DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Thats not what OP said, she said that if it was planned on a weekend the step kids were with them, then they would be invited and it would be fine

Why its not fine now I cannot fathom

But as Ive said before, they should be left to have pizzas and popcorn or something and others have also pointed out that it would be quite a boring meal for them anyway, teens or pre teens are not mega keen on old people!

@MissyCooperismyShero but that's not what OP has said. OP has already said that the gran would have invited them if it was the weekend they should have been there.

But it's not. Except now it is. And OP is pissed off. One minute OP is saying gran would be fine be it, then the next is outraged because they're not grans close family so shouldn't be there.

Of course she has every right to decide who comes to her celebration. But again, it's not absolute randoms. It's two children that are part of their granddaughters family.

At the end of the day, OP can just go without DH. If he wants to be with his kids, then let him, and she can go enjoy the time with her family. But I think this rant, with the various excuses and this and that thrown in, is just OP being pissed off as she doesn't want them there. Can't see why she can't just tell her husband that, and then he stays at home. Yeah it's shitty he was meant to be there, but he's either there with them or he's not there. All this crap about manners is just ridiculous. She doesnt want them there, end of.

Do you need to understand? If this is what the gran wants to do then what’s the problem?

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Stressful or not, she wants to cook for her close family. The stepchildren are not her close family, and it is rude to land two extra people on someone on short notice, when they’ve likely organised for a set amount of people. Not only that but they don’t know the stepchildren particularly well (do they need to? Their granddaughter choosing to marry a man with children does not mean they’ll automatically develop a relationship with those children, or are obliged to consider them close family), and that is something that absolutely will change the dynamic of the evening. Maybe that’s acceptable in some families, but that doesn’t make it a universal experience or the only ‘right’ way to be.

Just because she’d likely say yes out of politeness does not mean OP should ask it of her.

I hope the step-children don't know anything about what's going on. Think how they would feel.

Yes, everybody should absolutely change their plans to accommodate the man who can't stick to his commitments

How do you know she wants to go out? Maybe she had to change her work shift? Maybe the mum is the primary carer shielding most of the responsibility so it was not unreasonable for the dad to accomodate her?

As lancsgirl85 says.. how about a bit more communication and generosity.

In my family it would have gone something like, 'ok how can we make this work?' and the DSC would have been absorbed into the occasion.

I don't fully believe the two extra mouths are the whole problem - I suspect if the two extras had been people related to the anniversary couple they would have been more happily accommodated.

But of course the DSC are related to OP, her DH and her DC. Perhaps OP, take a deep breath, get stuck in and help make it work.

I think it's really rude to turn up with two uninvited guests or ask if they can be included.

DH messed up so make him stay home with your darling DSC.

Problem solved.

@WildThing87

OP said gran would have been fine with advance notice of them coming:

Yeah it just fell on a weekend they weren't here. If it had been another weekend I would have said 'X and Y are with us then is that alright' and I'm sure with notice she'd have said yes. But the day before when I know she's already stressed about it I think it's shitty.

It's the last minute-ness of it that makes it not OK for her gran, from what I've read.

It takes a certain type of person to marry someone who already has children and treat them as their own.....we can't all be that type of person.

Actually his children are his commitment. Moreso than his partners nan.

But this is all flim flam anyway, one minute the nan would be happy for them to come if it had been planned next minute it shouldnt be expected because they're not her close family and it would change the dynamic, one minute it would have been ok and been a table big enough but if its last minute suddenly the table has shrank and cant accommodate them.

No it is not. He is invited and they are his kids not some strangers. If this is a problem for the family, then he should stay at home with the kids.

they may have been, sure. Being related means they would have likely built at least a closer relationship with the grandparents, meaning they wouldn’t essentially be two strangers just showing up at short notice.

some people are happy with ‘more the merrier’ gatherings where plans change at short notice and extra people turn up, but others prefer having a set plan made in advance and/or a smaller intimate gathering. Sometimes, shockingly, people can like both depending on what sort of celebration they want.

The kid's mother gets to spend the majority of her time with them. So it's not that strange for her to choose a social event on this one occasion. Whereas their dad only gets them EOW, so I am sure misses them more and values the chance to see them when he can.

All the best op

I get that. Who likes last minute changes of plans? No one. But kids, step children or not, mean plans change all the time.

This has been made into some massively convoluted drama, when really the point is OP doesn't want them to be there. So all she can do is be honest and tell her husband that and then they figure out what they do next.

Yeah... I sure hope they don't know their mum chose a social event over her weekend with them. Poor kids.

@WildThing87
My interpretation is that the grandparents don't see the DSC as close family so they wouldn't necessarily be saying "oh, if you don't have the kids on our actual anniversary we will just celebrate the following weekend" or "can you ask their mum to swap so they can join us please?".
But if they were meant to be there the night of the dinner that would have been known in advance and catered for in terms of food and seating etc (in my house getting to ten bums and then adding another two would involve the ironing board, rearranging the furniture and someone bringing chairs from home so advance notice required).

plans may change when children are involved, and they clearly did for the husband when it came to his children. That doesn’t mean OP or her family are obliged to suck it up and accommodate said changes of plan to suit her husband.

I'm dumbfounded by the crazy expectations put on an elderly lady - probably late 80's, maybe 90's - she has a great-grandchild, people. Here she is, probably her last major attempt at entertaining family. It's either her 50th or 60th wedding anniversary. The big one, the command performance, where ALL the children and grandchildren turn up.

She's been preparing for this for weeks. It's been a long while since she's cooked for so many, and she is worrying about what she might have forgotten. Everything takes much longer now. The eyes don't work so well, the joints are stiff, she need to sit down every few minutes. After this meal, she'll be flaked out for at least a week. But she wants to do this. It's special, really special. Every day now is a bonus, both for her and her husband.

And then.... The day before. A phone call. Can we bring 2 extra teenagers, please? You remember Jane and Peter? You met them at our wedding briefly. You know, the girl with the pink sparkly hair. Oh, they don't eat x, y, z. You can cope, can't you? We can all squeeze up, it doesn't matter that your table only holds 8 people at a push. You don't have enough cutlery and plates? Ah. etc.

The children weren't his commitment this weekend though. He had a commitment to his wife.
And it's not her responsibility or the nans to change their plans because of him!
The OP hasn't said anything about not being fond of her step children. But she is entitled to feel they aren't family to her grandparents and that it isn't appropriate to bring them to her grandparents dinner party at this level of notice. I think people are reading more into it than is really there just because the OP isn't gushing that she loves her stepchildren the same as her own child(which would be weird unless she'd raised them from babyhood full time).

You’re in a blended family and sometimes these sort of things happen, I imagine. Doesn’t this come in the category of doing ‘things for each others family every now and then’?

@Mummyoflittledragon I pointed that out too, but OP hasn't responded so I'm assuming she doesn't believe it does.

@SpaceshiptoMars that really made me chuckle. 10/10 for imagination. My sister runs a creative writing course, she'd love you!