DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

No, I walked into my dresser earlier and now my foot hurts. The concern is appreciated though, and I’m sure with your support I will find the strength to power through.

Theres a difference between offering advice and issuing diktats, by the way. Also, most people have the imagination to realise that their own experiences and expectations are not necessarily those of anyone else, especially when they’ve repeatedly told that this is the case.

Exactly this. Except instead of saying "Mr Gathering is going to have X and Y this weekend" I'd say "WE have X and Y with us this weekend"

First, I hope your foot is okay. I often walk into things and can relate to your pain.

Second, I'm clearly not issuing a diktat. I don't know OP so I have no power to make her do what I think is sensible. But there is little point in posting on a public forum if you don't expect people to reply with their views or advice on how they would handle the situation.

Except Mr Gathering has decided there is no "we" when it comes to his kids.
The mother asked him and he said yes without any pause for thought. OP was not involved in the decision.
So Mr Gathering has the kids.

If it's a proper sit-down meal, YANBU. I'd be fucking pissed off if I was cooking for 8 and one of my guests rang and said they'd be bringing 2 extra people, at less than 24 hours notice. I wouldn't have enough chairs for a start!

If it's a buffet, that's different, and I'd ring them and ask if it's ok and make a couple of dishes to take to add to the food.

@Gathering1 Sorry if I wasn't clear, I can see you are cross with your DH, but other posters didn't seem to realise that...they are too busy being stuck on the DSC not being close family with your extended family. Anyone who's ever been in a blended family situation KNOWS you have to work very hard to make that happen. My EXDP want bothered about it in our case as the parent, so neither was I.

Don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything OP. The minute you mention a situation where DSC aren't prioritised in every instance, even above your resident DC, this board goes mad!

Christ almighty, some of your snarky replies are so immature

Where on earth have I been snarky with you? I said it was different if he was staying home with a sick child which is a comparison you offered. It very obviously is different. That's not snarky.

It's not ideal but OP could take two folding chairs or borrow from the neighbour etc. We're talking about accomodating her stepchildren here (emphasis on the word, children), not two grown adults who have imposed themselves on this event.

Close family to my grandparents which I have said several times.

As a fellow step mother you can't win one way or the other it seems.

However from my personal experience, my stepson is very much part of my family. My extended family see him as their family. In fact in this situation they would probably arrange a date by checking he was with us first so he was included. And this would be my parents, my grandparents, my aunts/uncles and cousins.
But I obviously appreciate families are different.

Uch when you're cooking for eight you might as well cook for 12. And I honestly don't think that if your GRANDCHILD asked to bring their family you'd be raging! And if you were, you'd be being an asshole. Ffs. What is wrong with the world. Were talking about feeding a couple of kids not giving them the family jewels.

What was wrong with the baby sitter idea if bringing the SC along is "impossible".

I doubt that many kids see much of their great grandparents. So step kids who only stay three days a week with OP (in order to spend time with their dad) are highly unlikely to spend time with their step maternal great grandmother. Where would they find the time? And I very much doubt they'd have the inclination.

So no, they are not OP's grandmother's close family, so not to be shoehorned into her wedding anniversary meal at less than 24 hours notice, when she's already stressed.

This is NOT about OP's relationship with her SCs. It's about the her grandmother.
And all those saying what their grandmother would do? Well oddly enough old people are not all the same, and OP knows that hers is a) stressed about the meal and b) is too nice to say no if she was asked if they could come.

I totally get this OP.
I would be extremely annoyed at my DH if he did this.
I honestly think that your DH should be going back to his ex and saying sorry but i cannot take the children tomorrow night. There have been plans in place for weeks and the numbers can not be changed. Sorry.
I think it is unfair of him to back out of the meal which has been arranged as your gran has already planned and cooked for him. Tbh i would be fuming if he did not go.
He is the one in the wrong here and it is up to him to put it right. Yes someone is going to be unhappy but it should NOT be you.

I'm confused by some of these replies, I can't see how you're being unreasonable. It was pretty clear to me that you were saying that your grandmother doesn't consider your step-children to be close family, not that you don't.

