DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

No, it doesn’t. No more than showing any other child love and concern makes them ‘entitled brats’. They need the extra care because, as I said, they are inherently disadvantaged. Are you a step child?

Let's face it it's not about the food, sounds like you just don't want them there.
I have a friend who's like this with her SC and it makes me angry. When SC know they're not wanted (and they will know) it messes them up

I think ‘othering’ stepkids actually makes the ‘brat’ thing worse in the long run; as they go into ‘compete’ mode and play up, feeling they have to act out to get attention. As a general rule stepkids should be as welcome in the house as the half siblings are, and they should be able to go anywhere the half siblings go.

Why should they know her family particularly well? They go to spend time with their father, not to be force-blended with OP’s family that they have no real ties to.

i don’t understand the expectation that step families have to pretend to be exactly the same as traditional ones in some weird denial of reality. They’re not by their very nature, and you can’t force them to be.

Why does everyone keep regurgitating the same shit without actually reading the thread?

Ok let’s say op had a second child that was unable to make the dinner, but at last minute their plans have fallen through and they are able to make it. That’s how the stepkids should be treated right now.

If they need the extra care then that’s up to the actual parents to provide, and make clear at the beginning to any partner they may have that that’s what they intend to provide. Not just assume that a prospective step parent is willing to endlessly pander in this way.

I'm so glad there is someone here who is the absolute authority on how all stepchildren must be treated! Thank you for your service.

But OP doesn’t. A second child of hers would be a close family member of her grandparents. Entirely different to the stepchildren.

@Wouldloveanother
Of course they need care and consideration. What I'm saying is that they aren't the only people who deserve it, that's not how family or the world at large works.
It's not doing anyone any favours to have some kids elevated above the others.
If I'm expected to see my DSD as family, and I absolutely do by the way, then she's going to have to see that she's not the only person in that family. Sometimes her needs and wants will come first, sometimes it will have to be my sons, sometimes even 😱😱😱 mine or DHs. She's not less important, she's just not more important. At least not all the time.

I am a stepchild and this isn’t true.

very often the SC get two of every celebration, two of all the holidays, twice the presents, none of the boring bits (because it’s done when they’re with the other parent) and so on.

Comments like this are usually about adults projecting their feelings about only seeing their kids some of the time on to the children.

plus it is the animal farm model of stepfamilies. All the children are equal but the SC are more equal and must always be prioritised over everyone else.

that’s what fucks everything up.

But they’re not being elevated. In being taken to the meal they’re being treated the same as the half sibling.

So yes I think putting them first in day to day situations to minimise the damage isn’t unreasonable. They need extra care and consideration because they are inherently disadvantaged.

So who should we put first? We have 3 children in such a position: my own "disadvantaged" 15 year old DD who has been a part of two separate households since she was 2 years old, or my DP's "disadvantaged" kids (15 & 11), who have been part of two households since they were 5 & 8? We don't always meet all 3 kids' needs/wants at once as they have such different interests - it's impossible to please them all all the time. So there has to be compromise and give and take by all parties, at any one time. It's ridiculous to just blindly continue to try to compensate for their "disadvantaged" position of having two homes. We just treat them as normal children, who are of course shown love, whilst also being taught the valuable life lesson that compromise is often necessary in life, and that in the adult world their needs won't always be put first because that's life. 🤷‍♀️

But they’re not the same as the half sibling. And they’re not invited to the meal.

They should be.

It's at 700 posts, what do you expect?

@Wouldloveanother
I thought we were now exchanging more general views about attitudes?
In this case, it's actually the ex who has been elevated above the wife. She said "I want" he said "of course" OP said "wait but" and he basically said "fuck you".
All wrapped up in a cloak of "the children come first" when it wasn't ever actually about them at all.

Have you even considered whether an 11 and 14 year old want to be.

or whether they’d rather spend the weekend with their mum as was the plan.

Once again - you've echoed my thoughts exactly.

We all take turns in our family at having our wishes prioritised - it's about give and take. That's me, DP, AND all 3 elder kids (who are all from separated homes). The only one who gets her needs put first much of the time because of her age, is our youngest shared DC. She's not old enough yet to understand the concept of give and take because she's 1, but when she is, she will also learn it.

I think there’s a lot of overly defensive stepmums posting on here. Anyway I’ve said my piece and will duck out.

And yet despite what some people think ‘should’ happen, they’re not.

oh well.

But if OP had a second child, they would have been coming from the start wouldn’t they? It’s really not the same scenario. If she had an older child with an ex, she more than likely would have swapped weekends ages ago to have her older child there. If her child was invited to a friend’s birthday party, she would have said no because of a family occasion taking place.

Or possibly a lot of people who simply don’t know quite how ignorant they are about the complexities of stepfamilies. Or that what they imagine Should happen in all instances might make things much worse for the children.

@whumpthereitis hm you seem unnecessarily against SC. Sure, they weren't invited. Others are just saying it would be nice... there's no indication they'd be any trouble, probably just sitting on their phones. Are you a step mum in a bad situation? It may be contributing to your 'they weren't invited' stance. Comes off deliberately cold.

No. I'm posting from the perspective of both a SM and a mum to my own DD who is from a separated family. I don't put either my own DD or my SCs on any kind of special treatment pedestal simply because their parents don't live together. They are treated as normal children who are loved but who occasionally have to compromise and not be put first. That's life.