DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

People on here are fucking batshit crazy! Of course Yanbu to not want to dump two extra guests on your gran - it's her event, she gets to decide the guest list!

In every family there are people that are close family to some members but barely acquaintances to others - this is normal, it's not a flight on anyone.

For the posters trying to shame the gran for not getting to know these kids, stop being so moronic - the gps are under no moral obligation to get to know (or become close family to) kids they barely see and who aren't their own family - you'll be saying the gps should leave them equal inheritances to their actual grandchildren next! The only obligation extended families have is to be kind when in the company of said children.

OP, I think your husband should be consulting you about any arrangements he makes which are outside of your norm. That's basic consideration for you as his partner. It's him who you need to be talking to bollocking right now. Leave him at home to mind his own kids or tell him he has to tell his ex he clocked up and can't do it!

I’m not posh, but even I can see that taking pizza to a dinner party, and having two teens on their phones will change the dynamic!

OP, I think your husband should be consulting you about any arrangements he makes which are outside of your norm. That's basic consideration for you as his partner

Exactly this.

DH stays at home with teenagers. Annoying for you, but your priority definitely has to be not to stress your Grandma out.

And yes, let him know you're pissed off that he's let you down. Even apart from the fact your Grand

. Don't give me the "but he's taking care of his children as he should" BS. Their mother was taking care of them and now it doesn't suit her for whatever reason but nobody is saying she was wrong to ask or have potential plans which didn't include her children, so why is it all Big Bad Dad if he had the cheek to have things going on without them?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think your DH was being thoughtless. I'm not even a gran and find organising this kind of event stressful, and two additional children I'd never met suddenly being included would add to the anxiety. I'd worry that they weren't enjoying themselves - which let's face it is highly likely -or that they might feel awkward etc. It would make things less enjoyable. This is supposed to be a celebration of your grandparents' years together with people who mean something to them and who will share in their happiness. It's not a largescale gathering where anyone extra would not be out of place. Also I think it would be harder for you to relax as you're also likely to be concerned about whether your SC are okay, and that means you're likely to feel uncomfortable about staying too long.

I'd leave your husband at home and take your child and enjoy yourself. Your SC will get some quality time alone with their dad, and will probably be relieved not to have to go. If it helps, I was a stepchild who always got included in my step-parent's family stuff, absolutely hated it, just remember being intensely bored having to make small talk with adults I didn't really know and wasn't really interested in, and desperately wanting to get home to do my own stuff. Had my grandparents, uncles, aunts and then all the ones for two sets of step-parents, envied friends who just had one or two lots of relatives to deal with.

These children should be important to you. If they aren’t welcome then you shouldn’t go either.

OP shouldn’t have to miss her Grandparent’s anniversary out of principle because her stepchildren aren’t welcome. She’s known her grandparents her whole life and they might be very special to her.
If anything has to happen, her DH should be stay at home. OP doesn’t owe it to her stepchildren to miss her Grandparent’s special day.

Since you mentioned that your dsc arent close to your family, wouldnt this b a great opportunity for them to know each other? My feeling is just that you dont want them to b there…..
food-wise, find out what she will be cooking for, go buy the ingredients yourself and bring it earlier, i don't see how hard it is to cook more for two teens.
its all about if you wanna making efforts or not.
and life is not a production line, you cant schedule everything and not being flexible. What if his ex has had an accident ? Would you also b mad if your husband needs to get his kids?

What a great post! I so agree with you!

This with bells on.

Yes. Absolutely. He should stay at home. That was one of the options outlined in the OP.

But the horrific anti-SM shite coming out on this thread is remarkable. Even by MN standards.

i am always amazed at how the posters most aghast about how awful it is for SC are usually those who seem utterly unable to think about the simple fact that the SC may not even want or need to see their SM and her family as ‘their family’.

Indeed that the things everyone does to put the SC first and consider their needs often mean that SM’s shunt their own families or lives to the side and fit them into the time that isn’t about the SC. This is the opposite of excluding the SC.

Yet there is nothing a SM can do right.

They are his children, they trump any plans you have, what part of this do you not get?

No. They don't

if I was him, there would be a major fight if you tried to take any of one of my children with you & not the others
I think you have just won the award for the most incredible comment of the thread 👏
If I was OP and he tried to stop me taking my child to a pre arranged meal with their great grand parents and grandparents on account of his exs last minute plans, it wouldn't be a major fight, it would be a major divorce.
No marriage can sustain that level of contempt.

Surely this is just a subtle difference between your families. In my family this wouldn't be an issue anyone would be happy to have extra guests at the last minute and cater for them, they'd just bung on more pasta, potatoes, rice and veg.

Clearly this isn't the done thing in your family, if it was the other way around perhaps his family would be happy to have your son join them no matter what.

You are not unreasonable to have expected your partner to check that it would be OK to invite 2 more guests to an event being hosted by someone else at the last minute before agreeing to have them. However it's too late now, presumably his ex has now firmed up plans once he said yes and it's not her fault he double booked himself.

The options are you take them or he stays home with them. You've said numerous times you are not happy to impose on your Gran by bringing them so he will have to stay home.

Her behaviour? Really? Your logic is quite frankly astounding. There are a lot of ridiculous comments on this thread but the ⭐ goes to you for being the most unbelievably stupid!!

He still should have asked her as their not her children.

They are his children, they trump any plans you have, what part of this do you not get?
You really don't know how a blended family works do you OP, you are the sort that give step mothers a bad name.

In an emergency, yes I would agree with you.
But there is no excuses for him blindly agreeing to help his ex in non emergencies, and I’m afraid that when he has plans then those plans do trump last minute arrangements to have his children.

She wasn't wrong to ask, OP has said they sometimes do the same. He could have said no, but he didn't so now it's his issue.

Well this is the step parent board, we should all know by now that the DSC and the owner of the golden uterus should absolutely take priority over everything and everyone else in the family (including the SM extended family) regardless of what they have planned.

They are his children, they trump any plans you have, what part of this do you not get

This is so wrong headed I can’t even compute

People love to dive on step parents... you are not these kids mother they HAVE a mother, its entirely different to raising a child as your own.

I have a stepfather who raised me as my full time father, I knew his family well (better than half my bio family).

I have had stepmothers (4 in my life time, my bio father gets board after about 5 years with a women) who are NOT my mam, they are my bio fathers partners. I actually got on well with all except one of them but they where like an aunt or something, they would never compare to being an actual parent. I didnt know ANY of the families.

There are different types of step parents, some are basically adoptive parent who raise a child as their own full time and others are litrally just the boyfriend/girlfriend of a parent who gets the odd visitation... the two are not the same or comparable and OP is not these kids 'new mam' (and it would be massively overstepping to try and be so on the flip side this is overstepping too).

They are his children, they trump any plans you have, what part of this do you not get?

Interesting how they don't "trump any plan" their mother has, isn't it. 🤔

@Gathering1

YANBU husband needs to stay home with them. It's unfair to the host to add to extra guests at short notice.

I think you posted this in the wrong topic area though. Not so much a step children problem but forgetful husband problem. Others seem to be missing that key point. Don't waste your time replying to all of them.

I think it would be an imposition on Gran to ask her to cater for extra guests.
Her granddaughter's step-children are not "close family" - even by MN standards.

DH should either tell his ex he can't have them off-rota, or stay at home with them. If he's forgotten the occasion he's hardly "close family" himself.

I doubt that the kids would want to spend time with a lot of wrinklies anyway.