DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Because she wanted to? It's her and my grandpa's evening and this is what she wanted to do. She is allowed to decide what she'd like to do for her own anniversary you know?

@Margo1986 He's been a dickhead to his wife though because he's disregarded the commitment he made to her and seems to think it's okay to just spring his kids on her grandparents, which is quite entitled behaviour, frankly.

@Honeyroar thays just lovely for you.

but maybe the other way isn’t wrong either.

in fact, it’s perfectly possible that many SC actively resent having their contact time taken up by their SM’s family.

which is to say that people have to make the best decisions for their circumstances. And crying ‘evil SM’ at people who’ve made different - but equally child centred - choices is frankly unacceptable.

So many of the responses on this thread are AWFUL to the OP or about SM’s in general. It’s not ok.

^^ no, because mums are angels and stepmums are villains. Obvs.

feeling dizzy from all the eye rolling reading the frighteningly predictable “you must hate the stepkids” nonsense.

OP’s husband has double booked himself.he’s mucked up.

1. he stays home with kids


2. he tells ex he’s fucked up and can’t have kids after all (guess it depends on reason why ex needed him to have kids as to whether that’s possible.)


3. OP calls her Nan and explains IF she feels comfortable doing so. But if she doesn’t then that’s fine.

None of this has any bearing on how much she likes her stepkids. It’s about manners and feeling rude taking extra guests to a dinner at last minute.

OP - sending 💐

Ahhh ok. See me and DH put the needs of our children first every single time. I'd feel sad to do anything else as it's how I was brought up and my self esteem and self belief is sky high as a result.

Needs come first, yes. That's why I said "except emergency situations".

In my hypothetical situation, the DSC don't "need" their Dad, because they are in the care of their mother, who is perfectly adequately caring for them. She just wants to go out last minute. Tough, because we have plans. So they stay with their mum. Their needs are still perfectly adequately met.

You honestly can't differentiate between needs and unnecessary arrangements and changes to plans? And you think that these must be honoured every single time despite your own plans? And moreover that this is the pathway to creating high self esteem in children.....? Interesting perspective.

That is projecting an evil SM
trope onto the OP. There’s nothing here to suggest she’s not a perfectly nice SM.

They’re not her kids. And even if they were, is she required to gush about how they’re ‘her world’ in every post?

Why couldn’t the mum have the children

I'm not bothered that she asked at all. Its a social thing btw but regardless she wasn't wrong to ask. I think he was wrong to say yes without checking considering we'd made plans.

Normally they should have just been invited but I can see how adding two people at this short notice would stress your gran out. Either your dp stays at home with them or he explains to his ex that sorry it’s not convenient as plans have already been made and they’re welcome next weekend instead etc

Those saying he's pandering to the ex wife, and he should have said no etc, couldn't it just be that he's been offered the chance to see his kids so took it? He wants to be with his kids and spend time with them. Tbf most fathers I know would rather hang out with their kids than their in laws.

I'm clearly talking about where there is a conflict of interest. If I had suggested bringing my DC to a family meal and my DP said they weren't welcome (for whatever reason), of course I'd choose to spend the evening with my DC.

But no my DC are fab and wouldn't ask to go the cinema on a date night. They'd be far too excited about the babysitter letting them stay up and have ice cream.

It seems a bit sad to me that a man would have check with his wife it it's ok for him to see and spend time with his own kids.

How about your DH gets a babysitter for his two and you all go as planned?

What would you like me to say? Should I have started my thread with a list of all the things I like about them so you can all stop frothing? I made a factual thread about this scenario. I didn't realise I needed to tell everyone the depths of my relationship with my step children otherwise I must hate them.

If you'd like to know, I get on with them very well and their mum too! This isn't about them as people and I never suggested it was. Me having a good relationship with them and caring for them does not change anything about this scenario nor does it change the fact they don't really know my family.

I completely get not wanting to spring 2 extra people on your gran.
She can hardly say no when they’re your step DCs.

I would tell her your DP isn’t coming as he’s not feeling well and he can stay home with his DCs instead.

Could be, but I bet his kids don't think he's a dickhead. In fact I bet they think he's pretty great, which I'm guessing is what is most important to him, as it would be to me.

And I'm not anti step mum at all!! Just seeing so many posts about how he should have checked and they had plans etc. it's not some randoms he's inviting over, its his children.

Tbf most fathers I know would rather hang out with their kids than their in laws

Great, OP can do the same next time her DH wants her to do anything with his family then.

Ps my dh and I avoid issues like this by putting any kind of weekend event in the joint Google diary immediately so “forgetting” just doesn’t happen. It was wrong of your dp to just spring this on you- he should have pushed back on his ex, depending on the reason she wants him to have them of course

Are you being obtuse on purpose? I've already said he doesn't need permission and if we didn't already have plans I'd not have cared in the slightest. But yes on the occasions we've already made plans, especially plans which involve other people, I would expect him to consider that and speak to me. Would you honestly not?

I'm not bothered that she asked at all. Its a social thing btw but regardless she wasn't wrong to ask. I think he was wrong to say yes without checking considering we'd made plans.

Exactly. She isn't wrong to ask. But in this situation, my DP would communicate with me first: "ExW has asked me to have DSC this weekend instead of next, do we have any plans?" Etc. It's a discussion and it takes into account our existing plans and commitments. It's not just a drop everything and react type situation.

Yep. I'm sure people would think that absolutely terrible though.

And to the PP who asked, yes our son is my husband's child too.

@Gathering1 it doesn't matter what I think. Your husband clearly sees them as family, so sees zero issue in having them.

Tbh I could see where you were coming from at the start, but you just sound like a brat now who is huffing because she's not getting what she wants.

And I still can't get over the gran being allowed to organise her own dinner even though she's clearly been telling people it's stressing her out!!

@Gathering1 I think he's been pretty thoughtless towards you and your presumably quite elderly grandparents. Unfortunately as it's stepchildren you're getting the ridiculous responses here.

Or... how about their MUM gets a babysitter for her social event, instead? Since it was her who changed the plan and now wants to go out instead of having her children?