DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

This. They should have been included from the beginning. My DD and DSIL have one child each and one together. I wouldn't dream of not inviting DSGS to invite whether it was "our weekend" or not. He is my family.

I have had this situation a lot. Dh ex demands we have DSD at a moments notice regardless of our plans. She is now 17 and still we are expected to drop everything to babysit. But when we book family holidays, ex states we can't take DSD with us.
It isn't just the last minute notice that is wrong here, its the on demand babysitting for ex when she clicks her fingers.

They go with you.
He stays home with them.
You get a babysitter.
You just need to choose your preferred of the three options, and put it down to one of life's minor irritations.

Honestly....your post set off red flares for me. Your husband has children from his first marriage....they are part of his life...and his blood. You have been around and been there for quite a bit of their upbringing....and you dont class them as family?????? really????? you exclude his children from your family???? I feel sorry for him. I know if I were in a position to remarry and had children, my new husband would only become my new husband if he understood...my kids are part of me....and you only get me with the kids.... You must have a very understanding husband.

No. I have said multiple times on this thread that the husband was in the wrong. Of course he is.

You’ve missed my point entirely. It’s not that the mum is in the women must be in the wrong. It’s that people tell SMs to treat the kids like their own but that never includes any flexibility to decide they want to not have the SC involved. It’s ok for the mother to do that. But the SM is a cow.

absolutely no one is villifying the mother for planning a night out during her contact time. Yet the SM is awful for not jumping at the chance to have her and her grandparents’ plans changed for them.

Leave DH at home with them.
Presumably he shares custody and cannot pick and choose when he has them.

He totally can. Because it was their mum’s weekend to have them. She asked him to have them so she could go out.

I think you’re being totally reasonable and he had to stay home with them.

Definitely involve the step children, they are part of your family. Make an extra dish or go round early and help cook. Nothing will be gained by making a fuss over this.

It’s odd your husbands kids aren’t close family ? However if they are older teens and can stay at yours unaccompanied, then order them a pizza and leave then there. If they’re not old enough the order a pizza before you go and inform your gran they don’t need feeding . Lots of people would really value an extended family !

OK, all you exes out there. Next time your grandmother is celebrating her golden wedding anniversary - make sure she invite your children's half-siblings as well - give their Mum a break for a day. After all - they're your children's siblings, so your DGM has to invite them, doesn't she?

!!!!!

YABVU they are his kids. They are your step kids. They are part of your family and should be included in family events yours and his if they want to.

I do think it's a bit rude to ask if you can bring two teenagers at the last minute when it's an older person hosting. From what she's already said, it will definitely cause stress and that's not fair on a day she's been looking forward to. The fact that they're step children has nothing to do with it. I would think this if they were your own children.

Horrible attitude to your stepchildren.

Because it was their mum’s weekend to have them. She asked him to have them so she could go out

I never understand this "it's not my weekend thing". You're both still the kids' parents and you don't get to opt out when it's not "your weekend".

Anyway, they are old enough to stay at home. If the OP's DH isn't happy about that, he can stay behind.

The personal attacks on the OP are completely unwarranted.

This ^^
Whilst I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at extra people coming, for my elderly mother (let alone my grandmother) this would really fluster her, not least because there just isn’t the room for two more people.
OP already knows her grandmother is getting stressed and her dh’s assumptions are rude, ignorant and ill mannered, you don’t just assume you can turn up with extra uninvited guests.

If only you had read the thread you wouldn't have made such a fool of yourself.

Why don’t you just ring your gran and ask her?

one day when/if I’m a gran to kids...step/half...who cares..all kids...I’d want them all there in all their forms and I’d be really sad if I found out someone thought they couldn’t be invited.

It is very annoying that your DH agreed to have the kids when you already had plans, but it sounds like you are trying to make it more of a problem than it needs to be. Could you call your gran and explain that you unexpectedly need to have the DSCs, and perhaps offer to come over earlier to help her with the food or ask what she’s making and offer to bring an extra dish to compliment it etc?

You'd know the answer if only you'd bothered to read the thread.

Fifi0102
Setting aside the stepchildren. I'm sorry but who cares about attending their grandparents anniversary? Why is your GM cooking dinner for you all? Shouldn't they be doing something together just them?

eh? This is such a weird thing to say @Fifi0102 ? So if you ever have w birthday or a wedding or w baby you won’t be expecting anyone to celebrate with you? Because who cares about your life achievements? Of course people celebrate their grandparents big moments in life! Loads of people go to anniversary parties, Ruby, Silver, Plantinum.

I really feel sorry for your relatives.

OP, I get what you are trying to say but I think you should call your gran and ask her what she’s cooking and tell her your step kids are coming and work out a way to feed them together that will suit her. They are your step kids, she is their step grandmother. It’s time they spent some time together and you aren’t giving your grandmother the chance to get to know them. I bet she’d like to.

No it's not.

If my children married again and had step-children I would like to think I would treat them as family.

You've married their father. How were they not met by your family by now?