DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Leave him at home with his children. People here are expecting your poor old gran to cope with teens eating pizza and sandwiches on the side while she organises a much planned sit down meal at the fucking table.

I would tell him to stay home with them.

My DGM is the same, she worries about having enough food etc for gatherings. I wouldn't put that on her. It's just added stress when they can stay home and enjoy time with their dad. Win win.

I’m not against the stepchildren at all, I’m against the painting of OP as a dickhead, and I’m amused at the posters speaking as voices of authority telling her how her family should be running as if they have any say in the matter.

not a stepparent at all, thankfully. The thread came up on active and I wandered on in.

What? Of course its my business if my children are being excluded from family occasions and made to feel "other". Its fucking rude to marry someone with kids and then pretend they don't exist when it doesn't suit. These are my children being treated as second class citezens and I am allowed to feel pissed off on their behalf. Its not like I cause a massive scene about it but it is certainly my business.

Why is your elderly gran cooking in the first place?
Why are you not cooking for her on her special occasion?

I think there’s a lot of overly defensive stepmums posting on here. Anyway I’ve said my piece and will duck out

I'd rather have my arms cut off than be a stepmother, it looks utterly thankless. I just saw this in Trending.

@WindyKnickers
If you say you like their SM then they obviously aren't second class citizens.
As long as my DSD is being treated well and cared for when she's with her father, I'm not sure her mother gives two hoots if we all go out for dinner for my mum's birthday when she's not with us. I'd actually be very concerned about her general well-being if this was the sort of thing she was fixating and handwringing about to be honest.
What's another woman does with her family is genuinely none of your business.

I suspect you’d also be complaining if the contact weekends were taken up with her family.

if the kids father doesn’t make them feel welcome on contact weekends, he’s a shit father. Not the SM’s doing. Not her family’s.

what happens when they’re not there is neither here nor there. Your ex and SM can dress as Pokémon and hold orgies in their living room, see whoever they like, or whatever they want to do. The kids are with you. It’s not relevant to them.

it’s like having an opinion on what your husband eats for lunch in the office canteen. It’s not relevant to you. Even if it’s not what you’d choose or what you think he should choose.

The OP has been proven right about her gran's wishes, despite hundreds of posters thinking they know better - gran had not invited the two kids she doesn't know to her dinner party.
The children aren't the same and it's ridiculous to think that all extended family have to pretend otherwise.
Even in nuclear families it's normal to do different things with different kids, once they develop separate interest and friendships.

The OP isn't being 'whiny' to state that she can't just bring along two extra people to someone else's event. In real life only cheeky fuckers think that's acceptable behaviour!

what happens when they’re not there is neither here nor there. Your ex and SM can dress as Pokémon and hold orgies in their living room, see whoever they like, or whatever they want to do. The kids are with you. It’s not relevant to them.

😂😂😂

What? Of course its my business if my children are being excluded from family occasions and made to feel "other". Its fucking rude to marry someone with kids and then pretend they don't exist when it doesn't suit. These are my children being treated as second class citezens and I am allowed to feel pissed off on their behalf. Its not like I cause a massive scene about it but it is certainly my business.

If they are with you though, then what’s the big deal that they didn’t get to go to their stepmum’s family’s special occasion? You sound very intense and meddling and like you are looking for something to be upset about. I wouldn’t like to be involved with your ex with you in the background.

Out of interest, I just ran the situation by my teen stepdaughters. Our situations are similar in that SDs aren't close to my family (indeed they've never met them despite regular, open invites).

Their view is:

1. they wouldn't particularly want to go to my gran's anniversary dinner (strong god how boring vibes)
2. they'd feel very uncomfortable eating a pizza and sitting on borrowed chairs while everyone else had a formal sit down dinner
3. had this situation come up, their preference would be to stay with mum, stay with dad, or most likely stay home alone with a film
4. they'd find it really weird to not know anyone and be forced to meet them at an "event"
5. they know my parents would like to meet them and they don't feel at all excluded that it hasn't happened yet. (Vague teenage shrugging, at some point, when asked when we might do that. Perhaps tie it in with something fun).
6. they acknowledge that part of their reluctance to meet my family is because their mum is SO anti it, (and partly having better things to do 😂)
7. they wouldn't be remotely offended that they'd not been invited to something that was on a weekend that we weren't due to have them. Nor would they care if we'd said we had plans.
8. they find it hilarious that I've been so outraged by replies to a mumsnet post.

