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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH invited step children to family gathering

991 replies

Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 17:30

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

OP posts:
lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 10:31

Pay no attention OP. It's insanity. I visit my family all the time on weekends DSC aren't here - we all go, me, DP and both my DDs (eldest not DP's, youngest is). We go and see my family and we have an unapologetically lovely time as a unit of 4, whilst DSC have a lovely time at their mother's or either of their own grandparents' homes. Then they come to us and we all have a lovely time together as a unit of 6. No one has died. No one cares what goes on in each other's absence. It's all good.

MultiBird · 26/06/2022 10:33

Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:11

I'm not going to leave our son at home for those suggesting it. My gran wants him there and his cousins will be there too.

So this small gathering includes gran and grandad, you DH and DC, your parents, plus at least one sibling and their family with plural children. So at least 11 people? And you can't even countenance asking if adding 2 would be OK?

I mean, you've found your solution now, but it does seem you've cut your nose off to spite your face. What you obviously wanted was for DH to change his agreement with Ex, but you've ended up with him missing from the party, when it may have been no big deal at all for you all to attend.

lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 10:34

Oh, I should add - sometimes my eldest DD goes to her own dad's, leaving me, DP and our joint youngest DC to visit my family. My eldest doesn't care - she's having a lovely time with her Dad. 🤷‍♀️

I can't imagine having to factor in every single person every single time our family wanted to move or breathe, especially since our 3 eldest DC often want to do their own things and stay at mate's houses etc while we do things with the youngest. Sounds an absolutely exhausting way to live to have to constantly include everyone in a very literal sense.

saraclara · 26/06/2022 10:37

So many 'my family is better than yours' posts on here. The smugness is absolutely nauseating.

The fact that people feel the need to crow over an elderly lady's stress about catering for her own special event, need to take a hard look at themselves.

Youseethethingis1 · 26/06/2022 10:38

@lancsgirl85
I'm not sure anyone actually does live that way to be honest, how would it work in real life? It wouldn't. Not without a fucktonne of completely unnecessary angst and resentment. No, I think it's just a fun stick to wave around on this board.

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 10:39

Agree with PP that it seems a bit cutting your nose off to spite your face. As you clearly wanted your husband to ring up the ex and cancel having the kids. He hasn't. So now he's not going.

Which you'll explain to your gran and surely immediately everyone will be like oh why didn't you just bring the kids. And this merry dance continues round in circles.

MultiBird · 26/06/2022 10:39

Have you told gran, he won't be coming because of DSC yet? What's her response?

funinthesun19 · 26/06/2022 10:41

Yes. And it's been suggested that I shouldn't go either 🤣🤣 why on earth I'd do that is beyond me.

I saw the suggestion that you shouldn’t go but didn’t see it suggested that your son shouldn’t go too! Honestly, some people really are reaching with their ideal compromises that stepmums and their children should make. Can’t even see your own Grandparents now. Why should you both show some weird solidarity to your husband and his kids by not attending this special occasion? Your Grandparents might be really hurt to not see you there, not to mention the regret and hurt you yourself would feel by not attending. I lost my Grandma earlier this year very suddenly, so just goes to show that you need to cherish these family occasions while you still can. DSC and your husband shouldn’t get in the way of that.

Original poster
Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:42

I spoke with her this morning and told her and her response was that was a shame and to make sure I was still coming with DS. If she'd have not been bothered she'd have asked then.

OP posts:
MultiBird · 26/06/2022 10:42

saraclara · 26/06/2022 10:37

So many 'my family is better than yours' posts on here. The smugness is absolutely nauseating.

The fact that people feel the need to crow over an elderly lady's stress about catering for her own special event, need to take a hard look at themselves.

Who's crowing? I think OP is (possibly) being uncessarily patronising in assuming Gran can't cope with a couple extra. She's volunteered to cook for at least 11 people. She obviously doesn't think it's beyond her.

Everyone "stresses" about whether there'll be enough food, when we all know we'll likely have loads leftover.

Original poster
Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:43

MultiBird · 26/06/2022 10:33

So this small gathering includes gran and grandad, you DH and DC, your parents, plus at least one sibling and their family with plural children. So at least 11 people? And you can't even countenance asking if adding 2 would be OK?

I mean, you've found your solution now, but it does seem you've cut your nose off to spite your face. What you obviously wanted was for DH to change his agreement with Ex, but you've ended up with him missing from the party, when it may have been no big deal at all for you all to attend.

Show quote history

I explained in my OP who would be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:44

MultiBird · 26/06/2022 10:42

Who's crowing? I think OP is (possibly) being uncessarily patronising in assuming Gran can't cope with a couple extra. She's volunteered to cook for at least 11 people. She obviously doesn't think it's beyond her.

Everyone "stresses" about whether there'll be enough food, when we all know we'll likely have loads leftover.

Show quote history

I wasn't blindly assuming anything. I spoke with my mum about it first who's very close to her and speaks to her every day and she thought it would be too stressful as gran had already expressed to her about being stressed.

Asking my gran outright is basically putting pressure on her to agree, most people would struggle to say no in that situation I think?

OP posts:
Fukuraptor · 26/06/2022 10:45

Youseethethingis1 · 26/06/2022 10:05

I know you didn't ask for this this weekend and it made sense to you that your unit of 3 do stuff with your relations when you are 3 and not 5. But maybe you need to think about whether that habit means that you can't turn up at your relations as a unit of 5 with a day's notice when that's unexpectedly an option
What are you suggesting then? As far as I can see there are two options if that "habit" must be broken:

  1. OP, DH and DS exist in a state of suspended animation waiting for the DSC to come back before they can go anywhere or see anyone as a unit of 5. OPs childs opportunity to see his own maternal family is reduced to only when his siblings can also be present.
  2. Unit of 5 drastically cuts down the time the DSC have to spend with their own paternal relatives as now that time must be shared with their step mothers relatives. All childrens opportunity to see own paternal family is therefore vastly reduced. How is either option in any way desirable? Why can we not just be realistic about how much time is available and who is actually related to who in any meaningful way?

