AIBU? Schooling and other issues!

[NameChange20183]

My husband and I have a son and he has an older child from a previous relationship who will be starting secondary in sept. Our son is 2.5, coming up to 3.

I work in my own business and do relatively well, it was hard going at first but it's really taken off and now I earn a good income. My husband's salary is good also, but not as high as my own (relevant).

I would like our son to go to the local private primary and then secondary and I am willing to cover the cost of this myself however my DH is saying we can't send one child but not the other.

How do we work things like this? I don't want my son to miss out on opportunities I can give him just because my husband and his ex can't afford the same for their child, I also do not want to have to pay for my step son though either.

I contribute a lot to the family, we have a bigger house than I'd need alone so that SS can have his own space and practically whatever he wants, I contribute towards his holidays and presents and experiences like days out ect..

But I do want to provide my son with some things that I won't always want / be able to give to step son. Is that reasonable? Surely it is?

I'm not even asking my husband to contribute. If he did that would be great obviously but if he feels unable to do that because of SS then I've said I'll pay the fees myself. Do we really stop our son from opportunities he could have because of this?

[Borisblondboufant]

What does SS mum think about it. Maybe she doesn’t want him to move schools. There would be a cost to her too probably.

[NameChange20183]

@Borisblondboufant

What does SS mum think about it. Maybe she doesn’t want him to move schools. There would be a cost to her too probably.

Tbh it's the kind of thing she'd kick off about if we were seen as favouring our DC.

[KarrotKake]

DSS would have left school by the time your son reaches secondary. Could you do state primary, private secondary?

[CornishGem1975]

Schooling arrangements for your SC are between your DH and his ex. It's up to them to decide what is best. Surely if SC was going to private, it would be up to her to agree and contribute, it's certainly not your responsibility. It also wouldn't stop me from providing for my own DC.

[Bonheurdupasse]

YANBU.
You can't let your life and more importantly your child's be controlled by another woman.
Let her kick off and ride out, don't try to mollify her.

[Bonheurdupasse]

*ride it out

[NameChange20183]

Tbh I'm not really arsed about her kicking off. I realised a long time ago she's unimportant really in my life. It's my husband who doesn't think it's fair.

[NameChange20183]

Where does it leave me I guess? My husband is my son's father and he doesn't think it's fair. Yes his ex would kick off but I genuinely don't care at all what she thinks. But he's my son's dad so what do I do? I don't think it's right for him to base his decision though on his other child rather than what's best for our son if that makes sense?

[lunar1]

When DH and I put our children into an independent school we both had to sign the paperwork for their admission so you are going to have to come to an agreement over it.

[funinthesun19]

When 2 children have a different mum, there sometimes comes different opportunities.

What would your dh say if his ex could send his older child to a private school? I doubt he would try to stop her all in the name of it not being fair on his youngest child. It would still all be in his youngest’s face, even if dh would be nothing to do with the payment of it. And I doubt she would want her child to be held back from opportunities that she can give her child just because of your child. The same applies the other way.

[Littlebirdyouaresosweet]

Next time he mentions buying /doing something for dss kick off and say it isn't fair on ds.... It isn't about fair but what each dc needs. Betting at secondary dss wouldn't be thrilled about a private school anyway!!

[CloudPop]

How do you think DSS would feel about it ?

[MayMoveMayNot]

I've been here.

My DD has older siblings who went through the state system, I wanted our DD to be in a local private school.

H's ex kicked off, my DH ignored her, between himself and his ex they couldn't cover their DC's fees but they've considered private before as they had 3 children.

Using the same ratio of H's income and mine (mine is not used to cover most of the SDC's) we could cover DD's, my child has different opportunities to them, as they have different opportunities to her, they live in two houses and we cannot replicate all the same opportunities for them across, some but not all.

Ultimately my DD actually has ended up at a state school, as the private one didn't work out for her, DH did feel torn and I understood that but I stood my ground for MY daughter.

It's the same deal for our wills, H's estate will be divided amongst his children, whereas DD will inherit from me.

[NameChange20183]

@CloudPop

How do you think DSS would feel about it ?

