DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Yes I think yabvu. I was that stepchild. Unwanted by both parents new partners.
Your husband shouldn't have to ask your permission to have his kids. It's great that he said yes to extra time with them. You're going to see family not out on the town so if your kids can come then his should too. Imagine you only saw your child at weekends or every other and you were offered extra time, sure you'd say yes. Any decent parent would. Dont make his kids feel like unwanted burdens. They won't forget once they grow up and can cause alot of issues like low self esteem. I see this attitude too much eith step mums, friends of mine I've seen do the same, get with someone with kids, actcall nice to his kids at the beginning until marriage or new baby then begrudge the stepkids and try and reject them. It's wrong no matter what excuses you make. Either let the kids come and take extra food or let your husband stay home with them. Don't try and get in to battle with mum over who has them and make them feel unwanted. Also guessing mum has them majority of time so I wouldn't begrudge her a night out.

@Gathering1 I can see why you are annoyed with your dh. He has totally disregarded your long standing family plans for a time when his children were supposed to be with their mother.
Your grand parents would want you to go. You are their grand daughter & you should be there.
Why not go & arrange to stay over with your parents. Leave dh at home with all three of his children. Enjoy the time with your family. Make your way home leisurely some time the next day.

He cannot complain. He wants to spend time with his children and you can give him this. And in future do nothing for him & his family if you don't want to.

YANBU.
Of course the OP can't just descend on her elderly grandparents who are already stressed at entertaining with 2 more mouths to feed at such short notice. It's completely unfair on the grandparents.
Tell your DH to sort it out.

Shouldn't they get to decide how they want to spend their anniversary? Plenty of people have anniversary parties.

The OP’s child is her husband’s child. His family is the child’s family.

Inviting people to a wedding is different too. If it’s a tiny wedding, then people don’t usually get +1s to bring people the bride and groom don’t know, however close they are to the person invited.

The whole thing was planned for a time when the SC weren’t supposed to be with their father. He’s the one moving the goalposts.

Its not 'incredibly rude', thats childish talk.

it happens, particularly where kids are concerned, things change, things get cancelled, people get ill, people have to pick up things they werent expecting or didnt think was a problem.

Its every excuse under the sun, either the nan would be fine with it 2 days ago, or wouldnt be fine at all, and either they're considered OPs family or not but one minute thats relevant and the next its not.

Hopefully he does not treat your child like you treat his children
Well, OPs child is his child in exactly the same way as the elder two in the sense that he fathered all three of them, unlike OP who only birthed one of them.

You can’t ask to bring extras at this late stage. DH has screwed up here. He needs to organise childcare and leave his two at home, where they will be happier anyway. Can anyone come and keep an eye on them? If not he has to stay home.

@Gathering1

I kind of thought we just did things for each others family every now and then even if it didn't absolutely thrill us

Surely you've just solved your own problem here. Your husband wants to have his kids this weekend. You're not happy about it but as you say, surely you just do things for each other's family every now and then even if doesn't absolutely thrill you.

She certainly does have a moral responsibility to them, she is a significant figure in their life and the mother of their siblings.

All the anniversaries I've heard of is couples going on holiday/ meal out as a twosome. I don't understand why someone would want to cook for everyone it's supposed to be a celebration of their love. Why is is creating more stress for herself on what is supposed to be a day for her and her husband ?

People are acting like he's invited absolute randoms to dinner. He hasn't. He's invited two members of your family.

Or... people are acting like he has been disrespectful to OP by changing their plans with no discussion, especially knowing a dinner is being cooked and there are now 2 additional guests to feed. To me that's common courtesy, and in my house it would have gone something like:

DP: "ExW has asked me to have DSC this weekend last minute - just wondering if it would be alright with your Nan if they came along as she won't be expecting them ?"

Me: "I'll check with her, should be fine...How come the plan has changed anyway?" etc.

We discuss these things, is my point. DP doesn't unilaterally make changes and neither do I.

I don't think you're being U in the slightest.

Your gran wants to do a special sit-down meal for those people she's invited to her home: it'd be weird as fuck for your two step kids to be sitting there lowering wedges of pizza into their mouths.

He needs to stay at home with his kids. I doubt your gran really cares if he's there or not.

Just go on your own with your dc, he can stay with his dc.

It's fairly common on mn for step children to be his responsibility or her responsibility and not common responsibility after all to most mn they're not real family.

It's poor timing and I'd go with him staying at home. Hopefully though there are many homes where step children are valued.

And again, people telling OP she can get in the kitchen to help spread the load. None of this situation is of her doing, but she should take on extra work to make it all okay?
Maybe gran doesn't want people in her kitchen helping her or getting under foot. Maybe gram would just like to have the event she planned, with the people she invited. The fact that her granddaughter married a man with children, doesn't oblige her to change her own arrangements just because that man has no manners!

Is it too late for you to host the anniversary meal OP, get your family to bring round dishes and celebrate for your nan and grandad?

I imagine they'd prefer to be anywhere else tbh and wouldn't have appreciated us rearranging their weekend with their mum so they could attend a meal with random people they don't know.

As a teenager I couldn't think of anything more boring than spending a Saturday with my grandparents, never mind someone else's grandparents! Lol. Surely at their age they'd be happy to be left at home alone without their dad?

No Gran doesn't feel they belong there and that's why she hasn't asked them. Or should she not get to decide who comes to her celebration?

OP, my understanding was that your son was the child of your husband. Is he actually your child from a previous relationship of whom you have shared custody?

If he is the latter, and you nonetheless turn down additional opportunities to spend time with him in order to prioritise events with your husband's family, then yes your husband is being unreasonable not to do the same I suppose.

If your son lives with you most or all of the time, what are these occasions where you prioritise seeing your husband's family over your son? Where does your son go on these occasions?

And again, people telling OP she can get in the kitchen to help spread the load. None of this situation is of her doing, but she should take on extra work to make it all okay?

It's amazing, isn't it😂😂

Meanwhile, the kids' mother, who has chosen a social event over her own weekend with the kids, gets a free pass. 🤔

It sounds as if the first part of the conversation did take place

is it ok if the kids come?

its OP who has said she wont check with her nan to see if thats ok or not, thats why they're in that situation where they think they have to find an alternative situation becuase she wont ask her nan

So now they're stuck with either him not going which she doesnt want, or them staying on their own, which someone has said cant happen

So their mum is a shit mum for dumping her kids so she can go out?

Lots of people have anniversary parties. I remember going to my grandparents Ruby anniversary on a boat.

I wouldn't arrange to have my dc when I had plans elsewhere. I think it's a bit weird/clingy/martyrish to be so desperate to see your dc you would cancel long standing plans with your wife and inlaws because your ex wanted you to babysit. I don't think it's normal that they can't just come along to OPs grannies house either. Step families are shit. Dcs are held up as these precious all consuming mini gods due to the fact they're not around all of the time. Shit for the parents, step parents and kids. So glad my ex treats my dc like normal.

I really don’t see the big deal.

Its just a meal with your family and I’m sure they’ll be happy you’re there with or without him and it will probably be nice for them to see you without him.

It will also be nice for him to have some alone time with his kids too and his ex isn’t missing out on what she wanted to go to.

@bellac11

I didn't get the impression he'd asked if it was OK if they came? Unless I've missed it elsewhere in OP's updates, but the OP reads very much like there was zero discussion in advance:

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.