DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

I'm clearly talking about where there is a conflict of interest
Not the same conflict as OPs DH. His conflict of interest is between his ex and his wife. And he placed his ex first. Her newly confirmed social event ahead of a long standing plans with his wife. This is what makes him a dickhead. The kids will be fine either way, with their mum or with their dad. Nobody has suggested he should place his childrens actual needs ahead of his wifes family meal.

Yeah she can, you're right. Not sure on the point of your post tbh.

Yeah she can, you're right. Not sure on the point of your post tbh

Really not sure of the point of yours.

YANBU so many people commenting as usual who have no idea what being a step parent is like and the complexities. Your DH has forgotten and said yes when he should have said no to having kids. Easy mistake to rectify by him. Why has can’t he just tell his x he had forgotten you have plans?

It's not about checking if it's OK, it's about honouring any existing commitments. If he has no respect for pre existing plans with his wife, why bother being married? He might as well just live as a single Dad and do his own thing. It's common decency and respect for each other to not just drop existing plans with no communication or discussion. Thank fuck my relationship doesn't work like that.

Go without him then your gran doesn’t have to worry about not having enough food like you said. Doing her a favour.

Im sure he would rather spend time with his kids as they are close family where as your gran and family obviously are not.

@lancsgirl85 surely if the mum has plans and needs a babysitter, the first port of call would be to check if the father wants them? which she has done. And he's said yes he does.

Even OP has said the mum has done nothing wrong here.

How fragile is the family that inviting 2 extra young people who should be accepted as part of the family causes stress?

Well at least we're on the same page about that then aren't we.

Precisely this!! He has put the ex's wants ahead of pre existing plans with his wife. That's extremely shitty. It makes no odds to the kids which home they are at, and they were originally supposed to be at mums.

That “better offer” is spending time with his children, you know the ones that existed when you got together with him?! Does it really matter that you weren’t supposed to have them this weekend? You can sugarcoat it all you want but it just sounds like you want your family to coo over your child and have nothing to do with them. Poor kids.

Yes its quite incredible, I think someone else even referred to it as being 'double booked', like as if they're a business appointment!!!

Well yeah. Dad is a dick for agreeing to do it without even speaking to OP, I agree entirely! But someone suggested Dad pay for a babysitter which I think is completely not on, when Mum is the one who changed the plan in the first place so she could attend a social event. She should pay, not Dad.

Perfect time for your close family to get to know said DSC.

It is nice that you called his children his family and not yours and also that they are not considered by your family as your close family to be invited.

@lancsgirl85 the existing commitment is a family dinner. The kids are his family, and I'm sure he's assuming they're his wife and sons too. So clearly, which we all know by what OP has told us, sees nothing wrong with them coming to a family event.

It's not like they're going out to dinner with a group of friends and he's randomly decided his kids are coming. They're going to a family dinner. Yes, not the kids direct family, but one they've essentially been part of 5 years anyway.

That “better offer” is spending time with his children, you know the ones that existed when you got together with him?!

No you know what I actually never knew they existed first... Wow, thank you so much for that insightful piece of wisdom.

What does that change?

Seeing my son is the better option to a lot of things I do for my husband and his family and his kids. I guess at least I know now that I can put spending time with my son above anything and everything for my husband's family. I'll make sure to do that in the future. See how well it goes down.

YANBU OP.

Your DH is being inconsiderate AF.

It’s clearly not you having an issue with your DSC, but on MN an SM will always be wrong! X

Blended families are such a tough one in these situations...just to be clear we are a blended family.
In terms of family celebrations us and wider family always invite all the kids. We then check to see if we have 2 kids or 4 and then always ask if the step children can come along. If they cannot as mum has plans then we give that feedback.

I think your family should really be embracing your blended family, but I know not always easy. However I would be very frustrated if my husband changed days without checking what plans we had. That's not me not loving and caring about all our kids...but that sometimes we have plans with family or book tickets etc and cannot make changes at a moments notice.

I think you should chat to DH about agreeing to changes without checking plans, and also start integrating as a wider family. Hope you get sorted as I know how frustrating things get in these situations

the existing commitment is a family dinner.

A small and intimate anniversary dinner for close family of my gran and grandpa. Who, my DSC who they barely know, are not.

That “better offer” is spending time with his children, you know the ones that existed when you got together with him?!
Do you know also existed when the DH got together with OP?
Her grandparents.
Gotcha. Aren't I the clever one.

Wait. Your parents or grandparents wouldn't welcome your children visiting them unless they had more than a few days notice? 🤔 I can't imagine turning any family member away from a get together, even with only 5 mins warning.

OP, have you told your husband to call his ex and tell her he can't have the kids? Or told your husband that he's letting you down, when you've done plenty of things you'd have preferred not to, for his sake?
Because in the end it doesn't matter what we all think, it's the conversation with your husband you should be having.

I get it OP and think it’s awkward if you have plans to go to someone’s house for food to town invite two extra people at the last minute. Your DP will have to stay at home with his children or if you think it won’t stress your gran out too much you could explain the situation to her and just ask her if you can bring anything to help out with the extra catering.

As I've said, if it were a weekend we were supposed to have them I'd have told my gran and she'd have said they could come I've no doubt. The last minute thing is what makes this an issue.

I don't personally agree that they should have expressly invited them and we should have asked their mum to swap weekends so they could be there but each to their own. I imagine they'd prefer to be anywhere else tbh and wouldn't have appreciated us rearranging their weekend with their mum so they could attend a meal with random people they don't know.