DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

I'm with OP on the closeness of step families. Being close to your step parent does not necessitate close relationships with their family. I also agree it may overwhelm the Gran to suddenly have extra guests, particularly those who she doesn't really know.

OP, YANBU to be pissed off with your husband for letting you and your family down. Short of talking to the mum and appealing to her to change her plans, you're stuck with it and your husband should stay home. But the step kids should not be made to feel like they have wrecked your evening.

Again, blended families are not nuclear families

Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

@pawpatrol1

There's no need for personal insults like that.

And I’m sure OP does, but no, she doesn’t ‘have’ to at all. And if she chooses to, it doesn’t mean she ‘has’ to every time. Sometimes her own wants and needs can take priority.

it may not be a massive deal for you, but it is for OP, and it probably would be for Granny when she’s likely organised the night and has preferences for how she’d like her own celebration to run.

Indeed.

I’m exhausted just thinking about how many households kids are expected to be paraded around and all the people they’re supposed to be ‘close’ to.

I'm not bothered if PP thinks I'm a cow. I'm very confident in my relationship with DSC. I get I've not gushed about them here because I was talking about a very specific scenario which actually has absolutely nothing to do with them personally so didn't realise I needed to.

I don't need to explain my relationship to everyone here but I know that we have a good one and I am not a cow to them by any stretch and if you actually saw what I do for them on a daily basis you'd realise how ridiculous that suggestion is. Me and their mum get on well too so she quite clearly is fine with how much of a cow I am to her children 🤣

None of that negates from or really has any relevance to this particular scenario though.

And the SM will be vilified for forcing her family on them, not considering the children’s perspectives and making it all about her and her priorities.

Those poor SC. And their poor henpecked father. Blah blah blah.

When it comes to stepmothers it seems you either have to be Mary fucking Poppins without the paycheck, or you’re the Evil Queen. That’s it. One or the other. No nuance whatsoever.

I’m exhausted just thinking about how many households kids are expected to be paraded around and all the people they’re supposed to be ‘close’ to.

No ex is going to stand for the Dad dragging her kids around the new wife's extended family all the time. She'll say they are there to see Dad, not all these unknowns who won't even leave them the odd thousand or two in the will!

It’s horrific. My step Mum expected - nah, demanded - that I adore her daughter (my Dads step child) as much as my own, actual siblings. Nope. She was someone I would have actively avoided if she were a classmate. Being polite wasn’t good enough.

I did not appreciate having another “sibling” foisted on me when I already had two others. Oh, and I also had a list of things I wasn’t allowed to talk about in front of her. Couldn’t wait to see the back of the pair of them once he divorced her and stop walking on eggshells every damn time I wanted to see my Dad.

Batshit behaviour.

Meanwhile, my Step Dad and his children (some older, one younger, from two previous marriages) were far more relaxed, and as a result, despite him and my Mum also divorcing, we all remain close.

Honestly, most of the comments on here cannot be from former step children or they’d be very, very different.

No one would be expecting you to gush about your own kids on MN. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ffs. No one said she has to put herself second ALL the time but I stand by this not needing to be an issue.

Just let Granny know that you have the SC with you this weekend and will need to bring them because, parenting. And that you will bring more food.

Honestly, most of the comments on here cannot be from former step children or they’d be very, very different.

I doubt most are even step parents tbh.

Former stepchild here and mother of a child with a stepdad.

They almost never are.

They are a nuclear family who came from a nuclear family, who’s spouse also came from a nuclear family.

I cringe myself inside out for them, it’s embarrassing.

I think that’s a safe bet! 🤣🤣🤣

Why don’t you just talk to your gran - she might be disappointed that your DH isn’t coming because you didn’t want to to worry her by bringing two extra kids. I would just explain to her the situation and find a solution. I suppose I would be interested to know how old your grandparents are and there would probably be a different answer if they were 90 rather 70

MN is weird when it comes to attitudes towards kids - you are encouraged to turf your own kids out on their ear at 18 - "they're adults, don't you know"? But your step children have to be treated like the second coming!

Cool. So she doesn’t have to put herself second all the time, and she’s choosing not to on this occasion. What’s the problem them?

And fucking LOL. OP is quite obviously not going to do what you tell her to do, and nor should she. Just because you can’t conceive of why it wouldn’t work for OP and her family, has no impact on the fact that it doesn’t, regardless what level of authority you consider yourself entitled to have over complete strangers.

Because in the same vein of ‘the stepkids aren’t family enough to come with us’, your gran isn’t ‘family enough’ to your DH to put her before his kids. So, he stays home with his kids and you go to your gran’s event. She isn’t his gran at the end of the day.

So not a stepparent then.

Wouldloveanother, thank you, i could not have said it better!

Okay then like I say I'll remember that next time he wants me to do something for his family then.

Well she posted on the internet asking for views. 🤣🤣