DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

@Gathering1 you keep saying that, as if it's completely unheard of. But yeah, do. There will be times things crop up and it won't suit to go, so don't. Like imagine he had a family event, and everyone was going. Then your child gets sick, I'd just stay at home with the child. He goes with the other 2. No big deal.

I was replying to the comment about no former stepchildren on this post.

I think it's relevant that my DH is not my child's father because I have experience and views about how I expect my child to be treated by my DH's family.

Yes because that's a need. If this was a case of the elder ones being sick so he had to stay with them that's very different. But I'm sure you know that.

Another angle on this - maybe DH has orchestrated having his dc on this particular night, so he doesn’t feel obliged to attend your grandparents’ meal? I would imagine if you live far away as you say you do, he might not have a close relationship with them either, so this is an ideal cop out for him.

If I had plans to go with DH to a family lunch on his side, with kids invited and then my ex asked me to swap weekends so that I had my own DC with me, I don't think it would cross my mind that they wouldn't be welcomed by my DH's family.

But I would call and let them know and offer to bring extra food. If DH told me they would not be welcome as not considered close family, he wouldn't be my DH for much longer.

If I was saying it's terrible for my husband to stay home with a sick step child rather than come to my family event I'd think PP was justified in calling me a cow because obviously that's needed.

Not coming because you'd rather help out your ex and just chill with your kids at home when you've known about this for weeks is extremely different.

If I told him every time he had something on with his family or his kids, at the last minute that actually I'd rather not go anyway and would prefer to spend the time with DS so wasn't going to bother he'd rightly have something to say about it.

Poor kids. Probably don't feel wanted anywhere.

Stepmum doesn't see them as family.

Mums ditching them last minute to party.

Dads probably going to do what his wife says to save an earbending.

11 isn't a teen. The emotional development difference between an 11yo and a 13yo are insane.

To boot the 11 year old may well be anxious about a school transition just now and the 14yo anxious about choosing GCSE options for September.

i really don't see why you can't just take food with you for the teens.

i don't see why they aren't expected to be a part of your family by your wider family- if my DHs family sent an invitation to me, DH, and our youngest and left my eldest out because she's a stepchild to DH, none of us would be going and we would make it clear it's unacceptable to leave her out.

Why were sc not invited? It not being his weekend doesn't matter, they weren't considered, that stinks. They should be considered, if your youngest is invited, they all should be. Different if it's adult only....

well, if he wants to go down that road he can accept, without a single word of complaint, OP immediately ceasing to provide any help to him whatsoever when it comes to his children, or indeed any other member of his family.

But they're only ever 'close family' when it suits, the MN position is that the evil step-mother should have nothing to do with them, especially anything involving a telling off!

Because OP clarified this later on

it’s funny, it’s almost like you and OP are completely different people, with entirely separate family members, and totally different setups when it comes to how your families operate.

Weird.

Stepmum doesn't see them as family

Did I say that?

And presumably you set out your expectations early on with your DP, who agreed with you.

Similarly, neither OP nor her DH have had the expectation that his children be absorbed into her wider family. If it was so important to him he would have addressed it in all the years they’ve been together.

The person you should really be cross with here is your DH. He agreed to look after your DSC without getting the green light that they oils go to your DGM's meal.

While the DSC are your close family, they are NOT close family of your extended family unless you've actively chosen for it to be that way. In 7 years with my EXDP, my DSS never even met my DGM (she lives abroad) before she died. It's ridiculous to suggest that they are.

Your DH should just stay at home with his DC, and you go with your DC. While it's not ideal, it's better than him turning up with two extra stressing out your DGM. In future he needs to check the plans with you before replying how high when his EXDW says jump

I think it's weird that you don't understand that if someone posts on an internet forum, people generally reply with their views, experienced and advice! Are you okay?

@Gathering1 I have read only your posts, not the responses other than bits that you quote from them, but while the perspective you expressed sounds thoughtful, kind and fair, whereas you seem to have received quite a pile-on of criticism.

For what it may be worth, I think that is unjustified, I am entirely in agreement with your perspective on the issues and highly sympathetic with the feelings you have expressed.

@Gathering1 Christ almighty, some of your snarky replies are so immature. Especially given you choose to come into Mumsnet and ask the opinions of others. Then huff and get defensive when people have different views than you.

You've made it abundantly clear that you don't want the kids there. You're fuming with your husband. You're seeing it as a personal affront and deem it means he's picked his ex wife over you. And the million and one posters here that are basically telling you to stop making excuses and just bloody admit it that you don't want them there are are not just being rude, they're reading YOUR posts yapping on and on about a situation instead of just being a grown up and facing facts and dealing with it.

This isn't that big a deal. Grow up.

*oils = could

Ring gran day we have sdc now. Would it be an issue if they came ? If she agrees to them coming ask if you can help.

Well, this thread isn't helping anyone.
OP, you're pissed off, that's clear.
From your point of view your husband made a dick move, arguing with people here about your family dynamics won't change that.
Whether it's the 'right' thing or not, you don't think taking DSC is appropriate, so your options are:
DH stays home with DSC.
DH tells ex he can't have DSC.
Honestly, if the event is soon I feel like DH made his choice here and you need to go to the event with your DS, then later look at why DH made that decision.
Prioritising ex/ not wanting to attend event/ didn't think it would be an issue etc and then go from there.
I hope your grandparents have a lovely anniversary.

The person you should really be cross with here is your DH

Oh I am! If it's sounded like I'm cross with DSC or his ex that wasn't the intention. It's definitely him thats pissed me off.

I find your relationship with your own family a bit weird. This is how this conversation would have happened with my family.

Me: Hi gran it's Gathering. So I'm sorry to be a pain but Mr Gathering is going to have X and Y this weekend after all and obviously he'd still love to come and celebrate with you guys. Is it ok if I bring them along. I can grab some pizzas on the way over for them because I know you've probably organised the food already.

My Gran: Don't be daft Gathering. Of course X and Y are welcome. I should have enough food but if you think they'd prefer pizza do bring some. Looking forward to seeing you all.

The End.

Just tell your DH that he will have to stay at home with his kids and go to your Grandparents alone.

Yes.

"it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's."

So they're not your close family, in your eyes.