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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH invited step children to family gathering

991 replies

Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 17:30

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 25/06/2022 21:41

This thread is nuts.

It’s not about ‘welcoming the kids into the family’.

It’s about inviting people along to someone else’s catered event at the last minute. You don’t do that.

DH has to do two things.

  1. stay home with the two extra people who weren’t in the original invitation.
  2. check before saying ‘yes’ to unexpected / last-minute changes from his ex.
lancsgirl85 · 25/06/2022 21:43

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/06/2022 21:36

I'm dumbfounded by the crazy expectations put on an elderly lady - probably late 80's, maybe 90's - she has a great-grandchild, people. Here she is, probably her last major attempt at entertaining family. It's either her 50th or 60th wedding anniversary. The big one, the command performance, where ALL the children and grandchildren turn up.

She's been preparing for this for weeks. It's been a long while since she's cooked for so many, and she is worrying about what she might have forgotten. Everything takes much longer now. The eyes don't work so well, the joints are stiff, she need to sit down every few minutes. After this meal, she'll be flaked out for at least a week. But she wants to do this. It's special, really special. Every day now is a bonus, both for her and her husband.

And then.... The day before. A phone call. Can we bring 2 extra teenagers, please? You remember Jane and Peter? You met them at our wedding briefly. You know, the girl with the pink sparkly hair. Oh, they don't eat x, y, z. You can cope, can't you? We can all squeeze up, it doesn't matter that your table only holds 8 people at a push. You don't have enough cutlery and plates? Ah. etc.

Crazy isn't it 😂

Youseethethingis1 · 25/06/2022 21:44

@Mummyoflittledragon
EOW OP will be doing stuff that comes under the category of "doing things for each others family".
This occasion probably won't come again for the grandparents (as a PP said this is likely their 50th or maybe even 60th wedding anniversary) but the DSC will next weekend as planned.
So no, I'd not categorise this in quite the same way as what OP does for DHs family.

Changedagain876 · 25/06/2022 21:44

Cyclebabble · 25/06/2022 18:51

Quite a depressing thread TBH. OP you are entitled to be a little bit put out about the changes at short notice in schedules, but hey shot happens. The fact after five years as a step mother your family do not know these kids is odd and from your subsequent posts it is clear you do not like them very much or really regard them as part of your family. Your choice of language such as "close family" and "our child" and "the step children" demonstrates this. I think you need to consider the wellbeing of your step children as a priority. The DSC are still quite small- 11 is not a teenager.

Agree with this 100% and would add OP you seem to be looking for any excuse. We are talking about two extra children it’s not like DH has invited work colleagues. They’re part of the family. I feel so sad for them. Why shouldn’t he take them at the last minute they’re his children. He probably thought was no biggie for them to come to the meal. Seeing as they are family. Like others said take a frozen pizza. Also wouldn’t your gran be mortified if she knew they’d been excluded? I cannot believe the people defending OP. She’s known the 11 yo since they were 6.

ImAvingOops · 25/06/2022 21:44

Unless it's always the OP who is having to do the accommodating and this has become a flashpoint because once again she's being expected to compromise on something that was important to her?

Abraxan · 25/06/2022 21:45

Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 17:38

It's not just up to me to include them and bring them along though is it? It's not my event.

Your step children are surely a very close part of your immediate family. Surely they should just be an automatic inclusion and be fully welcomed by your parents/grandparent.

Seems very strange for them not to already be a part of your extended family, let alone with your parents.

And an hour is pretty close so it's not like they live in the other side of the country or abroad.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/06/2022 21:46

@WildThing87

It's kind of biographic - based on my step grandmother - a total goddess in the kitchen, but with a disability that meant she couldn't walk more than 20 metres.

jellytot24 · 25/06/2022 21:46

YABVU. They're your stepchildren, they're part of your immediate family - you can't pick and choose when to include them in this way.
I'm speaking from personal experience - my half sisters were bridesmaids at their aunt's (my step-aunt's) wedding 30 years ago. My brother and I weren't even invited. I remember being upset that we weren't invited and all these years later it still stings a bit. Be a grown up and treat them properly.

MeridianB · 25/06/2022 21:46

I totally get your perspective OP and you’re not wrong. You’ve been put in a difficult position by DH. It’s about doing the right thing for your gran on this particular occasion.

It’s shocking that so many posters can’t express their views or enter into debate without being rude. You don’t deserve the horrible responses you’ve had on this thread.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 25/06/2022 21:48

God this is bad and one of the reasons step parents get a bad rep

bloody hell op you’re writing like he invited two random kids off the street. These are his children ffs. What’s wrong with you.

Mamanyt · 25/06/2022 21:48

My ONLY issue with this is the very short notice. Make sure that there will be enough food available, and if not, take something for the stepkids.

Youseethethingis1 · 25/06/2022 21:50

It’s shocking that so many posters can’t express their views or enter into debate without being rude
It's not shocking at all when you consider the level of rudeness and general disregard for other people that is being advised and defended by those posters.

Mum2jenny · 25/06/2022 21:52

I’d go with my dc and leave the dp behind with his kids.

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2022 21:52

Abraxan · 25/06/2022 21:45

Your step children are surely a very close part of your immediate family. Surely they should just be an automatic inclusion and be fully welcomed by your parents/grandparent.

Seems very strange for them not to already be a part of your extended family, let alone with your parents.

And an hour is pretty close so it's not like they live in the other side of the country or abroad.

