AIBU to think you don't keep a child awake just so they can see their siblings?

[TiredBabe]

We have DSC 50:50. EOW but during the week the other.

When they stay during the week they don't really get to see our toddler as they have hobbies on most evenings and by the time they get home our child is in bed and then in the morning it's up and out to school.

My husband thinks I should keep our toddler up an extra half an hour in the evenings so DSC can 'say hello', AIBU to say absolutely bloody not.

He's cranky and ready for bed by 7:15ish so we have milk and a story and he's asleep by 7:30. DSC tend to get home around the time he's put into bed so we are upstairs when they come in.

I work part time so spend most of my time with our DC so I know when he's getting too tired and when he needs to go to sleep.

No. I’m not talking about you.

although, if I were, then you’d totally be in the right to put your child’s basic needs above the wants of the SC.

if their father thinks they need to spend more time with the toddler, then they need to drop a hobby evening. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Actually wait… I haven’t had enough sleep l!

I am talking about you @ColouringPencils. why are the hobbies sacred and the toddler’s sleep ‘not a big deal’?

it’s the OP who is right to put her child’s needs first.

I don't get it ...

DSC want to see DS...

• DS a very young toddler who'd be miserable being literally forced to stay awake so he can entertain his older siblings - totally reasonable.

DSC - could give up a hobby if seeing DS and developing the sibling relationship is THAT important and spend a whole evening with him - totally unreasonable.

Do your sdc get to see him on weekends? If so i don't see the problem. Lots of half siblings only see each other every other weekend and still have a bond. 7.30 sleep for 18 month old isn't early! If it was a one off and they wouldn't get to see him for ages afterwards I would take the hit on the routine, in the same way I might for a special event, but if they would see him on a weekend within a few weeks anyway, or dh is asking for this every night, no way!

I'm surprised they are out until 7 every single weeknight though. That seems a bit overscheduled assuming school finishes by 3.30? Are they elite training for something or do they do loads of different things? By the time they've eaten there can't be much time for homework and relaxing.

I personally wouldnt usually stop someone doing a hobby for a sibling as long as it was practical and affordable to get them there, but equally i dont think a toddlers routine should revolve around teenagers. As others have said, a toddler doesn't want to say hello, they want to play and that would get them excited so no way would it only be half an hour.

The only way I could see it working is if the teens would come in and calmly do the putting to bed for you? Taking over with story time after you've done bath maybe so that its only a bit later he goes to sleep. Would that work? If not weekends it is!

And I'm not suggesting they should give up a hobby btw. I'm just not sure why one is fine and for the benefit of their relationship but the other would be totally unreasonable.

They do spend a lot of time together when DSC stay at weekend yes.

I'm surprised they are out until 7 every single weeknight though. That seems a bit overscheduled assuming school finishes by 3.30? Are they elite training for something or do they do loads of different things? By the time they've eaten there can't be much time for homework and relaxing.

I don't disagree tbh, I know my husband thinks they do too much as well. They tend to have tea before they go as their clubs start around 6pm.

I don't think DS would settle for them doing the story and milk, they are still pretty young, not quite teenagers. He kicks off sometimes when it's DH doing it.

Could the weekday nights be swapped so that one night the kids are not out doing a hobby?

When I know my DSS is coming I actually try and get my two down a bit earlier. He often arrives bang on bedtime and disrupts our routine. If my two are in bed it’s much easier. My DH can’t help once my pre-schooler is hyped up and wanting to play with DSS so my smoothly run evening turns my into a nightmare.

After a long day of parenting I count down to bedtime! Plus my eldest is very sensitive to sleep. He stayed up late Saturday and last night was the first night he was in bed for 7 and had a full nights sleep. He’s just not all that adaptable. I suspect my baby will be easier going but I can’t change my eldest.

kids thrive off routine, it’s well recognised.

I personally wouldnt usually stop someone doing a hobby for a sibling as long as it was practical and affordable to get them there, but equally i dont think a toddlers routine should revolve around teenagers.

