were a negative thing. Why is that seen as a bad thing? If their mother had sadly died, their father could go to school events, why would I suddenly need to start going? There will be plenty of children who only have one parent attend their school events be it because they are single parents with absent co parents or widows or whatever else.

Why is it expected that if something happened to or with their mother that I should suddenly become one to them? I would support my husband but he would be my DSCs sole parent if something sadly happened to their other parent, the exact same as any other child who experiences something happening to one of their parents. It wouldn't suddenly make me their mother.

And no, I don't expect my children's lives to be negatively impacted by their half siblings. Not in the sense that finances are stretched over more children, that's just a given. But with things like the examples I've already given, them not being allowed to do things just because their siblings haven't or other things of that nature.

If only more young women could read threads like this before taking on someone else’s children

step parenting hardly ever works genuinely well

dh hates his stepdad

I agree that I wish more young women knew the realities.

I do think it's unfair when people talk about 'knowing what you were getting into' especially when we're talking about young women.

As I've said earlier in the thread I was so young when I met DH, in life experience terms as well as age really. I'd never experienced anything like this. When I look back now to 22 year old me, having not long lived away from home, I really didn't know much. I'm still learning every day now nearly 8 years on. It's not a situation you just know everything about off the bat.

I'd never do it again now if me and DH were to split that's for sure.

I think this is very dependant on whether their bio parents allow you to love them. I hear it so often on step parenting threads that the SC are NOT your children. The step mother has no right to an opinion in regard to the kids. If the demand is that you have to love them and treat them with equivalent feelings to your own whilst being told you have no right to do that I can see it’s basically an impossible task.

I al forever grateful I walked away from my previous relationship. The ex was so difficult and would blow my phone up regularly even though we’d never met and she’d cheated on him multiple times when they were together. I cannot imagine the he’ll I’d have walked into if we’d stayed together and decided to have children 🙈🙈🙈

So you haven't built any bond with kids who I assume you see ? Did it not go through your head before you married / settled with your dp that they would have a huge impact on your life
I don't see how people cannot care about kids , their children
Then again I don't know how someone can be with a partner who doesn't care or love their kids
Not the same as their own , but like you would a very close friends kid etc

@OnaBegonia but on mumsnet if a mum posted that her new male partner was not interested in her kids everyone would say red flag and run a mile , put your kids first

@Blueswedeshoes I'm not deliberately trying to twist your words, I think that whole pararagraph about how maniacal my intentions are is a tad dramatic. Your post started with "nobody actually expects you to love your SC" and ended with "but you were unfair to get into this marriage." It seems perhaps what you mean is that it's unfair to get into the marriage without having an active interest in the children?

Regarding your point about not getting in the marriage if you wouldn't be happy if their mum died and they came to live with you full time, this comes up a lot on here - but not everyone plans for the very unlikely. There are lots of equally likely things that could happen that would have a similarly if not greater negative impact on the marriage - cheating, spousal death etc - but that doesn't stop you getting married.

Then again I don't know how someone can be with a partner who doesn't care or love their kids
Not the same as their own , but like you would a very close friends kid etc

Surely you can see that this depends very much on other factors, not just because you live with them some of the week. Are the children likeable? I have one that is, and I do like them, and one thats not so much and I do struggle to like them.

Another factor is things like does the ex make it difficult for you or for them to have a relationship. You're not going to like the company of kids who's mum poisons them against you are you? (Not my personal situation but one you see often in step parenting).

Simply being your husbands children or them spending a lot of time in your house doesn't necessarily equal a bond. I don't have a bond with my children just because they are there a lot. It takes a lot more than that.

And no I don't feel I have any particularly strong bond with DSC. As I say, I do like one of them much more than the other. But a bond in the sense that I'd be bothered if I didn't maintain a relationship should be a DH split for example? No not really.

Yes, the same people who are saying it here. The same people would also be pragmatic int that scenario.

It depends what the step parent outwardly shows doesn't it? If he was kind, showed interest and encouraged the mother's relationship with her children then I don't think his personal feelings would really matter.

If he outwardly showed he wasn't arsed, was shitty about them coming and was unpleasant to them when there then yes obviously that's not okay and is a red flag.

@Thatboymum actually that sounds very unselfish

For example, personally I'm really not that interested in my DSCs day to day lives or what they get up to. Really I don't care much what they did in lessons that day or how their hobbies are going. It doesn't mean I don't ask them when I see them.

To me there is a difference in showing interest and having interest. To me the only kids I'm actively interested in are my own. But I show interest in others because it's polite.

@Hmmmmmm1 no on here it would be even if it wasn't outwardly shown
Also so many times people think they are hiding their true feelings really well and actually they are not in the slightest , its picked up on

I guess they must be though if the partner has picked up on it?

I doubt my husband knows the true extent of these feelings in me. Because I don't express them to him and I show an interest in his kids when they are around. I'm sure he knows I don't love them like our DC and things like that and he certainly knows my opinion on our DC not missing out on things due to their older siblings but there are definitely things I'm sure he probably doesn't know 🤷‍♀️

@Hmmmmmm1 no I can't see how it matters about the child , when its a child like a young child , they can't help how they are and are a product of how they have been brought up , which like it or not your partner is part of that
I can understand maybe not liking them at times but still caring about their wellbeing as they are a child
Harder when it becomes a teenager as they are difficult full stop, but if they were behaving really badly I would expect my dh/ dp to be stepping in and making it clear what we find acceptable etc
Its parenting that would be down to him as well , can't just blame the ex