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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Graduation

119 replies

Crikeyallmightly · 04/07/2022 22:55

tonight my daughter told me that her sm is coming to her graduation as she feels she can’t say no to her dad . She did say that she would of preferred her aunt to come as she had more to do with her upbringing than someone married to her dad for 3 years . I am now dreading dinner , breakfast and graduation with someone I meet once and didn’t really like . Aibu ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/07/2022 23:02

Firstly congratulations on daughter achievement
ok, I appreciate it’s difficult you’ll need to grimace and glide. Small talk and avoidance so you don’t have to linger too long

MeridianB · 05/07/2022 05:27

As a mum and a step mum, I totally empathise. I would never in a million years expect to attend such an event unless my DSC invited me without any pressure or influence.

Do you know if this has been instigated by her dad or her SM?

Original poster

Crikeyallmightly · 05/07/2022 05:44

It’s been instigated by her dad ,I really do not want to sit at dinner with them. For the past 6 months it was only supposed to me her dad and her boyfriend. In past couple of weeks it’s changed but I was only told yesterday.

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 05/07/2022 05:50

Times like this, it's best to don your big girl pants and attend the graduation with grace. Get your hair done, wear a confidence - boosting outfit, and glide through the occasion with a smile and some small talk. I had to do something similar at Dad's engagement party, so yes I know how you feel, but the day is about your daughter . Hang in there , you'll be fine.

ShippingNews · 05/07/2022 05:52

DD's not Dad's obviously !

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 06:33

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't want SM there and she's not just trying to spare your feelings. She's in a tricky position so I'd just go and support your daughter.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 06:34

Crikeyallmightly · 05/07/2022 05:44

Ah missed this bit. Then your daughter needs to speak up for what she wants.

Original poster

Crikeyallmightly · 05/07/2022 06:42

I was told sm says ‘ love you ‘ and they feel have to say it back as they feel can’t just say nothing when someone says that . I really do not want to do hours of small talk with her.

OP posts:

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 06:50

Crikeyallmightly · 05/07/2022 06:42

I was told sm says ‘ love you ‘ and they feel have to say it back as they feel can’t just say nothing when someone says that . I really do not want to do hours of small talk with her.

She could try taking her out for a coffee and saying it's great that SM loves her but she's not quite there yet and while she deeply respects her and appreciates her being in her life it will take time to establish a deeper connection?

ShippingNews · 05/07/2022 07:00

She has been married to your ex for three years - and presumably with him for much longer - surely you can't expect her to stay away from family occasions for that long. Just turn up and stick a smile on your face . It's just one day and you can still enjoy it with the right mind set. And don't overthink whether your kids say " love you" to her or not - that's not fair on anyone.

Nugg · 05/07/2022 07:18

I'm doing the same next weekend. I'm going to look fabulous, smile and be polite and so incredibly proud of my daughter's achievement. Nobody else can be her mum, remember that!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/07/2022 07:25

I mean you know if this was a sm saying she was invited to something like this and didn't want to go I would say stay for the important part (your daughter graduating) and make excuses re pleasantarie aka cocktails dinner ect.

I want to be able to say this to you too but i realise you will want to celebrate with the kids and your daughter which is completely natural.

Would it be easier if it was just dad and yourself ?

vanillarum · 05/07/2022 07:29

Are you and your ex sharing the costs of the day?

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/07/2022 07:36

Is there some back story where the SM paid for fees, accommodation for DD? Did DD live at Dad's for the duration of her course? Did SM have specialist degree knowledge in DD's subject and coach her?

I'm struggling to understand why SM would want to take that ticket when they are so limited. (SM here).

Original poster

Crikeyallmightly · 05/07/2022 08:10

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/07/2022 07:36

Is there some back story where the SM paid for fees, accommodation for DD? Did DD live at Dad's for the duration of her course? Did SM have specialist degree knowledge in DD's subject and coach her?

I'm struggling to understand why SM would want to take that ticket when they are so limited. (SM here).

Nope no back story .

OP posts:

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 08:13

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/07/2022 07:36

Is there some back story where the SM paid for fees, accommodation for DD? Did DD live at Dad's for the duration of her course? Did SM have specialist degree knowledge in DD's subject and coach her?

I'm struggling to understand why SM would want to take that ticket when they are so limited. (SM here).

Yes I mean I personally wouldn't want to go! I feel its for the parents, but it does depend how involved she's been.

Hapoydayz · 05/07/2022 08:15

That’s rubbish for your daughter when she would prefer her Aunt to be there. Surprised the sm would want to go as will just seem like a spare part if your dd doesn’t want her there either.

HeddaGarbled · 05/07/2022 08:24

You’ve only met her once and already decided you don’t like her? That’s a bit of a rush to judgement, especially as that first meeting will have been fraught with baggage for everyone.

Come on now. You’re a grown up. I’m sure you can be courteous to someone you hardly know. You never know, she might grow on you.

RainbowSlaw · 05/07/2022 08:28

I agree the best thing is just to grin and bare it, and maybe then take your daughter out for a special drink or meal in a few weeks just the two of you if you feel you also want a chance to celebrate more privately.

However - another option on the table is separate meals. A friend of ours ended up with dad and sm for lunch, graduation ceremony, and then mum and sd for dinner.
They were a family where the parents hadn't mixed for years and there were still hard feelings - they managed one whole family drink after the ceremony where the graduate had lined up friends and their families to be in the same place to run interference as they were so stressed at the thought. I add that detail to highlight that this is probably the worst case scenario option and won't be much fun for your DD...but it is there as a last resort I guess.

Youseethethingis1 · 05/07/2022 08:36

This kind of thing is exactly why "treat them as your own" isn't a particularly healthy IMO. There will always be ways to completely show up the fact that step kids are not your own so what's the point of pretending?
I'd support your daughter to be honest with her dad and if he's not a total idiot he will understand that she wants her aunt there rather than his wife. He might even be a bit embarrassed at his presumption, as he should be. If the SM has anything about her then then she will accept with good grace.
This isn't a wedding where plus ones are the done thing. Your DD deserves to have the people she wants there for her on this special day. I hope she gets it sorted and has no regrets about staying silent.

harriethoyle · 05/07/2022 08:46

Put your big girl pants on and suck it up. Don't create unnecessary drama.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 08:51

This kind of thing is exactly why "treat them as your own" isn't a particularly healthy IMO. that is a very good point and I hadn't thought of that tbh. As a stepmum I've always felt uneasy about that approach but this is a good example of how it doesn't always help practically.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/07/2022 08:59

As a sm this type of thing makes me leery. I would only go with the express wish of my DSD and I get on with mum. Even then leery.

Most sm I know wouldn't be any to go if they knew their DSD doesn't really want them there. That said there's theres three sides to this story and it maybe your daughter knows you don't like sm and maybe saying what you want to hear.
I can certainly tell you don't particularly care for sm (no judgement different folks different strokes) but if we can pick this up from your post I can imagine it being more visible at home. Your DSD would have picked this up also.

Worth baring in mind.

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 09:01

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I too am wondering if DD is being 100% truthful about her feelings. We don't know her of course and aren't there. But yes, I'd mindful that you may not be getting the full extent of their relationship OP.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/07/2022 09:08

@SmileyPiuPiu I had this with my sister (half sister for reference) she would often talk about sensing her mums disapproval and wanting a easy life saying things to keep her happy. Desperately trying to keep everyone happy and failing miserably each time.

She had to hide that me and her were close because her mum would make comments. Fairly miserable existence for her that didn't really get much better as she got older (although she got more outspoken so it helped)

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