DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

He's unreasonable to think they can go to your Nan's. You are unreasonable to think he can uninvite them to yours now the DS think they are going to be with their Dad. You'll have to go alone and make the best of a bad job.

I agree with others that it is the sit down meal / Nan as hostess that's the issue. That's what your DH has messed up with. He will have to stay home with his kids but you're right to be annoyed he did not think it through. Make sure he and they know they'd have been very welcome with notice and then tell him you're a bit annoyed with him and then having made your point forget about it. Go on your own with your kid and enjoy the day.

Everyone messes up sometimes and perhaps your DH feels guilty about the amount of time with his kids, or feels that he can't say no in case his kids are hurt. Don't be too angry, just a bit miffed he didn't think it through and does not like to change his mind - it would be like pushing them away. You can't make the DS kids feel like a burden. It is not their fault, but you can't impose on your Nan - you're right.

But they are your family? Hospitality is everything. Just enjoy. I don't get it.

Why is it OK for the DH here to let his in-laws down by deciding he’d rather do his ex a favour?

It’s rude to pull out last minute because you’ve decided something better has come up. This isn’t an emergency.

It’s rude to decide to invite two extra people along at short notice. Even more so when you know the host is generally anxious about things like this.

It’s not fair to the kids to plonk them in the middle of someone else’s family event either.

In his shoes, you just wouldn’t do it. You’d tell your ex that you have a prior engagement and can’t accommodate them.

just as in the ex’s shoes, you’d totally recognise that your last minute request might not be something the children’s other parents can accommodate. Of course you would.

Since when is an 11 or even a 12 year old a teenager?

DH has said he’d have his kids? Fine (and, to some extent, fair enough -if he’s not the resident parent, he probably doesn’t want to say no, they can’t come). But then he stays at home and entertains them/feeds them/sorts them out. It’s not your problem - and it’s certainly not your gran’s! Bit different if it were a sausage roll buffet type thing, where two extra wouldn’t make much of a difference and you could take along a platter to add to supplies. It’s a formal mean for this elderly couple and their family; you can’t just add extra guests at zero notice.

As someone who had a stepmum and stepdad growing up, I do find some of the Mumsnet frothing about how step parents treat their step DC hilarious at times.

I hardly spent any time with my step parents families growing up. I'm now a well adjusted adult

I also don't consider them close family. Actually I probably couldn't even tell you a lot of their names... Pretty sure I'm not emotionally scarred because my step mum spent time with her Mum without me.

Anyway OP, it's completely unfair to turn up to your Nan's with two unexpected teenagers who probably don't want to be there either. It's DH's problem, so he stays at home with them. It will help your Nan more because without your DH there will be even more food to go around.

If you’ve been invited to a dinner/meal it would be very rude to ask if you can bring 2 additional guests. And this doesn’t change because the additional guests are step children!

I don't think it's unreasonable for the ex wife to ask. I would say that it was good practice to ask the other parent first. If she knew it was going to be boring for the kids then she might have had another babysitter that she could have asked but we don't know.

The person 100% in the wrong is the dad. He knows that the event is important and has accepted plus he had the choice to say no to the ex wife. As a side note he should be bringing up his children so they were capable of being left awhile, especially the older child

Am I the only one who thinks it's rude for the dh not to turn up to someones anniversary meal they've been invited too? I would have expected my exh to turn up to family functions tbh (but none of my family would have batted am eyelid at my ex ss coming last minute).

YANBU OP at all.

“they are not your grandparents’ close family so YANBU to not extend an invitation to them on behalf of your grandparents to something they have planned. Your DH should stay at home with them, and reflect on how much of a pillock he is for not being organised.”

^This.

I don't get why so many people are saying they should be 'close family' to the OPs family. As a step-child from the age of 5 I can count on 1 hand the number of time I spend time with my step-mums family...mainly her birthdays!

I have a great relationship with my step-mum but she was very aware that we already had grandma's and grandads, aunts and uncles etc.

