DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Most dammed sensible approach said on this whole thread.

When you split houses, you split control and people seemed to be getting very irate about not being able to control what goes down in the other house because it's simple no one else's business. Period.

Almost like we have our own minds, thoughts, wishes or something.

Christ. Well done op you have taken a battering with good grace !!

Honestly to me, the most straightforward solution would be to call gran and say

"Hey gran, so sorry but Dave has had to have sally and Ben last minute so won't be able to come. It'll just be me and Harry"

That way if she wanted to she could extend the invite to the SC and she is under no obligation to if she doesn't as you've already given her the out.

Sorry, I see the thread has moved on and you've got a solution 😅

If it was your child who might have been at his dads and was now unexpectedly with you last min I doubt we would be having this conversation

*Because she wants to, and it would be incredibly patronising of the rest of the family to tell her that she's not up to it so they'll do it instead?

Well done on your ageist and patronising post there.*

Others have said she's too frail to accommodate two extra, hence why. Still doesn't really address that, just throws the ageism trump card out. It's not ageism to help your granny out.

Being someone's step child myself many years ago, I now go out of my way to include any family step children equally, I have a step-nephew. Could your DH or take a couple of extra dishes to share at the meal? If not he'd be better taking his kids to Pizza Express.

There are ways to help her without taking over. And doubtless her family will do things like set the table, wash up, and maybe offer a hand here or there. But it's her party and her choice to host. You don't pull the rug from under someone's gesture by taking over.

And anyway, that makes no difference to the question in the OP. It's the GGP's anniversary, it's their party, with people they've invited. You don't turn up with two extras who are unlikely to want to be there, who they don't know, and when it's too late to adapt the catering.

😊

I also think some of the… less caring stepmums forget that the stepchildren are their child’s brothers and sisters, and it’s entirely in their child’s interest to foster a close relationship between them with minimal demarcation.

I can imagine their DC phoning up their made-to-feel-unwelcome half sibling to ask a favour as adults and the half sibling telling them to naff off.

they acknowledge that part of their reluctance to meet my family is because their mum is SO anti it

This is interesting because not one of the hundreds of critical commentators on this thread said anything but the opposite - ie all were mothers who expected/demanded that their children get to know their SM’s family.

And still this trundles with apparently zero understanding that every single family is different. Your experience and lifestyle is simply that. It doesn’t mean than someone else’s is wrong. Just different. I can’t believe you are all this intolerant in real life.

I'm sorry OP but your thread doesn't make sense. You say that your DSC are not close to your grandparents. Fair enough, but then you say that if the dinner had been on a weekend they were due to be with you, she would invited them, so close or not is not the issue, it's irrelevant.

If she'd invited them, the only issue is her finding out very late they were coming. In that case, if it is stressful to add 2 seats and cook more, I would have offered to come sooner, stopped on the way to buy more of what she was cooking and helped her with it all. Surely between you and your parents, you could have helped so that she wasn't stressed even with 11 people.

I think it's all about you not wanting them to be there at all, and looking for excuses.

I can imagine their DC phoning up their made-to-feel-unwelcome half sibling to ask a favour as adults and the half sibling telling them to naff off
Can you really? It's funny, I can't imagine DSD being like that in a million years to DS.
"What do you mean can you borrow a bag of sugar - I never met your great uncle Edgar, so you are no brother of mine!"
Give me fucking strength 🙄

"What do you mean can you borrow a bag of sugar - I never met your great uncle Edgar, so you are no brother of mine!"

😂

She’d have probably made an allowance with the knowledge in advance, but last minute changes of plan don’t suit her. OP knows her gran well enough to have assumed this, and she was indeed proven to be right.

There’s probably plenty that they could do to accommodate the stepchildren if the gran was willing, but she isn’t. She wants the night she’s making the effort to host, to go as she envisaged. Unfortunately the husband can no longer make it, but that’s preferable to adding two extra people. Her house, her event, her prerogative.

so what if OP doesn’t particularly want the stepchildren there? It doesn’t sound like they’re exactly anxious to go themselves. It’s not their family’s celebration, it’s OP’s.

@MeridianB it is interesting (/infuriating). But DH's ex is a nightmare though and this sort of thinking is fairly par for the course (not to derail, but her nonsense is thread worthy on its own).