Ah, I didn't mean the habit had to be broken in general just that this occasion fell out of their usual habit of doing things separately but that didn't mean they couldn't do it as a 5.

As they presumably would have done had the anniversary fallen on a weekend where the kids were with them anyway.

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 10:45

Having read the entire thread, the posts suggesting you don't go, your child doesn't go (havent actually seen that one), are very very few and far between. So not sure why that's not been pounced on.

90% of people seem to agree that the situation really isn't that ideal, your husband is a twat but what's done is done, and surely adding your step kids on, who would have been invited anyway depending on the week it fell, isn't that big a deal. Not sure why those responses are warranting such a backlash and are being deemed to be anti step mum.

Iwonder08 · 26/06/2022 10:46

OP, think positively. You now have an official permission from your husband not to attend any family event hosted by his side of the family if you don't want to as he openly and clearly deprioritised yours.

WimpoleHat · 26/06/2022 10:46

It feels like it's a difference of formality/casualness in respect to family events.

There can be differences in formality in respect to different events within the same family, though. It depends on the event and the reasons for it. Can you bring another two people along to a wedding at 24 hours notice? Probably not when you’ve had to confirm numbers and pay a caterer. To a barbecue on Sunday because the weather is nice? Of course you can.

By the sound of it, this is a very special occasion for the OP’s gran and she has chosen to mark that with a more formal meal. Nothing at all wrong with a casual buffet with people eating pizza - but it’s not what’s happening or what was chosen. So it’s not right to make assumptions about people’s relationships or what should or shouldn’t happen with extra guests. The OP is better placed than any of us to judge what’s okay with her gran and she feels it’s not on to ask. It’s not necessarily being “over concerned”’ with formality; if she asks, the gran may well not feel able to say “no”. Any number of threads on here will confirm that lots of people find that difficult, even in the face of outrageously cheeky requests! So OP may rightly just not want to put an old lady in an awkward position, where she’ll say it’s fine but then feel very stressed about it. And that’s just considerate, surely? The DH staying at home seems like the best solution to a bad situation.

JuneJubilee · 26/06/2022 10:48

Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 17:38

You express sadness that your DH might miss the gathering, how can you be sad at that but at the same time be so resistant to his children attending.

They are teens so tbh I wouldn't miss them being there haha. They'll spend the whole time wanting to be anywhere else I imagine.

@Gathering1

YANBU

step children or the Queen, you just don't land 2 extras onto a dinner party, especially not one catered for carefully by your Gran.

given they're teenagers, can they not just stay home on their own?

If they're considered too you/untrustworthy, whatever, get a babysitter.

DH has said he'll have them 'off schedule'so his ex can go out, he should have checked his calendar to see what previous commitments he had.

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 10:50

Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:42

I spoke with her this morning and told her and her response was that was a shame and to make sure I was still coming with DS. If she'd have not been bothered she'd have asked then.

Ok, so she doesn't want them there. You and your DS will have a lovely time. DH will have a lovely time with his 2. Ex wife will have a lovely time at her social event.

Win win for all involved.

Original poster
Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:50

surely adding your step kids on, who would have been invited anyway depending on the week it fell, isn't that big a deal

But again, who am I to say it's not a big deal. It's not my dinner. That's what I've been saying all along. It's not up to me to just say "our unit of 5 are coming now, it's no big deal'.

OP posts:
IfIhearmumagaintoday · 26/06/2022 10:50

Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 17:38

It's not just up to me to include them and bring them along though is it? It's not my event.

Give over OP. Cut to the chase you don't want your step kids to attend!

Original poster
Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:52

Iwonder08 · 26/06/2022 10:46

OP, think positively. You now have an official permission from your husband not to attend any family event hosted by his side of the family if you don't want to as he openly and clearly deprioritised yours.

Yes looks that way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:52

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 26/06/2022 10:50

Give over OP. Cut to the chase you don't want your step kids to attend!

Show quote history

Bit late to the thread are we?

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria · 26/06/2022 10:54

Your DH has shown little respect for you in this. He should never have put his ex's wants for a social occasion above a previously agreed function with you and your family.

I would struggle to get past such a lack of consideration.

WimpoleHat · 26/06/2022 10:55

Win win for all involved.

….including @Gathering1, who I suspect will be finding her way out of any of her DH’s commitments that she finds less appealing than spending a bit of downtime with her own DS….

DanceTheDance · 26/06/2022 10:57

Gathering1 · 26/06/2022 10:50

surely adding your step kids on, who would have been invited anyway depending on the week it fell, isn't that big a deal

But again, who am I to say it's not a big deal. It's not my dinner. That's what I've been saying all along. It's not up to me to just say "our unit of 5 are coming now, it's no big deal'.

It seems what people can't understand is that you have been a unit of 5 for 5 years. Sometimes youre a unit of 3. But these extra 2 haven't suddenly just appeared. What people are saying is that surely it wouldn't be a huge surprise to your gran that the kids are now there. It's not completely out of left field. So people are struggling to see why you couldn't ring her up, be honest and have an open conversation with her.

You say you didn't want to guilt her into saying yes etc. Which again, some people think it's just a bit of a dance around an elderly woman, who can think and make decisions for herself.

In any case, you've told her the situation now, and she's not offered to have them. So she knows her mind, and knows she doesn't want them there. So all is fine.