DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Why is it surprising? They don't see them therefore they don't know them. We don't take them to visit my grandparents all the time, how boring for them.

They are with us 3 nights a week btw just for everyone assuming it's EOW. We tend to do one week with 3 nights during the week and the next with them over the weekend though so they are here EOW which is not surprisingly spent doing things with either us or my husband's family, not mine.

I don’t think I wouldn’t get so upset about this. I would have thought they ought to know your grandparents enough to attend but even if they don’t, your grandparents ought to understand that if they are with you they need to come as well.

I understand about the food side of things but I would just be practical and ask what the menu is. If it is chicken for example offer to bring some extra chicken and potatoes to add to whatever is being cooked and go a bit earlier if necessary.

My dad and SM have been together 28 years. I’ve never met any of her family. I was a teenager when they got together. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t feel excluded or slighted. Never did.

My husband has a step dad, couldn't name you a single person in his family and neither could DH aside from maybe his mum.

Maybe use this as an opportunity for your family (and you maybe) to get to know them better.

While I absolutely agree that it would be lovely and even desirable for your DSC to meet your wider family, this does not seem to be to be the right time.

Anyone who is cooking a celebration meal does not want to hear that there will be two more at the table, at the last minute. That would not be the right kind of atmosphere for the new relationships to get off to a flying start.

Anyone who thinks that the way to add two people to a carefully planned meal is to announce that you are bringing 'a dish' or even some sandwiches does not live in the same world as I inhabit.

I would want to welcome two new members of the family but not at the last minute, not being told there will be two more. Just not that way.

Your partner has made a mistake so he should be offering to stay at home with them and sending flowers and a heartfelt apology that he can no longer make an invitation he has accepted.

Lol. The hysteria and virtue signalling on this thread is beyond ridiculous!

If it is such a problem to include two minor kids of your husband because of change of plans, I pity your husband and his kids. What an unwelcoming family.

And i’m surprised that they need to be. They’re her husband’s children that she is kind to and cares for when they visit, and that’s all she needs to do. Why do they need absorbing into her wider family?

it working for your family and being harmonious does not mean that it would be, or is, some universal truth.

Talking to the gran makes it the gran's problem then and puts her on an awkward position. Better not to imo.

To me it's inconceivable that the OP's family wouldn't understand why she'd need to bring the step children along but I get that every family is different.

I guess my question would be - let's say OP theoretically had two other children, an 11 yr old and a 14 yr old. In this imaginary scenario, let's say they were supposed to be with their dad on the night of this dinner. Dad then suddenly can't have them...would the OP feel OK about suddenly taking along her own pre-teen/teen children to her gran's anniversary dinner or would she get someone to babysit them. or ask her DH if he would watch them while she still went with their younger DC to the dinner?

I'm not intending to give you a hard time OP but my feelings are that you come as a package. They may be your step children and not your bio children, but they should be treated the same way. Them's the breaks when you have a blended family. Your mum, gran etc may not know them very well but they're part of your family and where you and DH go, they come too. It's a good chance to start to grow a relationship.

If you wouldn't take along the imaginary two bio children in this scenario, and would leave them with a babysitter etc, then I'd be less inclined to think you're being unreasonable now.

Basically I think whatever you would do with bio children who you weren't expecting to have for the evening is the stance you should be taking with your step children.

So OP is just going to turn up without the husband and no explanation?

I'm just not sure when all this absorbing is supposed to happen? I've never thought oh I'll take DSC to visit my grandparents an hour away where they'll be bored stiff over the weekend they are supposed to be spending with their dad.

Of course there have been some occasions where they have met a few members of my family i.e. our wedding and they have met my parents a few times but there are rarely situations where they would be with my family enough for them to all be super close and 'absorbed'.

Their time here is rightly spent with their dad and that side of the family.

The amount of contact isn’t really the issue. It’s more that the amount of non-school/work time is more limited than in a nuclear family (as it’s shared with the other parent) and there are more extended families involved. So you prioritise.

