Graduation

[Crikeyallmightly]

tonight my daughter told me that her sm is coming to her graduation as she feels she can’t say no to her dad . She did say that she would of preferred her aunt to come as she had more to do with her upbringing than someone married to her dad for 3 years . I am now dreading dinner , breakfast and graduation with someone I meet once and didn’t really like . Aibu ?

I get it but it's a bit of a minefield. I have the opposite issue, parents trying to avoid going! I'm going to my DD's and Dp's DD's at her request

@Andifin that's horrific. But it's also not the behaviour suggested in the OP. Far from it. It's also not the behaviour of SM in general and that's what PP was complaining about. To be told to know your place simply because you married someone who has children with someone else is inappropriate, reductive and offensive.

@Andifin that sounds hideous and you shouldn't have gone through that. They sound like bad people regardless of title.

That said and I hope this doesn't sound to blunt here, I'm sure you can be objective enough to know that this situation and this post are worlds apart nothing in the op suggests anything akin to yours. There are many many sms who aren't like the women your exHB is married to and would find it highly offensive to suggest they are.

Thank you all for acknowledging that there are times when the SM is not really welcome.
I was vilified on here earlier (@SmileyPiuPiu ) in the thread for not wanting to have photos taken with the OW and my EXDH.
It was suggested that I wasn’t putting my DC’s first….

This is all blown up to the usual MN level whereas it is really about common sense and decency and yes not everyone has that. I am realising that by reading some of the posts on here. Each situation is so individual as are the people involved but what I detest is other people telling a woman they have to suck it up. You rarely hear about that being said to men and ime it is usually the men who are the ones pushing for invites on behalf of the new spouse.

@SkeletonFight i don't think it's about common decency so much as people aren't mind readers.

That is compounded but exactly what you put - ime it is usually the men who are the ones pushing for invites on behalf of the new spouse.

I would be furious if I was made to attend something for DSD to find out I wasn't welcome. Communication is apparently something that's lacking all way around

Agree these are very difficult situations and can cause masses of stress all round.

Hmm I would invite my Dad to my graduation if he bought SM than that's ok but I wouldn't really be fussed. How old was DD when SM came into the picture ? I was 15 so had no interest in forming a really close relationship.

Are you saying that even if there is no close relationship the reason the SM should be invited is because she is important to the father?

@SkeletonFight to be fair I'm not particularly close to my aunty or have any interest in being close to her (v different views on many different thing along with her being a fairly hideous person) but we go see her on family occasions and family events.

Because you don't get to pick family. And as much as people hate it a sm is family to dad and the kids.

SM may well feel completely excluded if uninvited to graduation. Will she have to suck it up? Someone’s going to have to, mum or SM?

the issue is the daughter wanting to have her aunt at the graduation, I think.

bit in terms of who sucks it up….should the mother miss her child’s graduation because of bad feeling?

Quite understand that there's limited tickets for the graduation, however could your Sister come along to the dinner with you all ?

@Steptoeandson the bit that confused me was this SM obviously makes an effort ( actually where did that statement come from?) and she’s Dad’s wife, she’s someone really important to him… That's a different thing from what you have added in your subsequent post. The original suggested to me that because the SM is really important to him then she should go as it might make the father unhappy if she didn't go ? If this was the case then he is the one who needs to " suck it up" .

Obviously everyone has different views on this depending on where you come from. I have both sides of it - being a mother and a stepmother. I did not expect for one minute to be sitting there at a celebration for my husband's son and the son's mother. 3 years to me was not long enough despite the fact that I have paid 1/2 of his costs when he lives with us at weekends and holidays for 3 years . I was not involved in University costs and fees, school fees etc. In my mind it was their day as a special family unit . I knew his mother was very emotional about the event to start with and while she initiated divorce she didn't seem to think ahead to how she would feel if he got married again. In fact I haven't met her yet. I believe that many women have to "suck it up" on several occasions and it is detrimental to mental health.