AIBU? Schooling and other issues!

[NameChange20183]

My husband and I have a son and he has an older child from a previous relationship who will be starting secondary in sept. Our son is 2.5, coming up to 3.

I work in my own business and do relatively well, it was hard going at first but it's really taken off and now I earn a good income. My husband's salary is good also, but not as high as my own (relevant).

I would like our son to go to the local private primary and then secondary and I am willing to cover the cost of this myself however my DH is saying we can't send one child but not the other.

How do we work things like this? I don't want my son to miss out on opportunities I can give him just because my husband and his ex can't afford the same for their child, I also do not want to have to pay for my step son though either.

I contribute a lot to the family, we have a bigger house than I'd need alone so that SS can have his own space and practically whatever he wants, I contribute towards his holidays and presents and experiences like days out ect..

But I do want to provide my son with some things that I won't always want / be able to give to step son. Is that reasonable? Surely it is?

I'm not even asking my husband to contribute. If he did that would be great obviously but if he feels unable to do that because of SS then I've said I'll pay the fees myself. Do we really stop our son from opportunities he could have because of this?

if you split you can send him where you want

Awful. And not true.

Separation is awful for children and where there is parental conflict, incredibly damaging in the long term. Going to a state school.... Not so much. What kind of world do we live in where people say, I didn't get what I wanted so the obvious answer is to walk away from the relationship.

See this is why I don't spend much time on MN. Posters can skim read through an entire post and see one line they don't like and spit their tea out over it rather than reading the entire post and subsequent posts to give it context... but hey this is MN.

You only get one life, if it is what your DS needs you do it. Would your DH actually be organised enough to do school applications anyway?

Fwiw I have 2 DC, one really bright and one who needs additional support. I am prepared to send the latter to a private school more quickly than the former (who will thrive anywhere) Life isnt about getting the exact same as your sibling.

No one is spitting tea. What do I say that you don't agree with.

There is no getting away from that. If you end up separating, that fact will not change. And it absolutely doesn't matter what his reasons are. You are BOTH parents to your child regardless of who has the most money or who has other children.

Of course it matters what his reasons are. Maybe not in terms of whether she can overrule him, but certainly in terms of whether he is being a prat or not.

This is what I meant.

I obviously know my husband has to agree before I can send DS. But I think his reasons are unreasonable. They focus entirely on DSS, who we don't even know will have any negative feelings about this, and not on DS.

Would he feel the same if this was private dental treatment?

SS = DH and EX decide schooling and both are to contribute if private schooling is chosen

DC = DH and YOU decide schooling and both are to contribute if private schooling is chosen. If DH does not wish to contribute and you are happy to pay yourself then that's fine

Thats all well and good but DH seems to be basing the decision on the fact the other child's mum can't afford it like OP can. I don't think it's fair to link the two children's lives together like this.

In the longer term it doesn't though. If they were to go down a legal route to determine schooling it all becomes a moot point....what matters at this point is the deterioration of their co-parenting relation and the subsequent damage this causes to their child?

He might well be being a prat according to OP (and other observers) but maybe to him he is acting out his deeply held values about fairness and equity. And this might be more firmly held because he doesn't live full time with his oldest child. This makes him human and ultimately one of the good ones. Maybe if Op could help him find a non-educational way for him to feel he was contributing and supporting his eldest child more, his guilt would be reduced and he would be more likely to agree to his youngest child being privately educated?

No it as it enables him to say ' nothing to do with me, I don't even live with her, she sends him where she wants' which absolves him from his guilt and any come back from a pissed off ex and other child feeling left out.

I’m not sure if it would ease his guilt to be honest. But in both cases (OP’s situation right now and if he split with her), he needs to realise he’s had children with two different women. The opportunities that each child gets from their mothers shouldn’t be dependent on each woman’s relationship status with him.

I think the DH gave up the privilege of having children with basically the same opportunities when he clearly chose to have them with 2 very different women.

Unless HE can make up the deficit, it sounds like OPs child will have a more financially comfortable life than the first child. That's not the OPs fault or responsibility to fix.

@BaaCake

You do not stifle your own child's opportunities in life because your husbands ex doesn't make enough money. Simple

Yes I'm agreeing with you. It's unfair on the kid with the better off mum.

I think the DH gave up the privilege of having children with basically the same opportunities when he clearly chose to have them with 2 very different women.

Unless HE can make up the deficit, it sounds like OPs child will have a more financially comfortable life than the first child. That's not the OPs fault or responsibility to fix.

Oh I agree with you. I was just making the point that if he’s that bothered about DSS not having the same opportunity, then surely he’ll be just as bothered about his youngest child if his ex was to say she’ll be sending his older child to private school.

But the dc are different.. They have different parents.

Op isn't responsible for making choices for her dss... Heaven forbid!!
Her dh should speak to his ex and see if THEY can pool funds.... If it was important to them surely dss would already be in private?

But the dc are different

They are. However her DH has an equal say in what happens with both. OP is acting like this is her decision alone. It isn't.

You're going to need your DHs agreement. It shouldn't be just fairness to DSS if you are responsible for the cost. You will need to argue the toss with him. In your position I would try everything to ensure my child got the best opportunities or save the equivalent in a trust for them.My own child needs private for SEN and if I take the entire responsibility the ofather backs off. Go hard in and see what they will accept. Different children your child will always be more provided for by you. That's just life.

I have DSC and two toddler DC. If I was able to provide my private education for my DC, I would do it in an instance. My DSC are older like yours and wouldn't want to be moved from their friends and school. Of course their experiences will be different they have different parents. It's fine. There's enough guilt with parenting, without step-parent guilt too! As long as you provide a warm and welcome home you can't be guilted into things that you never had a say in (ie your DSC primary education!). Give your child all the opportunities you want to!

you choose to have a baby with a man who had a child therefore opting for your life to not be straight forward. I think your being unfair in DSS, you signed up to blended family

Give your child all the opportunities you want to!

Absolutely. However she isn't the only parent and he has an equal say and for her DH they aren't the only child to consider.

you choose to have a baby with a man who had a child therefore opting for your life to not be straight forward. I think your being unfair in DSS, you signed up to blended family
HE choose to have a baby with two different women therefore opting for HIS life to not be straight forward. I think HE is being unfair on DS, HE signed up to blended family but the child didn't sign up for anything and should be provided with the best his set of parents can provide for him.

Nope disagree. OP chose to have a child with a man who already had a child. You only have to look at the threads on step parenting to know that life is complicated with blended families m. You don’t get to act like people do who only have one family.

HE signed up to blended family but the child didn't sign up for anything and should be provided with the best his set of parents can provide for him.

All very well and good, but he has responsibility for 2 DC not one.

OP knew he had a child, yet talks sbout resenting having to have a bigger house etc.

This is an awkward one, I can empathise on both sides. It would cause absolute carnage in our house if our two children we have together got something more or better than my DH’s daughter from his first marriage. I treat them all equally as I feel I should, but sometimes feel frustrated that I can’t do more for/with my own DC for fear of getting into an argument with DH.