DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

My DH has done exactly that and my child has never been seen as anything other than close family to his family. I'd be gone in a second if that were the case.

Maybe it depends what you call close family. To me close family is the family I'm actually you know... close to. The people I know and are special to me and I have bonds with. By that definition they are not close family of my grandparents.

If I asked my step kids if they consider X and Y as their close family I'm sure their response will be 'who?'.

They may be your step children and not your bio children, but they should be treated the same way. Them's the breaks when you have a blended family. Your mum, gran etc may not know them very well but they're part of your family and where you and DH go, they come too. It's a good chance to start to grow a relationship.

thems not the breaks though, not in reality. That may be your ideal, but plenty of blended families function perfectly well without rigid adherence to emulating the structure of a nuclear family, and without trying to force their wider families to take on certain roles they may or may not want to.

Lancsgirl85, why do you think mum had a “social” engagement?? It is not mentioned in the post. Maybe she had to change her shift at work for example??

I get that. But what I'm saying, and what a lot of others have said too, is that you are close family to them. And the step children are your close family, so we don't think it would be weird if they went. Similarly, your husband is not their close family in comparison to many others. But he's married to you, so now he's been accepted into the family. What people are struggling with, is why then can your step children not be accepted in too, without it causing this reaction.

Stay at home or tell his ex he made a mistake. It's right there in my OP.

Ideally I'd prefer him to tell his ex he can't as I think it should be a priority for him considering he's already committed but if not, then stay at home.

I've already said it was a social thing.

I didn't realise I needed to tell everyone the depths of my relationship with my step children otherwise I must hate them

And you didn't 🙄

But it's pretty easy to communicate positive feelings about your DC; you speak of them coldly, as if they are just items to rearrange in your life.

Jesus Christ, PPs need to calm the fuck down.

This is OPs Grandparents. So a tenuous link, at best, as Step GREAT Grandparents.

I never met my Step Great Grandparents, I think they were alive for around a decade after my Mum met my Step Dad.

Am in no way scarred for life, traumatised or even remotely bothered by it.

OPs DH has changed their weekend plans at the last moment and now you all expect an elderly woman to cater for two extra people, two teenagers that she couldn’t pick out of a line up, during the celebratory meal for her wedding anniversary?

Cop the fuck on.

You disagree that they are not your gran's step grrat grandchildren? Do you not think they should be treated as equals?

I think your DH could have been a bit more organised in this scenario, no doubt. But I'd advise him to leave any woman that thought his children should not be considered as part of the family. Unbelievable.

And just ask her what she's cooking FFS.

Or just leave DH and his kids at home.

And what I'm saying is it isn't about who my close family is. It's not my anniversary it's theirs. It's not for me to say 'they are my close family Gran so therefore you must see them the same and actively want them there'. Like it or not they aren't close family to my grandparents. I'm very sure they don't care about that fact as the feeling is mutual.

Presumably not, because your solutions are to ride roughshod over the planned night and force OP into accommodating something she doesn’t want to. And nor should she have to. Her husband chose to change his plans last minute, it’s not up to OP and her family to jump to accommodate that.

and repeatedly saying they’re the grandparents close family does not make it true. They’re clearly not.

They’re not her kids. And even if they were, is she required to gush about how they’re ‘her world’ in every post

No. Of course not - there's a difference between saying you like & care for them greatly & 'gushing'

But 'they're not her kids' line - I just never get this. She's a significant adult in their lives from when they were little. Not her kids, but children she's partly involved with caring for, seeing regularly & who are siblings to her own DC.

They are kids. Your grandparents are adults. They should know about how to treat people that join their family (and I'm sure they do, but you don't want to give them that opportunity!)

Next week there will be another thread where the teen DSCs have decided not to come to Dads any more. They don't want to spend their time with SM's parents/grandparents - because they're not allowed to flop out lengthways on the sofas with their gadgets all evening!

Hi OP

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time here.

I myself am a step child and a very loved one at that. This isn't what this is about.

I think people need to understand not all blended families are the same. It doesn't mean you hate your DSC for goodness sake or are an awful step mum.

I have a very limited relationship with my step grandparents despite being very close to my step father. I see him as my close family but not his parents despite him being with my mum since I was very small.

It is for your gran to decide who is invited. I would totally understand not receiving an invite as the stepchild in this scenario nor would I have expected plans to be changed last minute to accommodate me. At the ages of your DSC I'm sure they understand. I probably wouldn't have wanted to go anyway.

It is also poor form in my opinion to mess someone around like that when they have meal planned and are already stressed about the event. Even more so at short notice.

The options would have been my mum making alternative arrangements for me and my bio brother so she could attend with my stepdad or staying home with me and my bio brother if she couldn't.

Me and my bio brother wouldn't have felt left out, as I said they are not our close family but are my other (step)siblings close family, so I would fully expect them to have been invited even if me and my bio brother weren't. Me and my bio brother have two sets of grandparents and still have a set of great grandparents of our own after all.

Blending does not mean every child have to be included in everything, just like in non blended families. For example if my mum was going to visit one of her friends, where my bio brother got on with the friends son he might have gone and I might have gone to another friends or another family member.

You disagree that they are not your gran's step grrat grandchildren? Do you not think they should be treated as equals?

In a very literal sense yes they are. It doesn't mean they actually know or have any sort of bond with each other though. They are technically my DSCs step great grandparents, I'm sure they don't consider them when talking about their grandparents though.

I have family that have some sort of title i.e. 2nd cousin, step uncle or whatever. I don't actually know them though or really have any relationship whatsoever.

Why would they be treated as equals? Treated kindly when their paths do cross, sure, but they’re not going to be equal to OP’s biological children, to OP or to her family. Presumably they don’t consider OP equal to their mother either, or her grandparents equal to theirs.

Considering that OP’s husband hasn’t been pushing them to ‘blend’ in the five years they’ve been together it’s apparently not been a problem before now, and shouldn’t be some earth shattering realisation.

Attempting to force nuclear family norms on blended families is a seriously fucked up thing to do.

Blended is not nuclear.

Relationships are not the same - even more so the more generations you have around.

Lots of people suggested he should stay at home and you've shot them down.

I think if he'd "realised" his mistake straight away he could do that, but as it seems he agreed to have them a while ago, it's done now, so if it's your preference that he stays home rather than find a way to make it possible for them to come, that's what should happen.

I don't actually think it's about how close you or your family are to the SC, but that he's committed to have them, so, if you're a family you work it out together, if you're not, it's his problem.

We all have to do things for our kids when we don't want to. They're kids. She married the man knowing that she would sometimes need to put her own needs and wants aside because he has children.

It's not even a massive deal to talk to granny and take more food. It's not as though she is being forced to give up her job and move across the world. Such drama.

Thanks for such a great post, @rummynose Like a breath of fresh air.

That last minute change is obviously and issue but op’s view of teens (and 11 year olds) is really off imo. My dc love family get togethers and I think they learn valuable life skills talking to people of different ages. My dc are 14 and dtds are 10 almost 11. None of them would rather be anywhere than with family. We all hang out a lot. Teens are truly fantastic and interesting if you give them a chance rather than stereotyping them.

They haven't joined the grandparents family though. You can't just arbitrarily decide that people have to treat total strangers like blood kin just because someone they are related to, go married!