It’s really not surprising that you’ve prioritised doing family stuff with your husband’s family in that time, and prioritised time with your family in the time they’re with their mother.

If people loosened their anti-SM pants a bit, they’d maybe see that it’s not ridiculous that the SC don’t know your family at all. They’re so desperate to imagine you’ve lock them in the cellar and feed them weak gruel that they refuse to see that this might be a totally reasonable outcome of putting the SC’s needs first.

I guess my question would be - let's say OP theoretically had two other children, an 11 yr old and a 14 yr old. In this imaginary scenario, let's say they were supposed to be with their dad on the night of this dinner. Dad then suddenly can't have them...would the OP feel OK about suddenly taking along her own pre-teen/teen children to her gran's anniversary dinner or would she get someone to babysit them. or ask her DH if he would watch them while she still went with their younger DC to the dinner?

None of the above. I imagine she would tell their Dad he will have to forget about his last minute social plans as she already has plans herself. Then it's on him to find a babysitter. Which is precisely what OP's DH should have said to the exW!

Lol

🎻🎻🎻

I imagine notice would help on the ‘welcoming’ front. Depending on the sort of night the host wants, last minute additions aren’t always going to be able to be catered for, or desired.

It doesn't matter how much your grandparents see the kids. They are close family because they are YOUR stepchildren. They are their step great grandchildren. It's not that bloody hard.

What is your gran cooking? Can we help with suggestions of what you could take to help bulk up the meal? E.g if it's a roast can you take an extra joint of meet and some roast potatoes? If it's curry, can you do an extra curry (or your DH, obvs)?

There are practical solutions to this.

This is an example of what I mean when I say that some of us lead very different lives.

My family are very welcoming and would be happy to treat a pair of dogs like this: having their own food and not being given a seat at the table for s family meal.

It's not how we would treat humans.

As PP pointed out, in an emergency we would cheerfully sort something out but it's just too much disruption to land two additional guests on a family celebration meal at short notice.

I've never thought oh I'll take DSC to visit my grandparents an hour away where they'll be bored stiff over the weekend they are supposed to be spending with their dad.

Just imagine telling them, "No, you can't bring along your Switch and X-Box, that would be rude. Great Grandma will expect to talk to YOU, not your toys"!!!

They are close family because they are YOUR stepchildren. They are their step great grandchildren. It's not that bloody hard.

I entirely disagree.

I don't know what she's cooking.

You haven't said what you think should happen OP?

He should have said no, he didn't, so what do you think the solution is?

Yes, there are practical solutions. Like their mother cancelling her social engagement to look after her kids on what was originally her own weekend anyway.

My grandparents are all dead so I'm just going to imagine the most recently deceased were still here and in the mix with all the current players as I think it might be fun.
So my maternal grandparents, DHs paternal grandparents, DHs mother, father, stepmother, DHs ex's mother, father, stepmother, my parents, all vying for attention, each on the 50% of the weekends available to the relevant parent, 2 full sets of GDGPs plus MIL and my parents in and around this city, the others spread around 2-3 hours away in 3 different directions. 7 households in total, purely in the grandparental type category, before I chuck in a grand total of 7 uncles, half uncles and step uncles plus 2 half aunts, spread even further, over a geographical area which is about 600 miles long end to end.
Now talk to me about how one child could or should possibly be expected to be close to and maintain meaningful "but they are family" relationships with all these people?
This is an overview of my DSDs actual extended family btw, not made up.
I'd not like to think that any of them would deserve to be vilified for not having as close a relationship to DSD as some MN posters feel they ought.
Things are more complicated for DSD than they ever were for me to draw a family tree, that's for sure. I should know, I once helped her make one for a school project. JFC what a headache.

It’s also not equivalent because the children would be the gran’s great grandchildren anyway.

the equivalent situation is if it’s her husband’s gran and she’s decided to ditch that obligation or invite her children (who don’t know the gran) along because her ex wants to go out on the piss.

Thank you🙌 I dont understand why OP does not get it

I think it’s sad that your family haven’t welcomed your sc and accepted them as family but maybe they are taking the lead from you.