I wouldn't either. My only point with that was asking why one is reasonable and the other not.

OP, @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander is on your side here and referencing Animal Farm - the George Orwell book.

It'll be the summer holidays soon and your DH can spend loads of time with the toddler and his kids getting them to bond whilst you work/have a break.

I guarantee after a few sessions of that he'll get bored as trying to juggle the needs of different aged kids is tough.

Presumably the DSC see their half-sibling at weekends as well?

There's plenty of time for them to bond and a good sleep routine is worth its weight in gold, so don't break that unless you absolutely have to!

Oh sorry I didn't mean my reply to Fishcakes to sound like I was arguing with her. I got her post, I meant I didn't get other poster's haha my bad, I wasn't clear.

That’s kind of my point.

Stepfamilies are too often like animal farm. All children are equal, but SC are more equal than others.

It seems that many posters on MN are totally with the pigs though. They’re busy telling SMs that it’s not preferential treatment; it’s for the resident child’s own good that the SC get more.

apparently the SC’s hobbies are more important than your child’s bedtime. Keeping the toddler up is for his/her own good, because the relationship with the SC is the important thing. They are already poor martyred SC so their hobbies are also for the greater good.

Any dissent to this brainwashing will be harshly punished.

Of course they should drop a hobby of seeing their half sibling - and building that relationship - is the priority.

otherwise, it sounds like the toddler doesn’t matter. It’s not really about the relationship at all. The toddler is more a prop in the entertaining the SC show their father wants you to stage.

That’s kind of my point

Sorry yes I know, I was agreeing with you I was just completely unclear about it 🤣

About 6 months ago I could have written your post OP. I put my foot down and said it was utterly ridiculous and they could see DC in the morning or drop their after school hobby if it mattered that much. DC is not an entertainment for them and its really important to me that they understand that DC's life goes on when they aren't there and doesn't revolve around them. Anyway that was all sorted out and now DC has decided to stay up late anyway now 😂

You wouldn't do this if was a biological sibling and parents would seem bonkers suggesting it. That is treating step children as normal members of the family. Their relationship is a long game , they'll see him the next day.
Too much pandering to children that don't live 100% with the family. I have friends who did all their chores, boring stuff etc when child not there so could focus on them, it's just not how families work, just carry on in normal routine.

No I wouldn't do this unless your DH was sorting the consequences. My H was like this with DS - always had suggestions for doing this or that but with me doing the grunt work. I put a stop to that pretty quickly.

A tired and grumpy toddler is no fun for siblings so I don't see what the DSC would even get out of it.

Nope! I don't keep my one year old up to see anyone. Cranky babies are not fun🙈keep to your routine!

You wouldn't do this if was a biological sibling and parents would seem bonkers suggesting it. 100% true

Also it's pretty cruel to force someone to stay awake for someone else's benefit

i think you’re absolutely right not to delay bedtime for a half hour of (grumpy overtired) playtime with DSC. Can they just creep in as you say you’re still up there so I assume DC still awake at that point and say night night to toddler and blow kisses? It’s what I do with my ds who is 10 and dd who is 17 months and she is fine with it but I get that it might over excite sone toddlers! Ds is also very good at being calm and quiet.

Ah sorry, I'd missed that your dc was in nursery so that's why they don't see him earlier - i thought you meant they were out the whole time until 7. That's not such a ridiculous schedule then. I'd also missed it was only some week nights they were with you, so I though they were out all that time 5 nights a week.

In that case I'd leave things as they are and they can appreciate the weekend time they get together. My dd would soon tell you time with younger siblings gets old after too much of it 😉

Your opinion on this is clear OP so I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread.

No I wouldn't be keeping him up

Presumably some sort of support or a sense check that they weren't being unreasonable. Why does any one post anything either here or in AIBU? AIBU is full of posts where people have already made up their mind (often going on about boris Johnson)

This is NOT AIBU.

maybe she wanted some support?

No I am not sure either. And someone just equated me to a pig on Animal Farm because I said I thought it was worth a try that a toddler could stay up later.