Baffled by the 'why are you letting her cook' replies too. Whether or not OP's grandmother finds it stressful to cook, this is what she's chosen to do for her anniversary. Assuming it's quite a formal sit-down meal, it's not unreasonable at all for her to not feel able to cater for more people last-minute. It would be rude in that situation to invite anyone last minute- so say, for example, it was OP's DH who originally couldn't come and then his plans were cancelled at short notice and wanted to come after all. It wouldn't be ok to ask OP's grandmother to rustle up an extra meal for him either.

Different families work in different ways. I would always be delighted for anyone to bring extra people, as would my mum. But my paternal grandmother, for this type of occasion, would have been doing individually plated, fastidiously prepared dishes and would have been terribly stressed if she suddenly had to cook for someone else, because she would have wanted it to be a proper formal meal. I can't imagine being that way myself, but for her anniversary especially, I would respect that it was important to her even if I can't understand it. She wouldn't have wanted people in the kitchen helping her (because she would have thought we didn't think she could cope) and she would have felt obliged to make extra at short notice to be a good hostess.

Yes someone is going to be unhappy but it should NOT be you.

Even more importantly, it should not be the OP's grandparents. They are the most important people here, something which many people seem to be overlooking.

Exactly.

And the number of people saying take a pizza. For fucks sake. The food isnt the fucking point. The late notice, the entitlement of assuming extra guests is Ok and the thoughlessness of the person with a dick.

My mum is a similar age-ish - perhaps even older than this great grandparent. She lives independently, but now panicks at cooking for more than 2 including much from a ready meal. 10 years ago she would have been cooking for 10+ at Christmas. So this might be a big deal for granny. A final (in her mind) family meal. Lets just wish the lady and her family a fantastic evening.

OP - I really hope you all have a lovely evening. Plenty of other times for you and DH to take all DC over to met them.

PS yes contact arrangements - only need to be in place when DC are involved to sort out arrangements. No DC - no contact arrangements needed. Very simple.

Another time recently our son stayed with my parents whilst we took DSC out to cinema and bowling. Again, I'd probably have preferred to be with my son in all honesty but I made the effort to go and spend time with them because it was important to them and my husband.

Forgive me if this is totally inappropriate, but did you post a thread about this a few weeks ago? If so, I remember it - and it does cast your DH’a actions in a slightly different light. He had insisted that you both take the DSCs to something without your DS and that your parents had to look after your joint child. You were reluctant to ask your parents (as they are only able to offer limited childcare) when he could’ve just taken the DSC to the film and you could all (DS included) have gone out for a meal together afterwards - and your DS could’ve gone bowling, but he was insisting your attention would be elsewhere and didn’t want him to come too?

Jesus wept the man has only agreed to take HIS OWN CHILDREN for the night. Imagine if he’d refused - half of you would be slagging him off for being a deadbeat dad.

OP you could’ve just picked up the sodding phone during this lengthy ordeal and checked if it was ok to bring them. I don’t care what PP say about this - the whole thread comes across as though you dislike your DSCs

Fuck sake.

1. Why couldn’t HE have checked if there were no incompatible before agreeing to have his children?


2. They’re his ex’s children too. Why isn’t she a deadbeat mum for palming her kids off to her ex so she can have a social life?


3. Theres no evidence the OP is anything but a lovely SM here - although the knee jerk ‘they’re his children’ response seems to render people unable to read or think.


4. The elderly grandparents here matter too. It’s their wedding anniversary. That’s actually more significant than doing his ex a favour. It should be.

Sorry but do people really do things like turn up at dinner parties bringing extra people who then sit on their phones eating pizza in the background? I'm no etiquette expert but some of these suggestions are really strange and don't seem like real life at all.

No not me, it's something we do a few times. I've never moaned about it either. Might not do it again though now tbh.

fishcakesandcoriander perfectly summarising the awful gender biases which are raging loud and clear in stepfamilies today.

Its no wonder so many stepmums are afraid to speak up.

My sons were always very hurt when they were told at Christmas that they couldn't see their father, because he would be having a 'family party' on boxing day, which didn't include them. They never forgot it. Step families require extra tact and inclusion.