Page 29 | DH invited step children to family gathering

Gathering1 · 2022-06-25T16:30:13+00:00

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's. DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten. He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them. AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc... I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it. He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 10:58

Youseethethingis1 · 26/06/2022 10:38

@lancsgirl85
I'm not sure anyone actually does live that way to be honest, how would it work in real life? It wouldn't. Not without a fucktonne of completely unnecessary angst and resentment. No, I think it's just a fun stick to wave around on this board.

Yes quite possibly!

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 10:59

WimpoleHat · 26/06/2022 10:55

Win win for all involved.

….including @Gathering1, who I suspect will be finding her way out of any of her DH’s commitments that she finds less appealing than spending a bit of downtime with her own DS….

Have you ever been on any of the MIL threads on here? Based on those I just assumed majority of people don't go go any event they don't want to. Or just go no/low contact!

lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 11:00

PurpleWisteria · 26/06/2022 10:54

Your DH has shown little respect for you in this. He should never have put his ex's wants for a social occasion above a previously agreed function with you and your family.

I would struggle to get past such a lack of consideration.

As would I.

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 26/06/2022 11:00

No. Tbh OP but I did switch off after you stating its not my dinner like some whiney 5 year old passing the blame.

Also why don't you step kids know your family... it speaks volumes 🙄

Original poster

Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 11:01

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 10:59

Have you ever been on any of the MIL threads on here? Based on those I just assumed majority of people don't go go any event they don't want to. Or just go no/low contact!

Show quote history

I just think this is a really shit way to be in a marriage. Unless the people have actually wronged me in some way I don't know why I wouldn't make the effort with my husband's family just because I don't really want to go.

OP posts:

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 11:04

@Gathering1 mumsnet is where I first realised there are people out there that just don't go to anything they don't want to go to. You see it a lot on the wedding threads too, or any sort of family/social event really. Really opened my eyes, although have yet to actually have the nerve to just not bother myself. Tempted a few times though!

saraclara · 26/06/2022 11:05

OP may rightly just not want to put an old lady in an awkward position, where she’ll say it’s fine but then feel very stressed about it. And that’s just considerate, surely?

Of course it is. And in the real world I hope that's how we'd all behave.

MN is just ridiculous sometimes.

JuneJubilee · 26/06/2022 11:09

@Gathering1

I am astounded at the patience you have shown on this thread.

and once again I am astounded at the wilful nastiness posted by so many others.

im not repeating the whole thing, but there's nothing wrong with anything you've done it said.

your DH is being an utter nob, he should have checked his calendar before agreeing to help his Ex out. He wasn't available to say yes to her. Idiot.

make it clear to Dickhead, that helping Ex out so she can go to a social event, instead of honouring his commitment to go with you to your grandparents anniversary dinner has damaged your relationship. He's chosen HER to help & YOU to hurt.

im sorry you've been so unsupported in here & that DH has hurt you & put a dampener on the event.

do yourself a favour & Hide the thread.
💐

Fukuraptor · 26/06/2022 11:09

Yeah, fair enough, if on hearing that he was staying home with SC she didn't enthusiastically invite them all it sounds as if it is a relief for her to cater for one less rather than two more. Looks like you and your mum made the right call.

The reason I suggested that the youngest child be offered the opportunity to stay home with dad and siblings rather than attend is that people were pointing out how boring kids often find family events and sit down formal dinners and it wasn't clear that there were other children attending. They were suggesting the SC would prefer to skip it and I thought maybe the youngest would too (which also would mean H would have 3 children to look after and OP could enjoy some adult conversation with her relatives).

Margo1986 · 26/06/2022 11:10

Your family have not made effort with his
family so why should he?

RewildingAmbridge · 26/06/2022 11:11

I think it's odd that you have these children almost half of the time and they don't know your family. Ok don't invite them they're not close to your family, but why is that when you've been with their father five years and they spend at least three nights a week at your house? The reason people are questioning this OP is that by not encouraging them to develop a relationship with your family, you are effectively keeping them at arms length.

saraclara · 26/06/2022 11:11

To the 'my family is better than yours' brigade:
I married into the most hospitable and welcoming family you can imagine. The more the merrier was their watchword, and they'd take people in, even give them a roof over their heads in a crisis, and enjoy every minute.

