DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Of course you can't suddenly add 2 extra guests to a sit-down meal for 10, hosted by your elderly gran... with 24 hours notice!. Elderly people find things harder to cope with, and it's going to stress her out which is absolutely not OK.

It's probably too late for your DH to tell ex-W it's actually not possible, so DH will need to stay at home with his kids, and you go alone with your child.

I think you're entirely reasonable to be pissed off with your DH. Your Gran is expecting him, and you wanted him there for a special family meal.

Is your child from a previous relationship, or a very young child with your DH? If it's the later, I'd be super pissed off with him, because you'd expected his support with the young DC during dinner so that you could concentrate on your grandparents.

This is a really special family meal, with your family. That matters.

In this situation I’d speak to my Nan and ask what extra food I can bring along and prepare for them as it may be short notice but they are still your family.

OP I posted wrongly earlier. My twat exh always gave me the curtesy to check with me if his ex ever wanted to swap times and days. You should have been afforded the same.

Step children do not trump everyone else.

They're 11 and 14 and the dinner is only an hour away, they can surely amuse themselves without too much bother for a few hours.

I just wonder what this would be like if the ex wife had posted that she had asked her ex husband to change the contact weekend due to something coming up and he said no because his current wife had an anniversary dinner to go to for her nan that his kids cant go to. Yes I can just imagine it.

The obvious solution which hurts no one and benefits everyone is that the kids stay at home for the evening.

This is so lovely ❤️

Agree with this

I'll go against the grain and say I think your DH is being rude. They weren't invited because it didn't arise. It's rude to decide to bring anyone along to a meal that someone else is putting on without even asking.

I just wonder what this would be like if the ex wife had posted that she had asked her ex husband to change the contact weekend due to something coming up and he said no because his current wife had an anniversary dinner to go to for her nan that his kids cant go to. Yes I can just imagine it

it would be a sea of responses telling her to stop being unreasonable, he already has plans so can’t swap, and her social plans are no more important than his?

How can you possibly suggest that her grandparents should be ashamed? Unless they have a crystal ball, then they don't even know about this situation. How are her family vile and despicable?
Her wider family don't have to have any involvement with her stepchildren - they aren't their family.
Your comments are simply disgusting.

Yabu.

This thread is bonkers! The MN first wives club are out in full force and projecting, I can almost taste the bitterness.

Op, your DH caused all this drama when he should have told his ex, no sorry but I have plans for that evening.

It would be rude to turn up at your grandparents dinner party with 2 extra kids and a Dominos pizza, the kids probably wouldn’t want to go anyway.

When I was a stepmother the girls had very little to do with my family, we spent time with my husbands family when they were with us, why would they want to be around my parents, gran, uncles and cousins, they have their own elderly relatives who they are forced to see.

Either get a babysitter for the older kids or dh stays at home. Either way I hope you have a lovely time with your family.

Your Gran is already worried about not having enough food for the invited guests so you and DH cancel. Say you now have DSC that day so can no longer attend. The other invited guests are then guaranteed a good sized portion of food, Gran can share your potions out. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It does seem sad that DSC weren’t invited as par for the course. Surely then you could have requested a day change with their mum to allow them to join their sibling at the family event, a family they are like it or not part of.

Honestly, turn this around and actually think.

You have children from a previous relationship. They barely know the SD’s family (because when they’re with you, you do stuff with just them or with your family and see your H’s family when they’re not there).

Your husband’s elderly grandparents are having a wedding anniversary. They’ve organised a dinner. It’s on a weekend your older kids are due to be with their dad. The child you have with your DH is going because it’s their great grandparents’ party.

A couple of days before it, your ex asks you to swap weekends to accommodate his social life. Do you:

A. Say yes to the ex, demand your kids are invited, and drag them along to sit through a close family meal they’ll find boring and feel awkward at?
B. Say yes to the ex and ditch your husband’s family event because ‘my kids come first’.
C. Tell your ex that unfortunately you have plans that can’t be changed so he’ll have to decline his social event or make other arrangements for the kids.

How many people would actually do A or even B?

This! You beat me to it.

It's not a last minute "something has come up" - she's made plans and decided hers are mor important so she's sending her kids to their dads, who also happens to have plans at a pre arranged dinner. She would definitely be told she's unreasonable!

No I genuinely dont think so, people would say that he should prioritise his children and his time with his children over someone he presumably doesnt know that well

But in any case I repeat that there is an easy solution here, except that for some reason OP doesnt really want to consider how that could work. Perhaps she doesnt want her husband at the meal afterall

I simply dont believe that these children never have to spend time with each other without their mum there, does she never pop out to the shops or get home late from work while they're together in the house on their own.

Why assume it’s in their interests to use the limited time they have with their father to get to know the SM’s family?

Why assume they want that?

Surely it would be ‘poor kids’ if their weekends with their dad were taken up with prioritising the SM’s family?

I simply dont believe that these children never have to spend time with each other without their mum there, does she never pop out to the shops or get home late from work while they're together in the house on their own
Why isn't the easy solution to tell the ex to leave the kids alone at her house and save all the faffing about in that case?

I was prepared to say YABU. But these children aren't your grandmother's family really, certainly not close family.
I think your husband should stay at none with his eldest children. Will be much nicer for them to connect and spend time together anyway.Maybe they can go to the cinema.

Home*

Why can't he just call her and say sorry, no can do, forgot previous plans?

It's too short notice and they'd probably hate it anyway. They'll have to stay at home with DH.

Why shouldn't OP go ?
Its her gran and grandad, she clearly wants to go. Who knows the DH and his DC may have a fun evening with just the three of them.

I'm putting myself in Gran's position here. I'm a good cook and an experienced host but it's definitely harder as you get older.
I wouldn't be at all impressed if my DGD wanted to bring along her husband's kids from his first marriage at the last minute, just because his ex-wife suddenly had other plans. Especially if I don't know the children.
I'm already hosting a large party for a special occasion, for my close family. The dynamic would be completely changed and I would certainly stress about whether there was enough food too.
I'd have thought it rude and inconsiderate to be even asked and inclined to say sorry, no, not this time.

I agree @SiobhanSharpe .

We had a total of 10 people over for dinner last Saturday. I must be out of the way of it as I found the preparation stressful and was slightly relieved when one couple had to bail out due to covid. We couldn't have fitted two more without everyone being significantly cramped and it being a bit of a job to reach the kitchen hob and I'd have been annoyed that the numbers changed at such short notice.

Gran will be relieved to have one less guest if she's already stressing about numbers, and agitated to have two more. Seems like an obvious solution for the Dh not to go.