I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

Wow. One poster blaming the children for the issues with the step parents, and a step parent saying everything was good and they'd do it again even thought their own dc were clearly unhappy with the situation and have no contact as adults.

This is exactly the issue: the selfishness of adults putting their own needs and ideas before the children, every time

@lionsmane22 I'm sorry if I'm the poster your referring to I'm not sure how you have gotten to that outcome from what I put ? 😵‍💫

If children are elevated to parental status in absence of a parent figure that's 100% the parents fault.

Re what I said about my sister. How have you read about her Dm being cruel to here over a sustained long time and some how that's the parents fault and not her Dm ? Christ on a bike. I wasn't aware of what legal proceedings they went through to manage it because I gave my perspective as what I saw as a child and my parents were decent parents that didn't project adult issues on to children.

Reading comprehension really has gone down hill.

And yes I wouldn't change my family set up because I like both my DH, mum and my DSD and our joint child.

Of course I would do it again. Why wouldn't I 😅

My experience in a step family was a good one because I got my sister and I love her. Why would I regret her either ?

Life's hard, made harder by unkind people.
If can't understand this then I suggest you go to therapy and work out your issues.

Why would being a step child make you not want to be a step mum? Maybe I am a bit strange but then I became a social worker because I wanted to help others like me and will eventually become a foster carer once my dc has grown up. I genuinely believed all I had to do was be nice, fair, include and be kind to my ss and it would all be okay. I didn't get the blended family dynamics until we were married and I was trapped with a Disney dad.

Although we do marry our parents so I could have entered into it feeling like he was my home, because he was just like my childhood home. Fuck knows but I don't blame myself, I have learnt a lot from my experiences though.

The point I didn't get to see as a step child is that - actually it took work from all the people in the family to get it to work well, not just one participant. That's why blended families fail because if one of those cogs don't pull their weight, it all breaks down

Absolutely!!!!
Love this.

My blended family works amazing when DH and Ex work together without her kicking off and trying to prove points or turn nasty.
As a SC and a SM, the relationship a SM has with her SC is massively affected by the Mum's attitude.

If you are referring to my DC then you are wrong. They don't see each other now and they didn't gel as teenagers because they had their own interests. The older SDC were away at boarding school or university most of the time so it didn't matter too much. They rubbed along ok when they were together, all very civil and pleasant but didn't develop the deep bonds of siblings. In no way was this detrimental - they already had a family and didn't object to me and my DH being together, in fact he definitely enhanced their lives in many ways. His DC were also ultimately pleased that their father had found someone else after his first wife left. I don't think there was ever a suggestion that we shouldn't be together, just that they wanted all his attention when they were home.

It is hard! I feel this, But not all the time, there are moments of joy but it’s very heavy on the demands and very little reward through the teenage years. As they age its getting harder but I’m hoping the joy comes in watching them flurrish as adults, with all their wonderful young lives to lead. Hold steady, they may or may not thank you for sticking with them in the future!

I'm so very glad I stumbled on your post! I 100% agree. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I often refer to it as you get all the crappy bits of parenting but none of the nice stuff! I think there is way to much pressure on step parents to "love them like your own" sometimes this just doesn't happen. Especially after having my own there is no way I could love my SD the way I love my own daughter.I appreciate some people do love their SC like there own and that's great however I'm not and never will be my SDs mother so I think we end up serving a different purpose and place in their lives and this is also ok!

I think the biggest hurdle is having something to bond over ! Coming into a child’s life at any age passed the baby years and when the years of first’s have gone (first words, first steps, first day at school etc) the opportunity for events to bond over are rare. It makes it really hard to build a connection. Just because you love their father doesn’t mean an instinctive love for his of spring.

I think it depends on the child, tbh.

I had a SD for 3 years who I loved, but I got positive responses like I would from my own daughters. She hugged me, loved spending time with me, and we had fun. I often looked after her when her mum & dad were busy, even when my own children were visiting their father. I mourned for the loss of her perhaps more and for longer than the relationship with her father when it ended.

For the last 4 years I've lived full-time with a SS who is now 15. Honestly it's hard. He largely ignores me, like I'm invisible, even though I do his washing, cook, clean, sign his school notes, explain his absences etc. There's no positive interaction, and I get absolutely nothing from it, except for more work, as OP said. I don't discipline him or anything, but it constantly feels like he hates me and wants me to disappear.

But I love his father, and we'll presumably still have the rest of our lives together. So it's worthwhile for me.

@tessellated2 I'd stop doing all that stuff in those circumstances. My SS is the same (and the same age) but I leave it all to his dad. I suspect it's just teen boy behaviour but frankly I can't be arsed with that from someone who isn't even my child.

I feel like I can't relax in my own home while he's here and I'm counting down the hours til he leaves. Only 3 years til uni though...

I mean this kindly but you are only teaching that 15 year old that women are skivvy's that can be treated like shit.

What a message.

That his father allows this and uses you too, tells me that you must not have an ounce of self respect for yourself.

If you had self respect, you would accept that he doesn't wish to engage with you and you would have zero involvement with his comfort and care.

Your desperation for this relationship makes you wide open for it to not end well.

We teach people how to treat us.

You have firmly told shown this man and his son that you don't possess self respect, and will accept being treated badly.

