DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Apologies, I just reread the bit where you said you had spoken to her (it was hard to keep up with 30+ pages!!)
hope you enjoy your event

Bring more food & the step kids - after all they are part of your family now

I can't believe the hammering you are taking on here, Gathering1 especially from posters willfully misunderstanding your dilemma. I get it. The stepchildren ARE part of your close family but it was just too late in the day to tell your grandmother that you were bringing them to her anniversary dinner. She probably would have enough for two extra uninvited guests, but why panic and worry her? Ignore the pious holier-than-thou on here who are taking a great delight in beating you up.

This thread just proves people are shaped by their own experiences.
My DH was the step child who got a shock when his "new DGPs" disappeared when his half sibling father split from his mother.
He therefore doesn't need, want or expect me and my family to treat DSD exactly like she was my daughter. She's not my daughter. She is very much a part of the family, and they enjoy each others company when paths cross, but nobody is pretending anything. She's got some family the same as DS, some family different. It's all fine, she's is not second class or excluded.

I suspect the event has already happened by now, but FFS the anti stepmother brigade have been out in force.

In whose world is it OK to TELL an elderly woman (I assume she's elderly as she's the adult OP's grandmother) that she HAS to have two people she isn't related to and doesn't even know at a significant gathering for her own family?

And why doesn't she know them? Because when the DH has his children, OP and he prioritise them seeing him and his parents/aunts/uncles/cousins - y'know, their blood family. Imagine it, female OP doesn't have her DCs full time. She posts that when she has them she wants them to spend the time with her and her/their family, but DH insists that instead she has to take them along to his parents/aunts/uncles/cousins, to whom they are not related. She'd be told she had a controlling DH and a DH problem before you could say Mumsnet.

OP I hope you managed to resolve this.

I think you can't read. She didn't state they weren't close family:That her grandmother (her DSD step grandmother) didn't class them as close family.

She's repeatedly stated this more clearly and people repeatedly keep ignoring it.

If a post can trigger you so much then I really will advise you get some counselling. There are clearly issues you haven't dealt with tbh.

It's nothing to do with 'PC@, don't be silly.

If they consider your DH to be family - I'm assuming they do - then surely so are his children?

And I don't see why they haven't seen much of them. You certainly haven't promoted any sort of relationship.
Don't you invite family over when the children are with you?

Eh? That child would be a relative of the grandparents, step children have no links to the grandparents other than a tenuous link via the OP [confused

I get all that. And the DH was wrong to agree to have them without a) thinking and b) checking

I just don't understand why there is the distance between the OP's family and her stepchildren.

I think you should call your gran and ask her what she’s cooking and tell her your step kids are coming

Tell her??? Does the gran get no say in who she invites into her own home for her own special event?

Astounded at the number of people who think the stepchildren deserve more consideration than the elderly lady who wants to celebrate a significant occasion in her own home in a way that she chooses. But there has been an undercurrent of ageism on this thread, along with the SM bashing.

100% agree, and why should OP spend all evening worrying about her DH 2 kids from a previous relationship when she is visiting her grandmother on her birthday, which has been a longstanding event that her DH knew about - in reality the kids will be bored at those ages, they dont know her extended family and this occasion is not really the place to start. YANBU

Reusing to go to any of your DH's family stuff is so petty. I may have missed this but I don't see anywhere that your DH couldn't be bothered to go? More that his kids aren't allowed so he has no choice?

I also agree with everyone saying they should have been invited in the first place, even if it wasn't their weekend it's just common courtesy. They are your child's siblings and it doesn't look like you've made any effort to have them seen as part of your family unit. I have step children plus my own children so I understand why other people have been annoyed. You said yourself your DH may have forgotten then changed it to 'he's known about it for weeks' 'I'm not doing anything for/with his family anymore'.

I hope you don't intentionally try to cause problems with his half of the family because you're annoyed he agreed to have his children extra (after also saying you wouldn't have asked to swap weekends because it was their mums weekend when everyone else seems quite flexible).

Wow. If my partner treated my son, his step son, like this we
wouldn’t still be together. And if my sons step mum treated him like this he would no longer be going there to be honest.
this is quite horrible reading.

Absolutely. I mean..they are siblings after all and surely the ex would want them all to get on when they've grown up....

Why do people have such low opinions of their step children to think that they are bound to be dicks to their siblings just because some distant in laws of their dads didn't invite them to dinner?
What the fuck are you doing to these kids that they don't have a good relationship with their actual sibling?

Ahh it's a shame your gran didn't offer to invite your SC too. That doesn't sound very kind.

And your DH might have agreed to have his kids on the basis that there was a family lunch planned and they are family so there would be no issue with that. He will know not to make that assumption again.

As I've said, if my DH went alone to a family do because my child wasn't invited, not sure I'd get over that tbh.

So it's just fathers who can't pick and choose, then? Because Mum seems to be picking and choosing to her heart's content, doesn't she. She fancied a night out, so she asked their Dad to have them when it wasn't originally the plan for them to be at Dad's. Let me guess. Different rules for Mum? 🤔

Since he didn't consult with you, it's up to him to ask gran. IF she says "yes," then it's up to him to bring extra food to make up for everything they will eat.
If she says, "no," then he gets to stay home with step kids.

Don't back down on this one or he and ex will run all over you. You are NOT a doormat, and neither is your family.

Yanbu your DH can tell his ex he can't have them or he stays home with them.

Ha! I know! It's ridiculous isn't it!

Or you're entirely wrong, having your arse handed to you on a plate for your facile generalisations and, quite rightly, are skulking off...

The step kids gain nothing Oh, and by the way, re: this gem? I hope and believe that my DSD have gained from their relationship with me and I know they have gained from their relationship with their Mum's boyfriend. So you're wrong about that, too.

Or ex arranges alternative childcare for them, a family member on his side maybe? Someone the kids might actually want to see and not feel shy around.

As I've said, if my DH went alone to a family do because my child wasn't invited, not sure I'd get over that tbh

Why should your child be invited if it's a small event and the people barely know them? The world doesn't revolve around them.

I think you're on to a hiding to nothing here OP, fwiw I think you are right to be annoyed in this scenario although I judged differently from the title at first. I don't think you have a poor relationship with yourstep children and unfortunately the best solution does seem to be for your husband to stay at home. Frustrating but you're right the extra pressure and stress would not be good for your Gran.

If it was your stepchildren's mother's turn to have them, but she is now doing something, that is HER problem. Say you have already made arrangements that cannot be changed at short notice and she will have to have them, as it was her turn, or she will have to get a babysitter so she can do whatever she has selfishly arranged. If your husband/their father doesn't like it then he can stay home and look after them. It is not fair on your family. He should not have agreed to have them and if he had asked you first, you would have reminded him of your family celebration.