DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

If he's a good father simply for agreeing to take the kids that night then their mum must be a bad mum for coldly rejecting the poor lambs because she got a better offer.
No?

Yes. That is ENTIRELY the same thing...

I'd go by myself and leave DH at home with the kids!

Surely a child's mother and father just work out what works best for them and their kids? Mum says can you have children tonight? father would like to spend time with his children, so says yes.

Father would like to take children to family meal, partner says no, father stays at home with children and has a lovely time with them.

I would always put seeing my children over anything else (and yes that would include plans to see partner's extended family) so I don't really get why people think OP's partner wouldn't.

He suggested a way he could do both, partner says no, so of course he puts his kids first.

I can't believe she says they don't know them well enough to even consider asking them. Do they not spend at least some time over Christmas together? Very odd why get into a relationship with a man who already has children if you don't want see those children as family?

He WANTS to put his children first. It's not that he is obliged to, or that he would be a terrible person if he didn't, it's that he thinks it's the right thing to do.

Which frankly, it is.

Did she? I notice OP hasnt said exactlly what the 'better offer' was, perhaps she needed to change shifts at work, perhaps its something else which quite reasonably she spoke to the father of the kids about and rearranged the contact.

Perhaps the father thought it wasnt a big deal for his wifes step children to come to a family event, Im not sure I would have thought it was either

But seeing as it is, they can just stay at home, theres no need for any of the plans to change, they're more than old enough to look after themselves for a few hours.

This is where people really split down the middle - If I split up with DH and wanted to put my children (and ex DHs last minute invites to the pub or whatever) ahead of everyone and everything else, every single time, I would remain single rather than waste someone's time making them think I was up for a serious relationship or marriage.

@Holly60

No. In blended family situations all people's needs and wants and plans are respected, equally. DH doesn't just make his own plans with regards DSC with exW and so long as they are all happy, then sod the current partner and any pre planned commitments made with them. If my DP operated like that I'd have walked a LONG time ago. We work as a family unit and plans and any changes to them, take everyone's wishes into account. Any pre planned commitments are honoured except in emergency situations. Therefore, if DP and I had made plans to do something one particular weekend and exW asked him to have the kids as a last minute change of plan, the answer would be no, sorry, I have plans. Equally, if DP had agreed in advance to have his kids and I asked him to change the plan and do something with me instead, he would say no, sorry, I have the kids. It works both ways.

My parents and grandparents would have been delighted at the opportunity to get to know the kids and would certainly consider them ‘close family’. If catering is going to be tricky at short notice, order the kids a pizza.

People who are suggesting to talk to Gran clearly have different family dynamics. Last time my sister did our mum’s birthday party at her house and our mum was completely stressed out, came with some extra dishes, including cooked potatoes etc etc . Some people are just like this especially when they are older.
And why should OP spend her time cooking the day before? I’m sure she’s busy enough.
OP, you are having hard time for nothing. You’ve got joint plans for the evening which involved other people so your DH should have discussed with you before saying yes to his Ex. He didn’t so now it’s on him. He should call your Gran with his apologies and then stay at home accepting that even in this situation you are rightly pissed off with him as YOUR JOINT plans are affected for not a very serious reason.

Eh? I'm married but I would put my DC before my husband. Every. Single. Time.

He knows this (he is their father by the way)

@bellac11
I noticed that too, it could be absolutely anything and she was of course well within her rights to ask the question of her childrens father regardless of what the reason is.
I just thought since people were having such fun making stuff up to paint people a certain way that I would join in.

This is the absolute opposite of my stepson’s relationship with my family. He’s always been part of my family’s gatherings. He met them very early on in our relationship and sees them regularly. Because he’s family.

I also find it strange that a family let grandma cook her own anniversary family dinner (especially when they know she’s stressing), as well as exclude step children.

OK. So Christmas.

You’ve got a small number of celebration days of high value to everyone. And two separated parents who share them.

So you’re down to an arrangement where you have half the days. The SC have extended family on both sides. So you’ve got to fit that in too.

Do we think that maybe you maximise the time by seeing your husband’s family with the SC and fitting yours in when they’re with their mother. Perhaps?

Ahhh ok. See me and DH put the needs of our children first every single time. I'd feel sad to do anything else as it's how I was brought up and my self esteem and self belief is sky high as a result.

@Holly60
Eh? You would never tell your children "no, can't go to the cinema tonight, we have a nice dinner planned for our anniversary?" Or similar?
Whatever they want they get, regardless of your plans or your husband's feelings and he treats you the same way?
Rather you than me.

I rarely comment on stepchildren / parents threads. I already know that such a scenario wouldn't be for me (having a blended family) and generally think most people make decisions without thinking of the consequences and real-life difficulty of meeting all the children's needs

However, I am utterly struck by how dispassionately OP talks about these DC, really as if they are nothing to do with her. They have been in her life for 5 years, and were young when she met them. It's hard to believe she doesn't consider them as family (while she says she does, the attitude displays says otherwise)

In this situation I can understand mild irritation at DH but all the rest is a smokescreen for not wanting her DSC there. It really is no big deal to bring them along, having alerted gran.

The poor kids. There's no way they don't pick up on not really being wanted by OP.

Yep!

Talking about them in what way? Literally point me to something I've said that is so awful and horrible about the kids? All I've said is they aren't close family to my gran and grandpa which is who this evening is supposed to be for.

I don't really care if DH doesn't really want to go. He committed to going to celebrate and support my family. There are absolutely tonnes of things I do for my husband and his family and yes his kids that I'd rather not do but I do because he's my husband. It was his grandads 90th the other week and we went to that. Would have rather sat at home with a bottle of wine or with my son but I didn't because it's important to make effort with your in-laws sometimes. So yes, if my husband commits to going somewhere with or for my family I expect him to consider that and not just think 'nah, I've had a better offer now so fuck it, rather not spend the evening with some "wrinkles" anyway' (as a PP so nicely said)

He can stay home with his kids.
One less person your Gran has to worry about, with all the stress about having enough food and all.

I also find it strange that a family let grandma cook her own anniversary family dinner (especially when they know she’s stressing), as well as exclude step children

Well exactly, how can anyone say cooking (she doesn't even have to, but a takeaway) for two teens is so stressful for an old lady, yet happily let her cook for her own occasion? It makes no sense. I think it's lovely when SC are welcomed, really sweet.

Those who exclude and resent SC are odd, especially when you've had kids with their father - not directed at OP, just in general.

He WANTS to put his children first. It's not that he is obliged to, or that he would be a terrible person if he didn't, it's that he thinks it's the right thing to do.

His desire to have his children at the last minute might not always be compatible with previously made plans though. Like I said, he can be a good father while still taking others in to consideration.

He might think it’s the right thing to do by blindly agreeing to have his children, but that might be because he’s a dickhead who messes people about.

I'll remember that next time I'm expected to do anything for him or his family Inc DSC that I'd rather not do. 'no thanks, I'd rather be with my kid'.

Literally point me to something I've said that is so awful and horrible about the kids

It's more what you don't say. They just appear to be 'children' without any direct emotional connection to you.

I find that baffling after 5 years of being involved in their lives.