Graduation

[Crikeyallmightly]

tonight my daughter told me that her sm is coming to her graduation as she feels she can’t say no to her dad . She did say that she would of preferred her aunt to come as she had more to do with her upbringing than someone married to her dad for 3 years . I am now dreading dinner , breakfast and graduation with someone I meet once and didn’t really like . Aibu ?

Because you are his parents. You have raised him together albeit separately.

But it in a box for when you've died then looked back fondly and remember how you both were so proud of him.

If he was invited to the graduation your son obviously thought something of him.

@Crikeyallmightly I could have been that stepmother but I told my H in no uncertain terms that he must go with his ex wife to their child's graduation. It wasn't my place. It's easy for people to say "suck these things up" but unless they have been in your shoes then it is irrelevant. The same has happened with recent 18th and 21st - it's not my place sitting there with their mother.

@Andifin putting it diplomatically you wouldn't need to do anything with any photo. The photo wasn't for you.

It's not about what you want or don't want. It's would have been about your child. I'm not knocking you I have been there, I get it (I can also see you going, you don't know half of it) but this is just imo and before you think oh her ex can't have been that bad mine was shagging around when I was pregnant with my second child, having lost my son prior. It was so hard but as I said I rather like DD sm and truth be told there's no reason for me to put my child in a loyalty bind that ultimately would have caused her unnecessary pain.

I had to do this. I wasn't happy about SM being there. She only appeared during his teenage years and was the reason for the marriage ending. Personally I think she should have made an excuse not to go but she did go and my anxiety was sky high beforehand. However, it was OK and not as bad as I feared. I just had to be brave for my child and put on a smiley face.

I was thinking something along those lines…what if, due to loyalty binds, your DD is just telling you she doesn’t want SM there or live her because she knows that’s what you want to hear…?

No and not just about the OW - that just made it even more awkward.

DS only had limited tickets for the event. He was cross that in his words ‘dad invited himself, I don’t know why - he’s never been interested in me going to uni, hasn’t ever supported me and thinks I’m wasting my life’. This isn’t a secret, ExDH has always made it clear that he does not value education. Persuaded another DC not to go to uni at all ‘waste of time and money’.

He left his dad to contact the uni for more tickets as he didn’t want to be part of the arrangements.
DS feels that his dad and OW have never supported him, don’t value his choices and was cross that in his eyes, they was only there for the glory, not the hard slog of the previous years’. They haven’t visited him in the 4 years he was there, not ever picked him up or taken him back, not met his friends.

This is an educated and principled young man we are talking about. He has his own opinions formed over his experiences.

As hard as this is for you IMO. It's one of those times where you have to love your child more than your dislike of spending a few hours w someone you dislike.

Sorry I don't get it. Assuming she wasn't the OW, what's the issue? Your ex has a wife ... big deal.... you haven't mentioned any actions on her part that suggests she is any kind of actual problem...

you're not analysing every other guest there?

I'm not sure you can trust what your DD says about wanting/not wanting her there, as you clearly have such negative feelings and discomfort about her, she may well consciously or unconsciously be trying to reassure you.... and the majority of your post is not about the aunt's disappointment or your daughter's feelings, it's about your sense of discomfort.

Try to focus on your daughter - it's her event. I suspect her worrying about your feelings about her SM will spoil her day way more than having her SM there. (Sounds like she has been putting off telling you?)

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I say this from the point of view of being a divorced mum, whose Ex left me for a twenty three year old - 17 years his junior- who is now the mother of his second child. My daughter has no clue about my feelings or what happened. Every birthday I have them over to the house. I celebrate every cute picture and video of my DD's new sister (we don't use the phrase half sister). And all of them are included in the end if year photo book I make for my daughter every year,

Is it tough? Yes. But my daughter's sense of harmony is what matters. Her ability to welcome new people into her life without guilt or worrying about my feelings...