Well to be honest he'll be years into his own secondary school by the time our son starts the primary, unlikely to want to up and move just so everything can be 'fair' in the eyes of adults I'd assume?

If I ever did offer to pay anything toward SS's fees, I wouldn't be doing so prior to our son starting anyway so he'd have to move schools which as I say, how likely is he to want to do?

Do children care as much as adults about this? Would he even know my son's primary school is a private one when he's a teen in secondary? Personally I can't imagine caring all that much at 13/14 years old.

[Triffid1]

What stands out to me in this post is that you and your Dh appear to have totally different finances and that inevitably, you are going to land up with 90% of the costs for your DD. Also that because you pay more, you feel you have more say over your DD.

Basically, this argument feels like the tip of a much bigger iceberg that I'd be concerned about.

[paisley256]

Your son should have the opportunities you can give him, he shouldn't miss out at all because of the arrangements between your husband, his son and ex.

Their arrangements were made based on their finances and resources at that time. This is seperate to your finances etc now.

[PaddingtonBearStareAgain]

@Triffid1

What stands out to me in this post is that you and your Dh appear to have totally different finances and that inevitably, you are going to land up with 90% of the costs for your DD. Also that because you pay more, you feel you have more say over your DD.

Basically, this argument feels like the tip of a much bigger iceberg that I'd be concerned about.

This.

Also the comment about having a bigger house than you need because of SS.

You knew your DH had a child when you met.

He is a big part of your DH life and will be as equally important to him as your DC together.

[Blendiful]

I think YANBU. If H can't afford for both of his children, then they can't both have it. If you can afford it for yours then your DC shouldn't miss out. But H will need to agree.

I think maybe when DSS has started secondary he would not want to move and probably wouldn't want a private school, if it would be a strain to afford fees he wouldn't be able to acces the same stuff anyway so would stand out.

I would wait until nearer the time. Hopefully H will realise his DSS wouldn't want to move anyway and it won't be an issue.

[Dancingwithhyenas]

I don’t have a step child but I would struggle to have one of my children get something and the other not. I do see your DHs point of view.

[Dancingwithhyenas]

Could you afford (as a family or DH and ex) to send DSS to private sixth form if he wanted to?

[BaaCake]

You can pay for your child to go to private school if you want. Why should your child's education options be limited by the choice his ex has made and his and his ex's lack of income. Thats ridiculous.

[BaaCake]

@NameChange20183

Tbh I'm not really arsed about her kicking off. I realised a long time ago she's unimportant really in my life. It's my husband who doesn't think it's fair.

Life isn't fair. His kids have different mums. There will always be differences.

[NameChange20183]

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain

This.

Also the comment about having a bigger house than you need because of SS.

You knew your DH had a child when you met.

He is a big part of your DH life and will be as equally important to him as your DC together.

My point was there are a lot of things I pay more for (as in I contribute more than DH) for that benefit my stepson. I don't sit and count out how much mine and my son's bills are and say that's all I'll pay or whatever.

I pay more toward our home which yes is bigger than I'd need if I were single or just living with our son, I pay more and often the whole, cost of our holidays which include SS, I pay a lot toward his gifts and activities and so on..my point was my step son does benefit from my income but I think going so far as me having to pay for private school for him is ridiculous.

[NameChange20183]

@Dancingwithhyenas

Could you afford (as a family or DH and ex) to send DSS to private sixth form if he wanted to?

It depends what you mean by that? On paper I could afford to but it would be tighter than I'd like. If I were ever going to contemplate contributing toward SS's school fees DH would need to pay half and if his ex wants him to go then she should contribute to otherwise I don't see how she can say anything.

[BaaCake]

@NameChange20183

My point was there are a lot of things I pay more for (as in I contribute more than DH) for that benefit my stepson. I don't sit and count out how much mine and my son's bills are and say that's all I'll pay or whatever.

I pay more toward our home which yes is bigger than I'd need if I were single or just living with our son, I pay more and often the whole, cost of our holidays which include SS, I pay a lot toward his gifts and activities and so on..my point was my step son does benefit from my income but I think going so far as me having to pay for private school for him is ridiculous.

Did he actually suggest you should offer to pay for private school? That would be the end of any "extras" for DSC for me if DH did that. You are not a bank.