I never felt I missed out...or unloved or unliked. There is no obligation there.

Yes the OP could make this work if she really wanted to by buying pizza or asking her Gran if they can watch a movie or relax while they eat. I think her warranted frustration at her DH is being transferred on to the kids which is unreasonable.

This

Bring extra food , problem solved . Please dont make those kids feel out of place , they should be as much family as your own kids , if not for your family than for you !
I can never understand how step parents put their step kids aside because its not convenient to take them somewhere. They should be family just as your own

Good. And then your child could be the inconvenience.

Really, some of you will be so shocked when your the ex wife & your precious is being sidelined by the new model & her family.

They are not teenagers & it could be a social services issue to leave them home alone.

My real issue is the fact that OP clearly dislikes her step kids and they were only wee when she entered their life. Doesn't consider them family & her family not knowing them says it all.

I'm a stepmum & a first wife whose twatty ex prioritises his daft gf over his kids.

It's refreshing to see a man refuse to be that guy.

It doesn't matter how close you are with your step children, they are not your grant's close family and not invited. It is as simple as that. Your husband knew you have plans and chose to override them. I would be annoyed. At the moment it is either him getting a grip and telling his ex he can't have the kids this weekend or he stays home with them. I wouldn't impose extra uninvited guests to your grannny

I can never understand how step parents put their step kids aside because its not convenient to take them somewhere
This whole farce only arose because their own mother found it inconvenient to take them somewhere 🤣

I bet he'll be glad to get out of it. Result. Cost night with his family. 👍

The antistepmum brigade are out in full force here.
Of course your gran wouldn’t see them as close family they do not visit her as they would their family and if they weren’t sue you’d never have thought to include them when she mentioned it to you.
DH shouldn’t have agreed to take them when you guys had plans as I’m sure their mum would have said no if she had plans but now it’s done it’ll be a case of him missing out too.
I hope you and DS have fun!

if you think the whims of the ex wife of the husband of a granddaughter of an elderly lady who wants to cook a meal for her family to celebrate her anniversary are more important than the elderly lady herself and her feelings on the matter.

This struck me too! This is a special occasion for an elderly couple; they’ve chosen to mark it with their close family. It is not an opportunity to introduce other people they don’t know into the mix; it will be an awkward dynamic for everyone and really unfair on the grandparents. If it were a casual drinks party with 80 guests? Different kettle of fish entirely. But totally disrespectful to them to rock up with two extra guests - whoever they are.

Really, some of you will be so shocked when your the ex wife & your precious is being sidelined by the new model & her family
I don't expect my children to ever be the centre of the galaxy for the grandparents of any future partner DH may have so it's not something I'll be worrying about too much to be honest.
Luckily my DH has enough respect for me as his wife to not be messing me around the minute his ex girlfriend snaps her fingers so our marriage is pretty solid and has now outlasted their previous relationship by some years.

It’s REALLY not that hard to understand or imagine.

• kids come EOW.
• Dad and SM treat this as protected time for the SC.
• Contact weekends are spend doing things with the SC or ensuring they get to see their father’s family
• Seeing your family, and a whole range of other things, are sidelined to the non-contact weekends.
• You even decline family events because you don’t want to take up the valuable contact time with the SC with your priorities and your family.
• The key thing is to consider the SC’s needs: to have a good relationship with their dad and their paternal extended family, so you make sure that’s what contact weekends are for.
• But this means your family don’t know the SC at all. They certainly don’t think of them as close family.

It’s not rocket science. And it’s not a ‘poor SC with the evil SM’ scenario either.

This

My family welcomed my SC as part of the family. As did their Mum's new partners family. I think it is strange otherwise. My SC came to both my GP's 80th Birthdays.

Your husband is extremely rude to invite his children to something at your grandparents home.

Extremely rude.
I'm sure this isn't the first time and won't be the last.

Go on your own with your child.

I wouldn't dream of asking your GM to cater for 2 extra.

He stays home and you have every reason to be pissed for his rudeness and lack of consideration.

He should have checked with you.