DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Interesting how they don't "trump any plan" their mother has, isn't it. 🤔

A very good point.

I honestly cannot believe anyone is suggesting that bringing food for the kids, or extra ingredients, or feeding them before they go and then they play on their phones, is a remotely sensible option. If they’re going, the grandmother is going to feel obliged to feed them. Even if the OP takes “extra ingredients”, that doesn’t avoid potential inconvenience like where to sit them (my extended table can seat 10 but not 12), or when these ingredients would turn up given OP is probably not going till the evening and the gran is probably preparing in the day.

its so rude to put a host in a position of saying “can we bring people to a dinner party and they eat pizza, or sit on their phones” or whatever. The gran has worked hard on this meal and is stressed about it going well - bringing 2 extra people is rude and will pile pressure on the gran, who will probably feel like shit if she refuses to feed them or seat them.

of course the step kids should not be excluded if an event is being planned when they’re around, but this was planned ages ago and adding 2 extras like this is just plain dickish behaviour.

If your gram was stressed about food before the possibility of extra people, shouldn't you and your mum or whoever else is going be offering to take it out of her hands. Hardly fair on her going through the stress if it's a dinner to celebrate her. I'd be doing whatever I could to make sure she's not stressed. And would always make sure there's more food than needed anyway, so 2 extra people wouldn't make much of a difference.

Sounds to me like you had a certain evening planned, and pictured in your head and now it looks different as there's two people there who weren't in what you imagined. But to be honest, I understand to an extent that's it's annoying having to ask if more ppl could come, but it's not like they're strangers. They're your step children. Your sons siblings. Weird to me that anyone would be annoyed at their presence after 5 years.

What would you like from this thread OP? I don’t think you want ideas or solutions. What would be useful?

He can arrange a sitter for them. Not fair to impose extra guests on an already stressed elderly person. Or he stays home with them.

So much frothing from the usual step mother haters. Hilarious. Making it up as they go along.

Sad little lives.

He rearranges so that they don't come over that night, or he stays home with them. It's not what you wanted, but it seems to be the only real option that doesn't put a strain on the host. Maybe next time he'll think before accepting a change in plans at the last minute without consulting with you.

You're really over egging this OP. From what you've said re your Gran's stress over not having enough food as it is, your husband not going will alleviate that. Let him do something with his kids and say there was a change of plan. How upset will they be to not see your husband? You and your child will there, who really constitute close family. Seems like drama over nothing

I think what's confusing me is that for cooking for ten I wouldn't be risking anything that was individual portion based so chicken breast or something that wouldn't "stretch" - I'd be doing roast beef, or a pulled pork, or a gammon or a massive pasta dish. And for that many I would inevitably over estimate because you don't want anyone going hungry. So it would just be a case of e.g. Slicing the beef a little thinner and shoving more roasties in the oven, or adding a thinly sliced and slowly caramelised onion or two into the pulled pork, or bulking out the massive pasta dish. I'd probably hope the person bringing extras brought an extra pudding maybe just so there was plenty but that's it really.

Do you know what your granny is cooking? I really think that makes a massive difference honestly, along with whether she was already going to be barely able to fit anyone in.

I think the point about her feeling guilty if you husband and step kids don't turn up is a good one - you might be in a no ideal options situation.

YANBU. Common sense (and good manners) generally go out the window when step children are involved.

Or whatever… you must be the type too who would exclude the partner’s children but bring your own to the family gathering because “there won’t he enough food”.

Clearly a DH problem.
Either tell your DH to refuse to have his kids as it's not convenient or DH can stay home with them, whichever you prefer.

It’s unfair to take two extra, uninvited, guests last minute to someone else’s event. You’re not unreasonable, OP.

Your husband needs to sort it out.

There is absolutely no way I would take it upon myself to invite my sons along to a meal my husband’s elderly Nan was making to celebrate her anniversary (she has met my middle son once and never met my eldest). No way. Even if the SC (her great grandchildren) were invited.

It’s astoundingly rude. If it were an emergency, I’d bow out and stay with my sons. But I wouldn’t agree to a non-emergency change of contact with little notice and then insist on just imposing my kids on her. Or forcing my kids to go along and feel like spare parts (inevitable no matter how nice or polite everyone is).

I’d expect my husband and MIL to be angry if I even tried it. it’s just rude and inconsiderate of everyone.

OTOH, I would bet that my utterly selfish H would do this and then play the innocent martyr. Because being selfish and inconsiderate and hiding behind ‘but they’re my children’ is something he excels at.

I doubt many women would decide to just invite their kids along to these kinds of things. Nor would they villainise anyone who thought they were totally inconsiderate and rude.

They are his children, they trump any plans you have, what part of this do you not get?

They are also their mother's children, and it is her weekend, so why does she get a free pass on the 'they trump any plans' shit? In that case she should be staying home with them and this shouldn't be an issue at all

Ive read most of the thread but still cant work out why they cant stay at home and have pizza and films until you get back?

My ex has been with his gf for 10 years and our kids have never met her parents never mind her grandparents. It's a long story but the kids are fine with this.

I understand why your gran may be flustered by 2 extra guests eg she may only have 10 chairs and why bringing pizza is a simplistic answer- it's going to spoil the night if the other children fancy pizza instead of what she prepared.

I understand why your h said yes to having his kids but the idea to take them is simplistic and shows how he has no idea about entertaining guests. He may think it's fine if his 2 sit in the living room while everybody else is in the kitchen but many people will find it awkward.

I wonder if ex knows that the kids would be going to an event that they'd find boring ? (I'm not saying that the event will be boring, just that teenagers who don't know the guests are likely to find it boring)

Is he staying at home with the kids? Pretty shocking that a 14 year old can't cope at home alone.

Apparently the kids are never left alone at home and would fight if left without an adult.

Or their mother (you know the one that has made plans during her weekend) could arrange a babysitter

My brother has 2DSC. My family make a huge effort to make them feel wanted and welcome in every event. I can't imagine my grandma being anything other that accommodating to them if this situation occurred.

OP says they don't get along well, aren't used to staying on their own, and it's a bit of a distance away.

Ahh but it's different rules for the mum, of course, isn't it. 🙄🙄🙄

I can’t believe there are women on here so hypnotised by the mighty dick, that they DEFEND a man’s right to impose 2 extra, last minute guests on an elderly woman catering a dinner, without even asking her.

They're never going to get to know your step kids if they don't get invited to things like this?

I don't understand why people marry someone with children from a previous relationship and then behave like this. Poor kids

I think YANBU. If they weren't meant to be with you and your DH has agreed to have them as extra for his ex knowing you had plans already.

I wouldn't do this with my DsC either and also wouldn't expect my DC to be able to come along without prior knowledge to DP family either. Both families know each set of kids, but ultimately they aren't eachothers family.

They treat them the same for birthdays Xmas etc. but I don't think it does anyone any favours to have additional family forced on them they aren't really interested in (I'm talking about the kids here).

My DSC like my mum, they get on with her and could spend time with her, but my DC LOVE my mum and the situation is very different. Same for my DSC with their grandparents etc.

I think your DH is BU by agreeing to have them when you also have plans, he should have said no and ex should find alternate care.