DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Brilliant- that made me snort with laughter.

Some of the suggestions are ridiculous, including the one that OP should go earlier and do all the cooking because of the extra guests.

Meanwhile in real life it's incredibly rude to add two extra people to an invite at the last minute when the hostess is already anxious about the current number, and all 11/14 year olds I know would rather not spend an evening with elderly people they don't know.

No one is suggesting they shouldn't see their dad at Christmas.

It's a random weekend in the year they weren't even supposed to see him. Bit different.

My situation is similar and I understand where you are coming from. I would expect DH to stand by the plans we had made. If we had nothing going on, it wouldn't matter at all.
If he can't change the plans with the mum, he would stay home with the DSC. It's simple as.

I'm not sure why everyone is expecting your Gran to spend so much time with your SC when I'm sure you don't even see her that regularly?! Why is everyone so OTT? The SC will not care to not be invited so why is everyone on here so dramatic 😂

She should just go on her own and leave her husband at home with the kids. I suspect even her own kid would prefer to be at home with step dad and others rather than at a sit down meal with a load of old folk (sounds like her DC would be the only child there)

Jesus wept the man has only agreed to take HIS OWN CHILDREN for the night. Imagine if he’d refused - half of you would be slagging him off for being a deadbeat dad.

There would be nothing wrong if he refused. At the end of the day the children were with their mum on HER day. He’d hardly be a deadbeat for making plans on his non contact weekend and sticking to them in the event of his ex’s non emergency.

In this situation, the comparison would be you prioritising your DH’s family at Christmas when the SC are with him, and fitting your own family in when they’re not.

That is to say, completely the opposite of what you’re being accused of.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve actually been in the situation if turning down Boxing Day invitations because ‘we’ve got the SC on Boxing Day this year, so we’re going to MIL’s’. Because the SC seeing their gran on Boxing Day is the priority.

But even putting the SC’s needs first can be twisted into an evil SM story.

I have also planned events that would be of no interest to DSC around the weekends they should be at their mums.
This doesn't make them left out or me a crap SM. I just don't expect them to sit and be bored doing things with my family or friends that are strangers or not suitable for their ages.

Wouldn't be surprised if DH wouldn't prefer to be at home with the kids as well.

good news then, no need for any women to bother attending all their husband’s family events. MN should put out an announcement. Loads of women will be delighted to know they are no longer required to spend time with their MIL, even if it’s a big event in her life.

If logic didn’t invert so SMs are always in the wrong, you’d think that would make you a good SM. You know, doing terrible things like considering what would be enjoyable for them and planning your life accordingly.

It doesn't matter what he'd prefer to do - he made a commitment to his wife. We all sometimes have to do things we'd prefer not to, because they are important to our spouse.

Still the step mother haters distort what's happening and fall over themselves to be as stupid as possible.

So funny to watch their ridiculous posturing.

He probably thought taking his own kids for the night (to help his ex out) to a family event wouldn’t be a biggie. 🙄

Exactly! It's not "deadbeat" for Dad to stick to the prearranged weekends to have his kids and make plans on the other ones, ffs.

My sons were always very hurt when they were told at Christmas that they couldn't see their father,

Which has absolutely feck all to do with the OP's situation...... 🤷‍♀️

I agree with you OP, it's not your issues it's your OH to sort, he has changed the plans and your original plans now don't work, he has chosen this so he has to fix it, either by staying at home with SC or can tell their mum that he can't have them. If your OH is anything like mine, he won't say to BM that we can no longer have them.
You are not the villain here, and I can tell you care of about step children so I have no idea why you are getting lots of grief, but that typical MN type casting for you.

This with shiny bells on!! 👏🏻

YANBU OP and and you know it. He has to stay at home with them and apologise and explain to your gran why he can’t come anymore. Or explain to his ex wife that he shouldn’t have agreed to have them tonight when he had plans himself.

Could be, but I bet his kids don't think he's a dickhead. In fact I bet they think he's pretty great, which I'm guessing is what is most important to him, as it would be to me.

I do wonder why people who have this very rigid mindset bother getting married to be honest.

You're right. A baby sitter is an excellent idea. Dad needs to tell Mum he can't have them anymore in order to facilitate her night out, and that SHE should organise a babysitter 👍🏻

😂
This definitely doesn't happen in my circles.

But since then he's made a commitment to his children. Absolutely he shouldn't have, but he did and now he/they are stuck with it.

It wouldn't happen in my "circles" but it absolutely would happen in my family. I wonder if the issue is actually that OP isn't that close the gran (which is fine if that's the family dynamic). I know my gran would have been very annoyed to discover that we'd had this issue and hadn't talked to her about how to squeeze them in.

Thought this was already standard MN behaviour

We all (I hope) do things we'd rather not for our other halves and perhaps he was happy to attend. I have no idea of the relationship between her OH and his ex, doesn't sound like 50/50, he could have said no but would that have gone down well? Perhaps the idea of pissing of his ex is seen by him as a bad idea while he tries to maintain a relationship with the kids.