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Original poster

Graduation

119 replies

Crikeyallmightly · 04/07/2022 22:55

tonight my daughter told me that her sm is coming to her graduation as she feels she can’t say no to her dad . She did say that she would of preferred her aunt to come as she had more to do with her upbringing than someone married to her dad for 3 years . I am now dreading dinner , breakfast and graduation with someone I meet once and didn’t really like . Aibu ?

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Pleaseletmeconfirm · 05/07/2022 09:10

How about seeing this graduation as an easy way to get to meet your kids SM in quite a relaxed way. She is prob going to be in your daughters life for years so you might as well get used to it now. Better than at a wedding or something.
You daughter will feel more relaxed. It's just a day and a casual happy easy day.

I completely understand it is not easy but why not just go along with it. Acknowledge it's a bit weird and crack on with it. It's your daughters day.

Also, I wouldn't bother getting into the mindset of a previous poster who suggested that looking amazing for the SM was something to note. Again, I know it is difficult, but trying to point score is pointless!

I love graduations. They are good fun. I hope you have a fantastic day

user2345266 · 05/07/2022 10:05

I understand why it will be awkward for you but I would actually suggest you and DD look at this from another point of view. I think it's lovely the step-mum wants to go and celebrate her achievements. She is obviously fond of her and proud of her.
I had a terrible relationship with a jealous SM so I would have really appreciated this type of support and friendship from my dads partner back in the day.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 12:25

@Pleaseletmeconfirm That is a good way of looking at it. Like a trial run for if she has a wedding.

funinthesun19 · 05/07/2022 14:51

This kind of thing is exactly why "treat them as your own" isn't a particularly healthy IMO. There will always be ways to completely show up the fact that step kids are not your own so what's the point of pretending?

I agree with this. And usually, treat them as your own only applies when it comes to donkey work in dad’s place in earlier years, like looking after stepchildren, picking them up from school, cleaning up after them, etc… Plenty of mums expect their kids’ stepmum to be doing stuff like this.
But “treat them as your own” just doesn’t fit for everything does it? Like you say it’s not healthy. It’s usually just used as a tool for parents to get what they want out of the stepmum when the kids are younger. Not saying this applies to OP as SM has only been around for 3 years, but I reckon some stepmums who have been around for years and done lots over the years suddenly know their unimportant place when the kids are grown up and special events come up. I can imagine lots of mothers of the bride who are very vocal about not wanting their toes stepped on and want the stepmum to have very little part in the wedding. So yeah, treat them as your own is all for the parents gain in my opinion.

OP, are you sure she wants to go? This could all be your ex wanting his partner there and she might just be going along with it to keep him happy.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 16:35

OP, are you sure she wants to go? This could all be your ex wanting his partner there and she might just be going along with it to keep him happy. I can see this happening. In which case if she doesn't want to be there, you don't want her to be there and if DD genuinely wants her aunt therr over her SM then that's 3 of you all just going along with something because a man has said so.

DD should perhaps make polite enquiries along the lines of "are you sure you want to come you really don't have to SM, we can do something special together later if you'd rather".

Steptoeandson · 05/07/2022 17:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

howtomoveforwards · 05/07/2022 17:27

Put your big girl pants on and suck it up. Don't create unnecessary drama

how about the SM puts on her big girl pants and sucks up the fact her DSD would rather someone else attended the graduation over her? How about she doesn’t create unnecessary drama?

user2345266 · 05/07/2022 17:30

howtomoveforwards · 05/07/2022 17:27

Put your big girl pants on and suck it up. Don't create unnecessary drama

how about the SM puts on her big girl pants and sucks up the fact her DSD would rather someone else attended the graduation over her? How about she doesn’t create unnecessary drama?

Imagineeee if the step mum said she didn't want to go. This poor step mum would be the worst person ever who shouldn't have got involved with someone with kids.
But the kids can reject the step mum and leave her out completely and it's fine... interesting

harriethoyle · 05/07/2022 17:38

@howtomoveforwards hope you stretched before that reach bearing in mind NOWHERE has OP suggested SM has created any drama whatsoever 😂😂

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/07/2022 18:12

howtomoveforwards · 05/07/2022 17:27

Put your big girl pants on and suck it up. Don't create unnecessary drama

how about the SM puts on her big girl pants and sucks up the fact her DSD would rather someone else attended the graduation over her? How about she doesn’t create unnecessary drama?

How is it possible sms causing drama since sm hasn't posted, hasn't said ohh I must be invited over aunty, that on a post like this. In some peoples eyes it's still the sm fault...

Dammed some of you really are angry sm exist 😂 and here we are still annoying you by breathing fml

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 18:17

howtomoveforwards · 05/07/2022 17:27

Put your big girl pants on and suck it up. Don't create unnecessary drama

how about the SM puts on her big girl pants and sucks up the fact her DSD would rather someone else attended the graduation over her? How about she doesn’t create unnecessary drama?