It pisses me off because they deliberately avoid them mixing. He rearranges contact so my children don't mix with her family. They organise "family" stuff purposefully on weekends that the DC aren't there. They are excluded from the wider family on purpose. Why is that OK? Of course I DGAF what he does when the kids aren't with him, FFS, except it does bother me that they are deliberately kept out of the way like an embarrassing secret. I'm not obsessing over it, but when he calls and says, "can I drop the kids back early because we're all going for lunch with SM's family" I'm annoyed, because why can't my kids go too? Why are they not included?

This.

OP, I am glad that you did not ask your GM to add extra non family to the dinner party.

It would have been so rude to do so.

What a rude, inconsiderate dud you have married, but I suspect you know that.

I strongly suggest you bullet proof your contraception, stay working, and think long and hard about this selfish waster you are involved with.

You deserve better, I bet your family think it too.

Enjoy your evening.
He doesn't sound like any loss to the proceedings.

They should be included. Tell him you have plans and will have to take them with them.

Billy1966

A good friend of mine was the stepchild in a scenario where stepfather’s family didn’t perceive her as immediate/close family. In spite of her mum and stepfather being together from when she was three. It’s incredibly hurtful for children in this situation.

Say no to swapping or having them back early then and see what they do. But it's still none of your business what his wife and her family choose to do.

@WindyKnickers
I that case I revert back to point that I made at the start of the thread. People should not be dropping their pre existing plans at the last minute. In your ex's case, his pre existing plans with his children (even if it was "only" that he was looking after them that day) should clearly be prioritised over lunch with the in laws. You shouldn't be expected to go out of your way to facilitate be this. It really does work both ways.
And yes, it is also weird to deliberately go out of their way to not have your children there during their time, rather than make plans for another time if they would rather not take them.

That’s not quite the same situation. Your children’s father is ditching them on his contact weekends to exclude them. they know they’re being gotten rid of.

Completely different to keeping the stuff that’s not really relevant to the SC for when they’re not going to be there anyway. That might include a SM saying ‘no mum, we can’t make lunch on Sunday. Matt’s got his kids that weekend. What about next week?’ but shouldn’t include ‘right kids, back off to mum’s, we’ve got more important people to see and you’re not invited’.

Because she wants to, and it would be incredibly patronising of the rest of the family to tell her that she's not up to it so they'll do it instead?

Well done on your ageist and patronising post there.

@Gathering1
You are NOT BU.
Theres lots of reasons why they won't be close to your family (as you say, distance, boring for them, etc). If you'd made a thread that mentioned you were always taking your DSC to visit your family aj hour away on a regular basis, no doubt the same people here would be up in arms saying the contact time is to spend with the dad, not being dragged to see your family. You can't win here.

And I completely get the situation, why you're upset with DH, not wanting to put on your Gran etc.
Unfortunately, the decision has been made. This is 100% on your DH for agreeing in the first place, not on you and your family. Ignore half the comments on here.

My eyes are life bleeding at some of these comments.

Are reading levels that low on MN ? 😵‍💫

Why is it step granny wants to cook her own meal for her day and everyone's having some type of meltdown over it treating op like she's just boiled a kitten.

I can't imagine my DSD would want to be dragged to a event like this. Her eyes would fall out. This isn't segregation this is literally her version on hell, certainly was mine as a teen.

Op your not wrong to be cross at your DP. Pre existing plans stand and they should be unheld or he makes sacrifices (either by staying home with DSC or telling ex sorry can't have them), if DSC had been arranged to come prior to party again that would stand and DP would need to apologise to granny and stay with DSC at home.

Why is it with SC people get so bloody unreasonable. Everyone compares their situation and thinks agghh OP sounds like my ex ....yadada she's evil so op must be too. Christ have some internal reflective skills before you project would you.

I change my previous statement I was speaking to my sister who has 2 stepchildren and helps out a lot like you said you do also and she was saying if it was already planned 100% she’d say no to having DSC your DH needs to say he forgot that use already had plans but he’ll make it upto them next week maybe use can have games night with them or a day out next time! and you both should be able to go to your grans and have a nice time its 1 night you can’t have them ffs it doesn’t make you a monster