DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Your dh can stay at home
That’s the best solution

YANBU in the slightest.

He changed the plans, it's not down to your elderly gran to accommodate his sudden change of said plans.

If you want a completely unbiased response to your question ask people IRL. Mumsnet is the most anti step parent forum I've ever come across.

I could call either of my grans (when they were alive), my mum, MIL, even my sister's MIL with 24 hrs notice and "invite" 2 extra for dinner, no matter who they are. I'd offer to help/bring something. They'd be pleased. It does seem like you're "protecting" gran because you don't want them there.

I’m curious as to what the reason is that your dh needed to have his dc on the weekend you had made plans.
Also can your dh not just stay home with his older dc and you take your younger one to the meal. It might be nice for him to spend some one on one time with them and that way your grab won’t be stressed and you and your little one still get to see family?

This is an infuriating read. OP you have a DH problem. He has agreed to have his kids during a time when you'd already sorted plans. Now it falls for you and or Gran to fix it. It's disruptive and it's disrespectful. He agreed to go to this meal presumably so should have either said no to his ex or asked you FIRST if they could come. HE is the one not making this blended family work. You need a chat with him and a shared family calendar.

It's not just a question of food. If someone unexpectedly brought two more people to a sit down meal, I'd not have a big enough table or enough chairs.

There's only two choices:

DH stays at home with his DC
DH phones ex and tells her he's made a big mistake and can't have the DC this particular day.

This isn't your fault Op and I don't know why your getting all this earache about not wanting to bring your DSC. The problem here is your DP who just allows his Ex to palm his DC onto you with little warning and then thinks they must be included in everything. I'm sorry but your family don't have to automatically include your DP's DC in a family celebration- this is your family not his and they are allowed to have as much, or as little, ontact with your Dp's DC as they like.

Of course you're not unreasonable, it's a ridiculous idea bringing anyone extra along to a meal an elderly person has already prepped and shopped for.

YABVU - they are part of your family as they are his kids! If you're worried about there not being enough food, take a meal deal with you for the kids and let your gran know it was a last minute decision and you didn't want to put on her so picked them up a meal each on the way. Problem solved.

No one has said gran "should" accommodate. If that's not possible/desirable DH will have to stay with DC, but OP doesn't want that either.

I think your example is totally different because they're adults.

I do think children should be treated the same and is a big thing to consider when you marry someone who has kids.

I personally would not treat step children any different, nor would I leave them out of events. if I was discussing said relative I would say "Dave and Alison's kids" not "Alison and Dave's child and Dave's kids" I dont think it's right to make step children feel like second class citizens.

that's just me though, even if you dont privately consider them close relatives I would never make it apparent.

I do actually think it's weird that they dont really know OPs family, I know all of my step dads close relatives.

As others have said he just stays home with his kids and remind him to check with you before agreeing stuff with his ex that involves having the dsc unexpectedly.

The level of entitlement, rudeness and thoughtlessness being defended and encouraged in this thread is truly astonishing.

1. It is rude to even ask an already stressed out elderly woman to accommodate two older kids she barely knows at the last minute. In fact, given what OP has said, it's actually rather manipulative.
2. Pre existing plans with his wife should absolutely come ahead of last minute requests from his ex (emergencies obviously excepted) if he wants to stay married.
3. Don't give me the "but he's taking care of his children as he should" BS. Their mother was taking care of them and now it doesn't suit her for whatever reason but nobody is saying she was wrong to ask or have potential plans which didn't include her children, so why is it all Big Bad Dad if he had the cheek to have things going on without them?

It is what it is. Take them with you, bring a lot of extra food! You are lucky to have problems like this xx

But the children weren't meant to be with OP this weekend, so they actually were NOT excluded. OP has said time and again in this thread that had it been their weekend to have them, they would have been included bec she would have told her grandparents ahead of time.

What's being asked now is that the children be included on extremely short notice, to an event that is not under OP's control and for which the hosts will become stressed over the change. The children's mother's new plans are trumping OP's long-arranged plans. That is what is unfair.

