Graduation

[Crikeyallmightly]

tonight my daughter told me that her sm is coming to her graduation as she feels she can’t say no to her dad . She did say that she would of preferred her aunt to come as she had more to do with her upbringing than someone married to her dad for 3 years . I am now dreading dinner , breakfast and graduation with someone I meet once and didn’t really like . Aibu ?

As far as she knows she is wanted there. The ex wife probably either hasn't even entered her mind as she's no one to her, or she's thought ok, could be awkward but DSC wants me to go.

If I'm invited somewhere I don't tend to think of the other guests, I just assume I am wanted there. My life is too busy to be second guessing what the other guests want.

Since I have been with my now H there has been two 18ths , one 21st and a graduation - the biological family went out for these events. I made it clear to my H that I thought this was the right thing to happen as I try to be aware and respectful of other's feelings. We celebrated another time with the children concerned.

and there you have summed it up The ex wife probably either hasn't even entered her mind as she's no one to her what a sad way to view life.

But if the DSC had wanted you there as they value you is that not a bit sad for them?

@CauliWobble I would describe it as being respectful and good manners not being too busy to think

It isn't meant to be harsh, genuinely my DSC's mum does not register in my mind in my decisions, why would she?! The only time I think about her is when shes being a pain and trying to interfere in my life.

Neither of them indicated that and tbh I'm sure it didn't even enter their minds - I'm sure grown children don't love their SM and SF in the same way as some people think. They are also very self centred at this age. Granted this would be different if SP had been involved since a very young age.

Fair enough. But she doesn't think about me and my feelings and needs and wants so it's what works for us. We both just carry on regardless and are vaguely aware of each others existence.

@CauliWobble I suppose that explains it then.

Then that makes sense and I can understand why you'd step back in those circumstances. But if my DSC said to me, please will you come to my graduation then I would say yes no hesitation.

You sound like you have an antagonistic relationship with her.

@SkeletonFight I suspect although not plantable to some but SMs concern about coming is based on DSD and her husband. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I very much doubt that she's given much thought to mum or if she has she's taking what the kids have said on face value. Especially if that mum is hostile and made it clear she doesn't like her. It's kinda reap what you sow type situation.

As the situation isn't about mum is it ? When it boils down to it. Same with weddings, that said not all sm are made equal and also not all mums are made equal.

I think it must be sad to hold on to such anger and resentment to the detriment of your own kids. Sad way to live life but different folks different strokes

It sounds like that but we don't really. We just have a completely neutral relationship whereby we don't have anything to do with each other. Every so often something will pop up like can I pay for xyz or help out with xyz and DH says no. And that winds me up a little but its all quite calm apart from that and we just don't register.

@SkeletonFight your birthdays example is different though if I've understood correctly (which I might not have). Your SC didn't want you there, or didn't invite you, and in OP scenario DSD has invited her SM.

If my DSD invited me to something important to them I would do everything I could to be there because I would work on the assumption the invite meant I was wanted. If I wasn't invited, I wouldn't push myself forward. But that's not the scerio this OP has decribed.

I think it’s such a shame that your daughter was told SM is going to her graduation when, in fact, it is your daughters absolute right to decide who she wants to give her precious three tickets to. That would infuriate me.

It’s a difficult one as she obviously doesn’t want to upset her (selfish) Dad so yes, you are going to have to suck it up for your daughters sake.
Put on your brightest smile, give all your attention to your daughter and make her day special regardless of whoever else is attending. And make sure you get lots of photos of just you and her at the venue.

This is my view on it too. I would imagine by the time the invite was issued the DSC had thought about it if they'd thought there'd be an issue with mum

@Steptoeandson they are disgusting because you don" t agree? No one is saying a SM should "know her place" . I am a SM myself but yes I do know when something isn't appropriate.

@Steptoeandson that's a fairly mysoginistic last line.

Furthermore, I think mum would feel differently if she had a new husband…

@Crikeyallmightly

Are you sure the SM isn't there mainly as the designated driver?!!! I get more cynical with every passing year.....

Is there a limit to the number of tickets your dd can have for the actual graduation?

Could you compromise somehow? Have aunt at the graduation and then sm joins for celebratory lunch (or is lunch part of the uni graduation?)

I think some of the attitudes on here are, quite frankly, disgusting. That a SM should “know her place”, it’s vile. The SM place is as the dad’s wife and with his/their family and that’s what she’s doing, attending a family event.
@Steptoeandson

You discount the attitudes, moral compass and hurt caused by the SM through her choices and behaviours as does my ExDH with his own behaviours.
Dad is hardly a welcome addition to our DC’s life, never mind the OW.

She is a disgrace.
Sleeping with my husband in our bed.
When I was at work, taking our children out ( with their dad) but lying to them by giving herself a different name, so our children couldn’t slip up.
Sending anonymous letters to me and my family and ringing me in the middle of the night.
Following me.
Backing my ex DH’s version of events with the police when he dragged me up the stairs by my hair, in full view of her.

I could go on. My family would really appreciate it if she did know her place. We would appreciate that my ExDH also makes appropriate choices.
No place for anyone who behaves so badly, in our family. It is about high standards and holding others to account for their actions.

@Andifin

That behaviour is most definitely appalling. I can see why you recoil at having to have anything to do with the woman, and why you'd not want her to have anything to do with your children either.

However. Most SMs are not the OW. Those that stay the course are generally a different sort altogether, and it is completely unfair to treat them as the social pariahs the above behaviour would suggest.