All the SM has done as far as we can tell is exist and be invited to a meal.

weekendninja · 05/07/2022 18:36

Sounds like your DD needs to stand up for herself and say what she wants. She's old enough.

I couldn't think of anything worse than sharing space with my DPs ex either so perhaps she feels pressured to go?

Kite22 · 05/07/2022 18:46

I think there are a few "it depends" in this.
Presumably your dd hasn't got 4 tickets to the actual graduation? So that presumably means it will just be you and her Dad.

Why are you having breakfast together?

There is no reason why others can't go to the University town, and 'be around' when you are having pictures, and go for a meal together afterwards. Why doesn't your dd invite her Aunt as well if she wants to? Might make conversation less stilted at dinner.

harriethoyle · 05/07/2022 18:56

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 18:17

All the SM has done as far as we can tell is exist and be invited to a meal.

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Indeed. What a cold hearted bitch she is! She knew what she was getting into marrying a man with kids, I bet she was the OW. 😂😂😂

user2345266 · 05/07/2022 18:59

@SmileyPiuPiu @harriethoyle 😂😂😂👏🏼👏🏼

Andifin · 05/07/2022 19:00

Worse than that for me. My ExDH invited his OW, she destroyed our family years before.
We all kept our distance, DC’s flitted between. I did draw the line at the expectation that we would all have photos together.

ExDH didn’t pay a penny towards DC’s university costs - shameful that he attended never mind OW.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/07/2022 19:03

The mere act of opining about big girl pants immediately invalidates a post. It’s like an Al Murray catch phrase. Means utterly nothing but it’s bullish and the person saying it probably reckons it makes them well ‘ard and telling it like it is

harriethoyle · 05/07/2022 19:05

🙄

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/07/2022 19:12

@Andifin you know my Dd sm was the other women and I rather like her. I know what happened must have hurt like hell, but you know I think carrying around a load of anger really only burdens yourself (imo) course be angry at him he broke your marriage vows but life is to short for that type of rubbish long term.

For the sake of my DD I just thought well it happened I can just do what's best for her and my life was easier and it sounds like you reached a compromise and I think sometimes when these things happen that's all you can do.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 19:54

Andifin · 05/07/2022 19:00

Worse than that for me. My ExDH invited his OW, she destroyed our family years before.
We all kept our distance, DC’s flitted between. I did draw the line at the expectation that we would all have photos together.

ExDH didn’t pay a penny towards DC’s university costs - shameful that he attended never mind OW.

Loads of people invite guests to their graduation who haven't paid for the education. The two aren't linked.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 19:55

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 19:54

Loads of people invite guests to their graduation who haven't paid for the education. The two aren't linked.

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And I feel quite sorry for your DC that they couldn't have one day where their family were in one photo for the 1 minute it would have taken.

Kite22 · 05/07/2022 20:14

Andifin · 05/07/2022 19:00

Worse than that for me. My ExDH invited his OW, she destroyed our family years before.
We all kept our distance, DC’s flitted between. I did draw the line at the expectation that we would all have photos together.

ExDH didn’t pay a penny towards DC’s university costs - shameful that he attended never mind OW.

How very sad for your dc that you couldn't have stood on one side of them for the 8 seconds it would have taken to take a photograph with both their parents.

Whatever has happened in your relationship, your dc still have one Mum and one Dad. I find it hard to believe that you made them choose between you and flit from one to the other. No, you don't have to play happy families, but a photo at a graduation shouldn't have been too hard for your dc to ask Sad

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 20:25

Kite22 · 05/07/2022 20:14

How very sad for your dc that you couldn't have stood on one side of them for the 8 seconds it would have taken to take a photograph with both their parents.

Whatever has happened in your relationship, your dc still have one Mum and one Dad. I find it hard to believe that you made them choose between you and flit from one to the other. No, you don't have to play happy families, but a photo at a graduation shouldn't have been too hard for your dc to ask Sad

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It's very sad. There may not be another opportunity and they would have treasured that photo.

Andifin · 05/07/2022 21:28

I can’t believe what I am reading!

We had a fantastic graduation day, my DC was very appreciative of the fact that I have supported him, recognising how hard I’ve worked to bring him up, how tight money has been whilst paying to help him at uni, how much time and effort I have spent kitting out his uni flat, picking him up to come home for holidays, and how hard he himself has worked for his degree whilst holding down a part time job.

My DC is more than aware that his dad hasn’t supported him in time, interest or financially.

The photos are also lovely.
My DC and I. DC with his dad and OW.
We didn’t need to be in the same photo, why would we?

Andifin · 05/07/2022 21:31

It's very sad. There may not be another opportunity and they would have treasured that photo.

No, he really wouldn’t!

And what would we do with said photo, place it on display at home? OW wouldn’t want it in her house, I wouldn’t want it in mind, DC doesn’t want it either….