I get that people like to villify stepparents here, but this is ridiculous. So unless OP bends over for every single thing in her step kids' lives, she's evil. She has every right to want to keep to her original plans. If DP can't say no to the ex over her last-minute plans, why does OP have to be the one to acquiesce? This is a family event that had been planned longer than what the ex wants to do (unless it's some kind of emergency, but it doesn't sound like that here).

OP, think about this another way.

Imagine your DH stays home with your kids. And you go to grans with your youngest.

What are you going to tell your gran?

Are you going to tell her DH stayed home as he's looking after the SC?

If your gran is anything like my darling nan, she'll be horrified that you didn't call to see if the kids could come with you all.
She'd feel embarrassed that you'd rather leave them at home rather than phone to check if 2 extra seats at the table would be possible.
She'd be nagging me all night to call DH to bring the children up.
She'd be pre-occupied with the missing DH and SC rather than enjoying the meal with the rest of her family.

A call would prevent all of that angst. It might throw her into a bit more stress, but wouldn't she feel delighted that you consider your SC as part of her family?

These children should be important to you. If they aren’t welcome then you shouldn’t go either.

OP shouldn't go to her grandparents anniversary party? Are you serious?

The gran doesn't know about this problem, and I'm with OP in saying that she shouldn't be told when she's already stressed about the food. So it's not that they're not welcome, it's that they're not expected and it's easy to late to bring two uninvited people along to someone else's party.

Saying that the answer to her partner and his ex causing this problem, is for OP not to go to her own grandparents' celebration is just ridiculous.

Yabu, my dm includes Dp's kids automatically who are adults and she's only known for 2 years. If your gran isn't including them what's the problem? Are you not bringing them along to family things?

Pretty easy to bring two teens, let them know it’s a sit down meal you need to go to. Ask would they like to be at the table for the dinner or would they feel more comfortable (since it’s people they don’t know so well) hanging in the living room and having a food of their choice ordered, like pizza.

I’m certain they would choose the latter, job done.

What utter twoddle. No. They're not. They're her husbands children. They have an alive and seemingly functioning mother who is the other half of their family.

Their Dad screwed up.

Why marry someone with kids and then be so hostile towards them?!

low on food ….bring some extra food, snacks etc.it will be fine.

seems like u resent ur husbands kids.

Completely agree with this. An hour away or not.

Sounds like a cliquey set up to me!

1. It is rude to even ask an already stressed out elderly woman to accommodate two older kids she barely knows at the last minute. In fact, given what OP has said, it's actually rather manipulative.

If it's such a bother, She wouldn't be doing it at all. It's pretty rude to let a struggling older woman cook for guests as a bunch of adults sit around and eat it- in that case. @Youseethethingis1. I bet the grandma wouldn't be that fussed if OP offered to feed beforehand.

Maybe I'm from a different background but it's two people. Presumably meals aren't cooked to order, it just means slightly fewer leftovers, gosh.

its amazing how the OP’s elderly grandmother’s feelings are dismissed here because it’s a chance to pretend the SC are being ostracised. 🙄

Literally everyone’s perspective gets cast aside to ensure that it’s a Cinderella tale on MN.

The OP and her mother know her grandmother. It’s not unusual for an elderly lady to be ridiculously anxious about things like this. Adding in extra guests, and ones she doesn’t know, will be stressful for her.

But let’s all congratulate a man for not considering anyone’s feelings (including his kids) but his own. And add on how wonderful he is for putting the ex wife first too.

Would you want to be invited along to a small party for your stepsibling’s great grandparents who you don’t even know? At 11 and 14? I doubt it. Would you prefer your SM to do her family stuff when it doesn’t affect you? Probably. It’s likely you’d rather just do stuff with your extended family or dad, isn’t it?

I have never met any of my SM’s extended family. They’re mostly dead now. It’s never even occurred to me that I should have. I suspect I’d have resented being dragged along to see her Gran as a teenager though, rather than spending my weekend with my dad doing stuff I’d rather do (hanging out with my cousins, for example).

For similar reasons, I’ve never had much to do with my SD’s family. He’s very close to them. But he never tried to force them on me or my sister. Not to exclude us but because he recognised that wasn’t the right thing to do. He put our needs and experiences first.

Basically the OPs DH is prioritising his ex wife, over the OPs gran. Unless it’s an emergency this seems arse over tit to me.