My MIL still wanted to do this in her 80s, after my PIL had died. But we saw her get more and more stressed and more and more anxious about the catering, whereas she was never at all worried about it before.

People are different to start with, but the effect of aging varies hugely for different people. Some lucky ones manage to be able to do what they always did. Some want to do the same but find they can't manage it as easily.

I find it offensive that so many people on this thread are basically criticising a great grandmother for being stressed at feeding 10 people, and smugly saying that THEIR GM would sail through it. That's not the point. OP knows and loves HER GM, and doesn't want to add to her stress.

saraclara · 26/06/2022 11:13

RewildingAmbridge · 26/06/2022 11:11

I think it's odd that you have these children almost half of the time and they don't know your family. Ok don't invite them they're not close to your family, but why is that when you've been with their father five years and they spend at least three nights a week at your house? The reason people are questioning this OP is that by not encouraging them to develop a relationship with your family, you are effectively keeping them at arms length.

Because the point of those three days is that they spend time with their dad, not OP's Grandmother who they'll have no interest in and who lives an hour away.

funinthesun19 · 26/06/2022 11:15

Give over OP. Cut to the chase you don't want your step kids to attend!

Well, it was a non contact weekend originally and her husband changed that at the very last minute. OP had been prepared for that. So I wouldn’t actually blame OP if she felt a bit put out that the arrangements have now changed to include dsc. She is allowed to enjoy time with her family without them there.

bruhmance · 26/06/2022 11:16

Fukuraptor · 26/06/2022 09:45

Your grandparents invited your family unit even though they aren't related to, or probably close to, your DH.

In our families, if a family unit was on some days 5 people and some days 3 people, then even if the original plan was for 3 people to come, if all 5 could come they would be welcome and we'd budge up, borrow chairs, put on a bit more food (although that probably wouldn't be necessary as all the hosts tend to over cater and sent food away with everyone). It just wouldn't be an issue, of course the children would come, it would be great to get a chance to meet them. We'd prefer that to half a family staying home.

I think it's interesting how evenly split the thread is, clearly other families have much more formalised meals that are precisely catered and inflexible, where extra mouths would be a burden and either rejected or accepted but resented.

What I'm struggling with is the idea that it is an imposition to even ask a day in advance if they could be accommodated. Because if the host is like me/my family where it wouldn't be a bother and a stress, there's no opportunity for us to tell the OP that (and she wouldn't believe us and think we were just being polite if we did).

Obviously she and her mother know the Grandmother and her capacity and the kind of events she hosts better than we do so she's the expert on this situation.

But in general in our families, expressing a "I hope I have enough food" before a family event is a bit of flapping from someone who has already catered for well over what we need to (as evidenced by copious leftovers), and not a deep distress.

I can accept that the OP knows her family better whilst still thinking that it all sounds very stiff, formal and not how I'd want family members to treat an event I was hosting.

There's a difference in my mind between the SC not being vital to an event with distant steprelatives (so being left out by it occuring whilst they are with their mum) and it actively saying we can't have them because of the event or they'll have to stay at home with their dad because they aren't invited/expected.

Some family events aren't much fun for kids, that's true. But if that's the case I think it's a bit weird to take one sibling and not the others, if Dad is staying home with brothers/sisters then I'd give the younger one this option too. Rather than reinforcing a blood relatives versus step children division.

I know you didn't ask for this this weekend and it made sense to you that your unit of 3 do stuff with your relations when you are 3 and not 5. But maybe you need to think about whether that habit means that you can't turn up at your relations as a unit of 5 with a day's notice when that's unexpectedly an option.

Out of genuine interest, because I struggle with these unspoken social rules if the SC would have been welcome if it was their weekend, and one day's notice was too short, how much notice would have been acceptable?