Not a good message.

Have a think.
Maybe get some counselling.

You definitely need some.
Good luck.

The biggest problem I have with step parenting is that I arrived with an expectation that the parents would have a basic level of competence when it came to parenting. They don’t, so together they have raised a spoilt, entitled brat and neither Mum and Dad have the answers now on how to address it but recognise it’s a problem. I’ve been roped into all this, somehow, despite my initial concerns being ignored.

I have my own kids who model DC’s behaviour and I find I’m constantly unpicking the consequences of DSC parents poor parenting with my own.

If I felt that DSC was nice to be around and didn’t have so many demands I imagine I’d enjoy it more.

Kids get spoilt as a consequence of divorce and everyone is expected to enjoy their company and be grateful for their presence.

I disagree.

I simply recognise that he probably feels that he has little need for me in his life, and that's fair, as I feel as though I have little need for him in my life also.

Perhaps in the future when he's an adult with his own children and responsibilities we'll connect on a different level.

I'm not going to send a pointed message about how I feel about him by deciding to target him by not doing anything for him. I have enough respect for myself to know that I need to consistently be the kind of person I can be proud of.

Teenagers can be difficult. My own can be not so nice sometimes. Just like adults can be not so nice sometimes. My husband still does a lot for mine. Because we're a family, so that's how we behave.

He is a previous only child who never had to share anything, and he doesn't have a mother so it must be difficult to see my children get mothering from me, in a way that he doesn't get, because we can't relate on that level.

It's difficult, and it's sad, and I can relate to the original post, but that's all. It doesn't make me a doormat, nor does it make him a bad human.

🙂

Sorry, was replying to @billy1966

"For the last 4 years I've lived full-time with a SS who is now 15. Honestly it's hard. He largely ignores me, like I'm invisible, even though I do his washing, cook, clean, sign his school notes, explain his absences etc. There's no positive interaction, and I get absolutely nothing from it, except for more work, as OP said. I don't discipline him or anything, but it constantly feels like he hates me and wants me to disappear."

We'll have to agree to disagree!

Allowing anyone to treat you like that, without consequences, is not good, and does not teach them anything other than they have zero responsibility for themselves and those around them.

That you think after 4 years of this, and however many years more he lives with you, that suddenly in his 20's he will morph into a young man who will have a lightbulb moment is highly unlikely.

More like he will be an angry young man with selfish disregard for those around him, who will go on to be similarly selfish towards any woman he meets.

His not having a mother is no excuse for him to treat you like something on his shoe.

Accepting being treated badly doesn't make you a better person.

Expecting to be treated with courtesy and respect in your home, just makes you a person who values who you are, and what you do for those around you.

Good luck.

Have to agree with @billy1966 I'm afraid. I'm also a firm believer that kids of that age need to be doing stuff for themselves, otherwise how on earth will they survive at uni?

Example to illustrate - DSS makes his own packed lunch. If he doesn't remember to a) make it and b) put it in his bag for school, he has no lunch. Today's packed lunch is currently sat in the fridge.... neither me nor his dad have the headspace to remind him of basic things he needs to be doing.

My 13 year old has been responsible for his own lunch since he went back to school after lockdown.

Which is to say, I think tiptoeing around and acting like servant to a SC is odd. I wouldn’t even consider making a 15 year old a packed lunch.

Also your children seeing you treated so poorly is not good for them.

It teaches them that
a)its ok to treat people like shit even when they are kind to you, and

b) that others who are not happy can treat me like shit and I have to suck it up, just like my mum showed me.

That is NOT a message I would want either my sons or daughter's seeing.

You sound like a very kind patient woman, but whilst you may think you are doing right by all the teens in your home, you really aren't.

It is possible to be very kind, loving but very firm about your expectations of basic courtesy, respect and appreciation.

Either way, I wish you well.

Well the difficulty might be that I have 6 kids (2 of them are adults who don't live here), and because of the way that they were raised when they were younger, they're effortlessly good kids. They get good grades, they're not argumentative or rude.

My SS has always been a handful. He had a lot of intervention when he was young for lack of empathy, and not recognising emotions in others. He was on medication for years for ADHD. He is just a completely different type of child to mine, so I don't know what kind of difference I could make, or how.

He is having friends over today so my husband has him vaccuming upstairs, and it just becomes a bickering match. They butt heads and I'm just trying to stay out of it. I can't offer advice to my husband, because he gets defensive. It feels like an impossible situation that I just need to get through in best possible spirits. Also, I'm not entirely sure how much is my perception because of my own children, and how much is normal teen behaviour.

I'll certainly consider any helpful options.

I do worry about him having a partner or children when he is an adult, and how he will cope. But perhaps that's normal with 15 year old boys?

I do appreciate your thoughtful responses.

FML you have just quoted my life 😵

It’s intolerable. I’d rather be single and free to live my own life any day and making my own choices rather than stay in that (I stayed longer than was healthy for me in a particularly crazy dynamic and never been so low down the decision-making chain in things impacting my daily life… not least by individuals that I’d never associate with personally so to weird that power grates because it’s not okay. Nor is feeling like a visitor/satellite in your own life… I definitely should have left sooner and NEVER again!!). Good luck if you’re still in it and sending plentiful wine 🍷 ❤️