I hope you can just go with the flow and focus on the joy of your daughter's graduation.... that is the best way your Dd will enjoy it too! All you are being asked to do is be in the same space as someone who hasn't, as far as I can tell, done anything awful to you or your daughter?

Much better to have a SM who cares and bothers, I'd say.

I agree with you that these women should think twice about appearing at these events especially when she was the OW. Regardless of what people say - oh it will be OK, suck it up, it's only for a few hours , we will support you etc UNLESS they have been in this position they have no idea. I have had this recently with a child's wedding and the OW/ now wife came to the wedding. It DID spoil the wedding for me but worse than that is I have gone into a slump afterwards as it has obviously stirred up so many memories and thoughts I thought were in the past. I will bounce back of course. The lead up to the wedding was stressful too and tbh I am glad it is all over which is a sad thing to say about your child's wedding. I am now a stepmum and was not an OW but I still limit my attendance to similar family events out of respect for their mother. Some women have no shame.

In the OP's case the SM has been on the scene for 3 years - only 3 years. She has had no financial or other input into the daughter's life. It's always the mother who is told to be kind and to subjugate her feelings etc - how about some of these women saying you know what this really isn't my place !

Thanks @Speshulname Exactly that!

If they've been invited they are perfectly allowed to go. If the person inviting doesn't want them there they need to not invite them. All they are doing is existing and doing what they think the invitee wants.

Why should the stepmum but mums feelings over the DSC's? The day is about the DSC

@SkeletonFight hold on. Whenever a SM comes on here saying that they can't keep doing school run or providing free childcare people scream at her saying that she has to put up and shut up.

When a SC is trashing the house - close the door to the mess and shut up and don't say anything. When they are being treated poorly by everyone in the family, put up and shut up and the step kids first.

Then somehow when mum has to put up with a inconvenient feelings then suddenly the outrage is a disgrace when she should be putting her child first.

Come on. If op has said she's the OW I would get it to a degree (and My Dd sm was the other women) but if the children come from a split home and SM is just existing maybe peoples rage shouldn't put their anger on another women for existing on the people who caused the split home home.

But yes the audacity on some people.

If op has said she's the OW I would get it to a degree I wouldn't. It's the Dad's r

Oops sorry. Posted too soon. Fat fingers! I wouldn't, it's dad's responsibility to look after his child even if there's an "OW" involved.

This thread has really annoyed me by the amount of people who think step mum has anything to do with the situation just becuase she is married to dad. (I know that's not what you said @pitchforksandflamethrowers) it's just me ranting generally because I'm a step mum and I am so so fed up with societies expectations of me that are so far removed from my reality which is actually very happy.

Sorry but I don't agree - it's three years and the woman has had nothing to do with rearing her. You obviously don't know the pressure that can be put on people with invites.

That's not the stepmums fault. She probably assumes she is genuinely invited.

To be fair I would get it to a degree that there would be feelings.

Having been there myself I can understand but if you see my previous posts. I rather like my dd sm and wouldn't mind her being there.

I would still land on the same answer though ow or not. The day isn't about mums feelings. It's about the child. Period.

I suppose so yes that does make sense I guess. In the same way Stepmums can have feelings about the ex.

@SkeletonFight SM has been married to Dad for three years - you have no idea how long she has been with him prior to marriage or what part she has played in DSD's life, or for how long. She is doing nothing wrong accepting an invitation which she may have no idea is anything other than sincerely meant.

The point remains - is she not kind enough to think "you know what this isn't my place?" or is she too stupid to realise she is wanted there ? Some wives are also determined to muscle in on any event. Also the husband should maybe say " I'm sorry but I feel this is an event that es wife will enjoy as parents of x" Tickets are so limited for these events too.

I'm also a stepmom and would only attend if there was a spare ticket. I'd fully appreciate there might be other people my stepkids might want over me and it wouldn't bother me a bit not too go.
Sounds like it might be her dad though - maybe her stepmom is doing it because he insists too.
As for you - grin and bare it.

@harriethoyle none of us do as OP did not say.