That said - I would bet the house that a huge chunk of the critical commentators here would also be fuming and frothing at the mouth if OP was insisting that her SCs were travelling each weekend to visit their step-great-grandparent - rather than spending quality time with their dad / dad's family.

IMO it's very different with much younger children. But the sense I got from my SDs is that they're not exactly desperate to hang with my family anyway, and they know it will cause drama with their mum. And (unlike things like holidays with us) it's not a battle they want to fight with her.

But while they say they'll meet my parents eventually under the right circs. They'd rather do almost anything than impose last minute on a step-great granny sit down anniversary dinner with a load of people they don't know really, and all in the interest of some perceived "fairness".

I asked if they felt excluded because they'd not met my side and got an eye roll and an of course not. Which is in line with what I thought.

They're just not that interested. They know I love them. They know that door is open. They've just got better things to do with their time.

I'm also a step child. I've met my mum's partner's parent. But I honestly don't know if my dad's wife's parents are still alive even. (I was fairly old (maybe 20) by the time she became part of the family.

Frankly I would find it deeply weird and tedious if I was expected to go to her family's parties (not least as a grown, married adult with my own child on the way). She is my family, but her family aren't. And that's absolutely fine.

Why should they know the OP’s family particularly well? They go to spend time with their father, not to be force-blended with OP’s family that they have no real ties to.

Correct!

You did the right thing going and taking your DC. As a stepmum I have experienced similar and the DSC are my family but I don't expect my relatives to view them the same as my DC. They have hardly ever met them as we only see DSC EOW and in the holidays so it's really difficult to plan things. Especially with all the covid restrictions it was much harder to try and get them all to meet and make relationships. Last time the DSC met my parents it all just felt awkward and I don't think the DSC were fussed to be there really.

This basically!

This shouldn't even have been a problem because OP's husband should have checked with her before agreeing to any swaps.

How do these kids feel about being binned off to their stepmum's gran because their own mother had to make last minute social plans that were more important

I guess though that gives us a steer on what ‘treating the SC like your own children’ means… it’s totally ok to bin them off because you’ve got something you’d rather do. After all, it’s what their mum would do.

Somehow I don’t think the ‘poor kids’ contingent mean that though. As always, SMs are held to far higher standards than the kids’ parents - and still found lacking whatever they do.

Yup, sorry. I'm a stepchild and know what it can feel like to be excluded... intentionally or not. I also have 2 stepchildren as well as my DC and every time there is a family event, whether it is their time with us or not, I specify they might come and they get the option if it's not their time with us. Yes it's unfair that their mum has done this last minute but that happens with kids some times, you just adapt (unless she does this a lot, then boundaries need to be set). As far as I'm concerned my step kids are also mine. They are family. They'll never have a relationship with your family if they aren't included in things and down the line this will become more apparent and causes more issues. Potentially driving a wedge between you and DH. I suppose maybe turning it around and seeing how you would feel if it was the other way around might help. Re your grandparents....take extra food maybe? I'm sure they're lovely people and will understand and welcome a "bring a dish"

I think you are very unreasonable. You’re stepchildren shouldn’t be an inconvenience. They are your babys’ siblings. They should be welcomed into your families home. I bet your gran would be pleased, her grandchild’s brothers/sisters are coming! I would be so sad if my sons stepmother thought like you.

Maybe I have high standards though as my partners family absolutely adore my son. They would do anything for him and they always want him over

I'm a step mum and wouldn't hesitate to take dss to a family event, he is of course part of the family. You seem to be trying to separate the two, shouldn't be the case, in my opinion.

YABU

My step children only visit once a fortnight ages 15 and 20 now been in my life for 7 years and throughout those 7 years have been included in family gatherings automatically I don’t ask if I can bring them because they are my partners children and are family as much as my children are! How would you feel if your children from a previous relationship were excluded from his family gathering! You really do sound selfish! Two extra isn’t a big deal!
I don’t see my family often, as we also live far apart but the step children are my step children and thus part of my family wether they see my family often or not! They should automatically be included especially seems your married! I’m not married to my partner yet just engaged but still include them!

Why blast the mum? Is any mother who plans a night out, just essentially "binning off" her kids??

Your post is complaining about the treatment of step mums, yet the way you picked on the other woman in the situation, rather than the fact she's done nothing wrong and it was the husband who's been a twat here, speaks volumes.

Will always be woman versus woman for some people. Easiest target I suppose.