Show quote history

Why should they be? Kindness on the occasions they do meet, yes, but OP choosing to marry a man with children does not automatically obligate the rest of her family.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/06/2022 21:54

Youseethethingis1 · 25/06/2022 21:50

It’s shocking that so many posters can’t express their views or enter into debate without being rude
It's not shocking at all when you consider the level of rudeness and general disregard for other people that is being advised and defended by those posters.

The generations don't mix these days. All these posters who have zero understanding of the problems of advanced age. They are going to have an almighty shock when their bodies stop doing what they tell them to!

Margo1986 · 25/06/2022 21:54

They are minor children of her husband. They should have been automatically included in the first place. It is bizarre that they dont know your step children and you have been with him five years.

Original poster
Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 21:55

WildThing87 · 25/06/2022 21:39

@Mummyoflittledragon I pointed that out too, but OP hasn't responded so I'm assuming she doesn't believe it does.

No I don't think cancelling pre arranged plans with my family so your ex can go out and you can stay home with your children is the same thing. The celebrating with my family was the thing he would be doing for me even if he wasn't thrilled about it and yes on this occasion I think he should prioritise that.

My son is also my husband's child but some examples of recent times...

Going to his grandads 90th, not much fun for a toddler and not really the right set up so he stayed with my parents whilst I went. Wasn't thrilled at the prospect of spending the evening with DHs 'wrinklies' but hey he's my husband so I went. I wouldn't have turned around last minute and said you know actually I'd prefer to stay home with DS because I don't actually want to go anyway.

Another time recently our son stayed with my parents whilst we took DSC out to cinema and bowling. Again, I'd probably have preferred to be with my son in all honesty but I made the effort to go and spend time with them because it was important to them and my husband.

I'll make sure next time that DH knows I'd rather not go anyway so 🤷‍♀️

There are plenty of times I've done things for DH which aren't super exciting for me. So no I don't really care if he'd rather not actually be there, he should be able to spend one evening doing something he'd perhaps rather not do for my family.

I guess he'll have to stay at home. But I don't agree with poster's that it's totally fine for him not to come because it would be shit for him anyway. SO?! Like I say, I could list you lots of things I've done for him that weren't the most thrilling thing I can think of doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 21:57

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 25/06/2022 21:48

God this is bad and one of the reasons step parents get a bad rep

bloody hell op you’re writing like he invited two random kids off the street. These are his children ffs. What’s wrong with you.

Because it's not his place to invite anyone no matter who they are?

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 25/06/2022 21:57

Bit it's not her dinner party. Now the gps would have been happy to include the kids if they'd had proper notice but even if they weren't, that's their prerogative. It's not reasonable to expect them to redefine their concept of close family because their granddaughter has married someone who has children. A couple might choose to be in a blended family but you can't make those choices for everyone you are related to as well.
Now it's obviously lovely and ideal if everyone is seen as part of one big family but that doesn't always work out if people don't live in close proximity and see each other regularly.
Step mums are allowed to have some things of their own, including their husbands attendance at pre agreed events.

Abraxan · 25/06/2022 21:57

Why should they be? Kindness on the occasions they do meet, yes, but OP choosing to marry a man with children does not automatically obligate the rest of her family.

I'm just very surprised that the op has been with this man since the children were just 6 and 9, so very young, and they haven't been absorbed into their family.

Whilst I don't have any step children my extended family has blended families and everyone is just included. Makes life much easier all round and more harmonious for all in my experience.

lancsgirl85 · 25/06/2022 21:57

Margo1986 · 25/06/2022 21:54

They are minor children of her husband. They should have been automatically included in the first place. It is bizarre that they dont know your step children and you have been with him five years.

No it isn't bizarre. I've been with my partner for 7 years and his kids have never met my grandparents. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 21:59

Margo1986 · 25/06/2022 21:54

They are minor children of her husband. They should have been automatically included in the first place. It is bizarre that they dont know your step children and you have been with him five years.

And comments like this is why I keep referring back to them not being close family of my grandparents.

Because why? Why should they have been automatically included/had the weekends swapped so they could come or whatever else has been said? Why? My grandparents don't know them. They are not their close family. My family yes, theirs no. It is their anniversary.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 25/06/2022 21:59

Margo1986 · 25/06/2022 21:54

They are minor children of her husband. They should have been automatically included in the first place. It is bizarre that they dont know your step children and you have been with him five years.

Wakey, wakey, Covid remember. For the last 2yrs and 3 months, my elderly relatives have been keeping pretty much to themselves. I expect many great grandparents have been doing much the same.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/06/2022 22:01

Youseethethingis1 · 25/06/2022 21:44

@Mummyoflittledragon
EOW OP will be doing stuff that comes under the category of "doing things for each others family".
This occasion probably won't come again for the grandparents (as a PP said this is likely their 50th or maybe even 60th wedding anniversary) but the DSC will next weekend as planned.
So no, I'd not categorise this in quite the same way as what OP does for DHs family.

I get all of that. Op is refusing to even talk to her gran when someone has to and it would much better come from her than her dh. And sooner rather than later so that her gran can process the situation and decide what she’d rather do. Accepting the current reality and doing something about it is doing things for her family and her dh’s. At 11 and 14, the dscs aren’t little and shouldn’t be told last minute. Op has options, eg go over and help her gran, go alone, take pizza and everyone etc. But not talking to her gran shouldn’t be one of them.

bellac11 · 25/06/2022 22:02

Quite honestly you sound like you dont like him and you dont like his kids and you're a right martyr.

However, if Ive got my maths right the 'do' is tomorrow so perhaps you're just stressed

You asked in your OP whether youre being unreasonable and most people have said yes you are but instead of think about how you might have that conversation or think about talking to your husband again or whatever, you just argue with people.

As someone else said, good luck OP.