DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

See this is what's been grating on me in this thread. All the stuff about how rude it is, about the stress it'll put your gran under etc. it's clearly not about any of that.

It's because you feel they don't belong there. So in that case, you should probably be sitting down with your husband and discussing boundaries in which your comfortable to have them around, and when you're not. Surprised this hasn't come in in the past 5 years already.

They aren't considered close family by my grandparents. They don't know them. Why should they consider people they don't know as their close family? I don't get it. There are loads of people technically in my family who I don't consider close family.

It's like people think they should be considered close family just to be PC or something. Nevermind whether they are actually close or not.

Even so, imo a prior discussion before he agreed this change of plan with his exW would have been courteous. Especially knowing someone is cooking dinner and will need to know about the extra numbers etc.

But they are your step children, you keep referring to them as your husbands children as if you have no responsiblities to them, they are your step children. In the same way that your child is your family, your step children are also your family.

A lot of these replies made me snort. Missing the point and /or being unrealistic. OP, just tell your OH he'll have to either tell his ex he can't, or miss out on the dinner.

But HE will probably think he's being reasonable so expect a pout.

And where did I say the children were only his family? The only reference I made to "his family" in my OP was to say that it would be different if the meal were for his family as in it were his grandparents.

But you just said as well that if it originally had been a weekend when the step children were there, that your nan would have invited them? Your posts dont make sense

so what? But the children are YOUR close family and they should be welcoming them as they are welcoming your own child. I wonder how would you feel if your husband and his family were excluding your child. If you are inviting someone to a wedding, let’s say your friend, you are inviting them with a partner! Even though you might not know the partner at all.

I've actually referred to them as step children and DSC multiple times but okay, you cherry pick to your heart's content.

Anyway...this isn't about who is my family. Of course the children are part of my family. That doesn't make them my grandparents close family though does it?

Because she would have said that was fine.

But poster's keep insisting that they are close family which is what I'm disagreeing with. They aren't, not to my grandparents.

They aren't considered close family by my grandparents. They don't know them.

I get it, OP. My grandparents haven't even met my dsc! My parents have met them a handful of times, but they certainly don't consider them "close family". Them being in my immediate family doesn't make them instantly bonded to my extended family!

Great... But this isn't a wedding.

I expect your husband would far rather spend time with his own children than with your grandmother, so why doesn't he just stay home with his kids - what's the problem?

If I was due at an event for one of dh's family and the opportunity came up to have my daughter for an extra night came up (I share custody) I would agree to have my daughter without a second's hesitation. I might, out of politeness, offer to bring her with me to the family event, but if it turned out that for catering reasons that was difficult I'd probably be thrilled.

I do like DH's family. But no way would I prioritise an event of theirs over the opportunity to spend time with my kid. And he wouldn't for a second expect me too. The sentiments you are expressing here seem very strange, OP. You seem to think your husband should value your gran's event over time with his kids!

If your nan would have said it was fine, then what relevance is it whether they are 'close family' or not?

Setting aside the stepchildren. I'm sorry but who cares about attending their grandparents anniversary? Why is your GM cooking dinner for you all? Shouldn't they be doing something together just them?

11 is nowhere near a teen

That's fine. At least I now know what's acceptable in this scenario and shall make sure I prioritise spending time with my son any time something comes up with DH family or DSC as I kind of thought we just did things for each others family every now and then even if it didn't absolutely thrill us but looks like I was incorrect.

I fully get that that they're not your grandparents close family, of course they're not. But they're YOUR stepchildren, they're their great grandchild's siblings, they're not some random joe bloggs picked up off the street.

People are acting like he's invited absolute randoms to dinner. He hasn't. He's invited two members of your family. I really can't see how it would be in the slightest bit a big deal if they come along. In my family, it would have been asked are they coming, nope not here this weekend. Then oh sorry change of plans. And the response would be ah ok great, looking forward to seeing them. Would not be a big deal at all.

But again, as I've said before, the entire dinner itself has clearly stressed your gran our from what she's been saying to your mum, so I struggle to see why the onus has been on her to cook tor everyone anyway.

I think the point is being missed her because people are so outraged at the thought you’re treating your step children like outsiders to your family when they point is the OP has been put in the very awkward position of asking her gran to cater for two extra people at the last minute. Even if these two teenagers were her biological children who had initially said they couldn’t make it but then the day before change their minds, it’s a rubbish situation to put the OP and her gran in and it’s incredibly rude.

Because people keep banging on about how they can't believe I don't consider them close family which is not what I've said or how they can't believe they were expressly invited in the first place as they are my grans family which they aren't.

It is an example. Your and your family attitude stinks. I would not want to be a part of that kind of family. Hopefully he does not treat your child like you treat his children. Oh

In the same way that your child is your family, your step children are also your family.

That's just not true though. There's a world of difference. The OP has no legal or moral responsibility towards her step children - if she and her husband split up tomorrow, she would have no right to see them and no financial, legal or social obligations towards them. The only responsibility the OP has is to be kind and welcoming to the children when she sees them.

You say the problem is the short notice - if you'd asked your Gran earlier she'd be fine.
So speak to your Gran and tell her the situation. If she says fine bring them along then take them. Why is it a problem if she chooses to be 'nice'? She's fully grown up, let her make the decision. If she says bring step children you could join her in the kitchen to help spread the load.
It might also be about time your family got to know your DC's siblings.

This!!! I feel like a broken record but I just cannot get my head around the face this woman is having to cook for people, for her own celebration, especially given she's been vocal about how it's stressing her!