DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Your DH is unreasonable. He should never have agreed to have them as he had plans.

He should stay at home with his children.

Say you now have DSC that day so can no longer attend.

Why would OP herself miss her Grandparent’s special day because her DH’s kids are there? She doesn’t owe it to her stepchildren to not go.
And they’re her Grandparents, who she has known her whole life and might have a very special bond with. And yes, maybe more important to her than dsc.

I really dont need understand this whole discussion. Why there is an issue for OP to speak to the gran, explain the situation that there is no childcare and ask what food can she and her DH make to alleviate the burden on her. I would hope that my partner’s family would not exclude my kids from family gatherings where his kids are invited.

Say you now have DSC that day so can no longer attend.

😂 erm. No.

OP can you find out what your gran is cooking and make more of the same?
Your DH is an idiot to put you in this position but it's done now. Don't make the SC feel like they are to blame by making them all stay home!

I just love how this keeps being conveniently ignored 😂😂😂

So many people blaming the step mum or the grandparents and turning themselves into human pretzels trying to find ways for the OP to make this work. Not enough blame for the dickhead man who has rudely decided to ignore his previous commitments and dump his kids uninvited onto someone else's event!

Surely it's whatever HE prefers?

I can’t imagine having a family where any of this would be a problem. Why on earth would your gran get stressed about an extra two guests if they bring food or if they don’t want to go, DH doesn’t go. Seriously none of this is a big deal. They are children, not an imposition.

I don’t get why people are saying it’s extremely rude to ask if they can come. They’re the children who through no fault of their own are going to be with their dad for the weekend. Do families not have conversations with each other? If it’s not appropriate for them to go due to the GP wishes, is it that bad to say that their father has to do his job as a father that night so sends his apologies? In blended families, things like this may happen-I don’t understand the flouncing and taking offence and talking about rudeness. I’d want to help my children and their partners if something came up last minute or try to make the least worst option workable.

There his children he's not going to refuse because of a family gathering. Why can't they go with you. They are your child's half siblings so they are your family. This will give your side of the family chance to spend some time with them?

Ask your gran what she's cooking if she needs anything extra you can bring along. Help her in the kitchen so there's plenty to go around. Get the children to help setting the table. Or they could take everyone's drinks orders and help with that. Something to feel involved not outsider's. Get some flowers or an anniversary gift they can give them.

He is not a dickhead. He is a good father.

Ok but be honest, regardless of why it had happened, if you had to chose between spending the evening with your own DC or going for dinner with your partner's (slightly overwrought, it sounds) granny, which would you chose?

And it is OP who is making him chose, so ....

In U.K. you are generally considered a teen at 13.

Out of the many, many things you are being unreasonable about.

Just imagine if your DH re-remarries and someone is talking about your kid this way in 8 years time!

I bet he won't actually mind if he has to stay at home with his kids 😂

They are children, not an imposition
Their father seems hell bent on making them into one.
Honestly can't see how people can't see that making his exs last minute plans a problem OPs whole family must solve is anything other than rude.

Maybe he'd rather see his kids?

is it that bad to say that their father has to do his job as a father that night so sends his apologies?

Why isn't the mother doing her job that night? 🤔 If she were, this entire situation wouldn't have even arisen. She's the one who's expecting the arrangement to change last minute, and yet as long as dad is doing his "job" then we don't need to mention that..... hmm.

He can be a good father while still taking other people in to consideration. He wouldn’t be a shit dad for not saying no to his ex in a NON emergency.

I can't believe what I'm reading. A gram that's stressing over food, doesn't know your step kids despite you being in their lives since they were tiny.

I bet your dh will be over the moon to get out of a meal with you & them 🤣
He sound a great father

It's just different family cultures. In my family or DH's family, family gatherings are fairly relaxed over catered affairs where a couple of unexpected kids wouldn't be a problem, budge up, borrow a couple of chairs from the neighbour, extra carbs and veg. It would be weird to not to welcome siblings of a kid already invited who were unexpectedly available to join.

Your family sound much more formal both in the structure of the meal and the etiquette of invitation around it (it seems unusual to have specifically invited one sibling and not the others). Where it seems to be an imposition to even let the host know there has been a change of plans incase they say yes when they want to say no.

I don't know whether you are being over protective of your grandmother here or if she would fret and be offended if you brought food. I suppose you know her best.

If in your family it would be rude to give a day's notice of two extra mouths to feed then I suppose your husband will have to stay home with them, and I'd give their younger sibling the choice of whether to come or stay home with dad too.

I appreciate it things haven't turned out the way you hoped and you'd have liked your husband to have said no or to have asked you first, but I think it was probably a difference of family culture that he thought they were invited by default if they happened to be with you that weekend (even unexpectedly) and didn't realise it would really put the host out. It's not impossible that he was being thoughtless but in our extended families it's a "more the merrier, bring some extra (whatever food/drink would be helpful if it wasn't already over catered) with you please". It would be silly for folk to stay home and be left out - especially as granny would be coaxing us all to take home generous leftovers anyway.

He wouldn’t be a shit did FOR saying no to his ex in a NON emergency

Having kids isn’t an excuse to just ignore any responsibilities you might have to anyone else. Or change the facto this rude to let people down by pulling out at the last minute/otherwise changing plans to suit yourself.

actually, this come up all over MN. Having kids isn’t a license to not care about anyone else.

His children are his priority. He is a good father and no it is not extremely rude. It is more rude of her family not to think to invite his kids as they are part of her family. I do not see him trying to push himself onto that party either. He might he happy to stay at home and spend precious time with his children.

This is crackers. Just talk to your gran and bring more food that fits with the meal. We have some step kids in my extended family who never come to anything and I think it’s really rude on the part of their parents NOT to bring them (but still expect birthday presents Etc) when we’ve literally met them twice.