I agree with you wholeheartedly @Fukuraptor . It sounds a bit stern and stiff to me. Why wouldn't there be enough food, if you cater for many, you usually overdo it. Different backgrounds, but it all sounds a bit of a palaver.

lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 11:18

JuneJubilee · 26/06/2022 11:09

@Gathering1

I am astounded at the patience you have shown on this thread.

and once again I am astounded at the wilful nastiness posted by so many others.

im not repeating the whole thing, but there's nothing wrong with anything you've done it said.

your DH is being an utter nob, he should have checked his calendar before agreeing to help his Ex out. He wasn't available to say yes to her. Idiot.

make it clear to Dickhead, that helping Ex out so she can go to a social event, instead of honouring his commitment to go with you to your grandparents anniversary dinner has damaged your relationship. He's chosen HER to help & YOU to hurt.

im sorry you've been so unsupported in here & that DH has hurt you & put a dampener on the event.

do yourself a favour & Hide the thread.
💐

Excellent post.

bruhmance · 26/06/2022 11:19

I find it offensive that so many people on this thread are basically criticising a great grandmother for being stressed at feeding 10 people, and smugly saying that THEIR GM would sail through it. That's not the point. OP knows and loves HER GM, and doesn't want to add to her stress.

Offensive? Give me a break. It's perfectly reasonable to ask in advance. Some other family members should be helping an elderly relative anyway, not leaving her to cook for them as more able-bodied adults than she is.

Jiminycrickets · 26/06/2022 11:19

Your husband has double booked himself and that was rude/inconsiderate towards you and your family. He needs to stay home with them, and I would be very annoyed with him. He should have said you had plans.

whumpthereitis · 26/06/2022 11:22

bruhmance · 26/06/2022 11:19

I find it offensive that so many people on this thread are basically criticising a great grandmother for being stressed at feeding 10 people, and smugly saying that THEIR GM would sail through it. That's not the point. OP knows and loves HER GM, and doesn't want to add to her stress.

Offensive? Give me a break. It's perfectly reasonable to ask in advance. Some other family members should be helping an elderly relative anyway, not leaving her to cook for them as more able-bodied adults than she is.

The great grandmother wants to cook for her family. You can’t force someone to accept help.

anyway, OP has asked now.

Youseethethingis1 · 26/06/2022 11:23

I'm finding it very odd that the "Step children first, front and centre above everyone else at all times" type posters, the same type of posters who will tell SMs to butt out and leave the DSC to have time with their Dad alone when he now has a new baby to look after too, for example, are now quite happy to berate a SM for placing time with the DSC actual relatives above forging a bond with her grandparents.
I don't like to be cynical but can't help thinking that where theres a will theres someone wanting to pretend they are a relative.

whumpthereitis · 26/06/2022 11:26

@bruhmance i doubt it’s ‘stern and stiff’, rather it’s just not, on this occasion, an informal event of the type your family hosts.

My family does both. Some events are ‘more the merrier’ informal, others are more structured. I don’t think this is particularly unusual.

Wouldloveanother · 26/06/2022 11:27

I'm finding it very odd that the "Step children first, front and centre above everyone else at all times" type posters

ok I don’t know if you’re a stepchild (assuming not from your posts) but here is why.
when a family split, the only losers are the kids. Mum and dad move on, get new relationships, have more kids etc. The step kids gain nothing and the impact lasts for the rest of their life - birthdays, Christmases, family events, even the luxury of coming home to both parents in the evening. It’s all split in half. They’re the only party which gains absolutely nothing. So yes I think putting them first in day to day situations to minimise the damage isn’t unreasonable. They need extra care and consideration because they are inherently disadvantaged. It’s equity. Not equality. If that makes sense.

Scianel · 26/06/2022 11:31

@Youseethethingis1 from what I can tell, a stepmother's place is in the wrong. If she's not expressing enthusiastic delight regarding anything relating to her stepchildren and wanting to dedicate her entire life to them, she's a bitch. If she is, she's over-stepping and needs to realise they're not her children.
In this scenario, I guarantee you that if she'd been dragging her stepkids to her grans on a regular basis she'd have been snidely informed that she should be letting them have time with their dad, and that the grandparents weren't family as they already had their own.

Scianel · 26/06/2022 11:32

So yes I think putting them first in day to day situations to minimise the damage isn’t unreasonable

Unfortunately though that creates entitled brats.

PurpleWisteria · 26/06/2022 11:33

So many people can't be bothered to read the thread then make idiots of themselves in their responses.

If you can't be bothered to at least read OP's posts maybe say nowt rather than look a total fuckwit.

OP said waaaaaaaay back that if the DSCs were supposed to be with them this weekend then they would have been invited. It's the last minute thing that has caused the problems.

Her DH is a prick to let her down so badly.

I expect loons will still not bother reading the thread and will flap their stupid mouths. <sigh>