DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

DH should be saying that he already accepted an invitation for that evening so he can't have them.
Doesn't matter if people think they should or shouldn't have been invited, theye weren't and it's not OK to just turn up with extra guests, especially if they are teenagers who don't want to be there, it will change the dynamic of the anniversary party to have uninvited guests who don't even know your grandparents.
Had DH forgotten, or is he more worried about upsetting his ex than you?

I cannot believe what I am reading. Are your husband’s children not your close family to be included in family events. I am sure you can bring more food so it is enough for everyone. I woulf hate to have a stepmother like you and if I was a husband, I would be very put off by your behaviour to the point that I would consider the future of the relationship.

OP you are a stepmother and on MN you can do no right .
I know that had I announced I was bringing two extra people to a meal my DM was cooking , she would be stressed out beyond belief . I have DSC who are lovely but I still wouldn’t just turn up with them or put pressure on my DM to invite them.
your DH will have to stay at home with them .
And whoever invented the term blended family should be forced to sit in an iced bath for 24 hours .

Dont take a pizza to someones dinner party.

I vote that since dh mucked up, he stays at home with his older dc.
Poor Gran, already worrying that she hasn't enough food. She wanted to host an intimate family meal. Not host strangers. You can't just expect her to magic up 2 more dinners, 2 more seats at the table. All her portions and seating arrangements will be thrown. An anniversary dinner is not the time or place for introductions.
Have you told dh yet op?

No. That's not fair on my gran who has planned this dinner with us including our child.

Petty.

So DH stays at home, but OP doesn't want that

It's definitely DH's fault, he should have said no, but he didn't so it has to be one of the numerous solutions presented.

Maybe I'm from a different background
You very clearly are if you think the whims of the ex wife of the husband of a granddaughter of an elderly lady who wants to cook a meal for her family to celebrate her anniversary are more important than the elderly lady herself and her feelings on the matter.

That’s why I was wondering the reason he needed to have them so last minute. There could be a perfectly reasonable reason but it hasn’t been stated.

As a MiL, I'd actually be really upset if you assumed I couldn't fit the extra DC in without checking with me.

Who'd be a step-child - I always feel sorry for them on here and rather hope that many of these tales are just that, to get a rise from posters.

In the main, they're not really wanted by the other adult, whichever house they're in.

My grandchildren are 13 & 16 now, parents separated about 3 years ago - I'd hate to think they'd be resented and barely tolerated merely for existing.

I'm not addressing the OP here, just thinking aloud.

“Gran, I’m SO sorry, but DH can’t come tomorrow. Something has come up last minute with DSC and, obviously, he needs to be there for them. He’s gutted to be missing it. DC and I are really looking forward to it.”

If it's so terribly stressful, she shouldn't be cooking at all then. There's just slightly less food leftover, again, people don't usually cook tiny portions so they have to scrape the pot.I don't buy it, but I don't really care enough to argue. Just op has an excuse for every solution, I'm not convinced by it... sounds like they're just not that welcome.

You take them with you of course and take extra food with you, that he has purchased. Or failing that, you go on your own.

Because when you have children who your children should always come first.
I'm glad he's a good parent. Sad that you're not such a great stepparent, who basically doesn't enjoy these teens ha (as you keep writing) being around and see them as not a part of your household nor to be included with your own family.
Plans change. This happens. Ask your gran if she doesn't mind them coming as well, as you are a family unit. If she doesn't want them to, then your oh won't be coming will he and then there will be enough food to go around.
Equally, if the teens don't wish to go, and it's only an hour away, you all go, leave then home for a couple of hours and return early for them.

OP, did your husband say what her plans were or why she needed him to have them this weekend?

Mumsnet is insane about stepmothers. It is absolutely not bizarre that your gran doesn't know your tween / teen stepkids that well.

My stepdaughters have never met my parents, despite us being married for a few years now. Not because my family doesn't want to meet them, they'd love to.

But because two teenage girls have ZERO interest in meeting random extra adults. They've been invited several times, and it will happen at some stage hopefully, but I'm certainly not going to force them.

Frankly, their time with their dad is just that, and they're just not keen on a four hour drive to meet my family rather than doing fun things with us at home.

(Also because their mother has issued a blanket ban on them meeting my family. Although we would ignore that if they wanted to come).

If I'd been in their lives since they were young, it would have happened. But they were old enough to have better things to do.

They are absolutely my close family, and I love them dearly. But they aren't close to my family.

Now - on the invite. Largely my parents have an open door policy and they'd always be welcome (even last minute).

HOWEVER, if my elderly gran was hosting a small celebration AND cooking, there is absolutely no way I'd be bringing two teenagers with no notice. Not least because teens are bottomless food pits.

So, I agree with you. Either he can't have them or he stays home with them.

I'd hate to think they'd be resented and barely tolerated merely for existing
That's such a massive leap as to be utterly irrelevant to this thread.
Maybe you could start another one to "think aloud" on?

my sisters all have step children (older now) and they come to family events.

i mean they’re my step nieces and nephews so I treat them like family 🤷‍♀️ And all of my family know them very well.

Speaking from experience with going round for Sunday dinner to dps nanas house, if two more were to come, she'd want to be a good host and put it upon herself to find the extra seating (the table was full and excess family were in the sofas, two more wouldn't actually be able to sit down anywhere) She'd want to make sure everyone would get equal fuss which would be exhausting at her age. If there was seating and I last minute added two extra guests, it'd seem rude that I'd brought a pizza for them...

OP, your dp should have talked to you about it beforehand, not asked permission before someone twists it, it's just a given thing imo to speak to your partner about things. You've clearly said you'd have them coming if it was your weekend with them and nana would have had notice for them. I vote YNBU. I don't get all the SM haters. You could put decent time and effort into them every weekend you have them as far as anyone knows.

Quite a depressing thread TBH. OP you are entitled to be a little bit put out about the changes at short notice in schedules, but hey shot happens. The fact after five years as a step mother your family do not know these kids is odd and from your subsequent posts it is clear you do not like them very much or really regard them as part of your family. Your choice of language such as "close family" and "our child" and "the step children" demonstrates this. I think you need to consider the wellbeing of your step children as a priority. The DSC are still quite small- 11 is not a teenager.

Seems simple enough doesn't it?

It seems odd to me that he would just have assumed that he could take the kids along when they barely know Op's parents/Gps.

Or that his kids would want to go.

Couldn't have said it better myself!
He's an arse and he should have said no.