AIBU? Schooling and other issues!

[NameChange20183]

My husband and I have a son and he has an older child from a previous relationship who will be starting secondary in sept. Our son is 2.5, coming up to 3.

I work in my own business and do relatively well, it was hard going at first but it's really taken off and now I earn a good income. My husband's salary is good also, but not as high as my own (relevant).

I would like our son to go to the local private primary and then secondary and I am willing to cover the cost of this myself however my DH is saying we can't send one child but not the other.

How do we work things like this? I don't want my son to miss out on opportunities I can give him just because my husband and his ex can't afford the same for their child, I also do not want to have to pay for my step son though either.

I contribute a lot to the family, we have a bigger house than I'd need alone so that SS can have his own space and practically whatever he wants, I contribute towards his holidays and presents and experiences like days out ect..

But I do want to provide my son with some things that I won't always want / be able to give to step son. Is that reasonable? Surely it is?

I'm not even asking my husband to contribute. If he did that would be great obviously but if he feels unable to do that because of SS then I've said I'll pay the fees myself. Do we really stop our son from opportunities he could have because of this?

Lots of sound advice here, but this sums it up well.

It sounds like DSS is 11 and DS is 4. I agree with others saying DSS will barely notice and not care. It’s not like they are much closer in age, leading to a huge contrast in education. If his mother is bothered then tough.

Ideally, DH should give half towards school fees, or at least what he feels he can provide in the bounds of the equality he wants for both children.

Totally agree with PPs saying don’t ever get into funding private education for DSS as this could be disastrous for your finances.

So as a mother you would pay for private dental treatment for one of your kids but not the other? no I wouldn't, as my dental plan covers any of my kids. Same as in this scenario where OP's income covers the income for her child.

*education

The only problem here is your DH and he is the one who needs to be fixed

Imagine -

'The only problem here is your wife and she is the one who needs to be fixed' when she has already said no.

I certainly wouldn’t be preventing my DC from
accessing this opportunity because of your SS.
If your DH agrees that this is what’s best for your DC but not agreeing when you’ve said you’ll cover the cost then he’s just being a child.
He has 2 children in 2 different sets of circumstances and he’ll have to just deal with that.

Also for reference, my DC and DHs DCs are all at different schools to each other (for various reasons) That choice has been made based on what’s best for them.
Ultimately sometimes you might just need to accept that one child misses out on something because they can’t always have the same all the time.

For example if your SS already attended a private setting because DH and SS mum were paying half each, and it meant that DH couldn’t afford to contribute to your DCs school fees, and you couldn’t afford it on your own, what would you do? Kick off and say he’s got equal responsibility to provide for both his children? Absolutely and I think most people would be lying if they said they wouldn’t. But, your DH can’t afford both, so realistically the conversation stops there.
it’s not fair, but that’s how it is.

So either your DH does something to change his financial situation (if your SS mum would even agree to him moving) so that he’s able to pay and send them both and SS mum pays something if she can.

Or if it’s just the financial guilt he’s feeling then maybe your DC goes to a private school and you both pay towards fees and your DH pays the same amount as half the younger DC fees for your SS to have a tutor or do some extra curricular activities?

I think, OP, if you can have your child in an independent without your DH contributing to fees and without any kind of shift in how you manage household finances and with a clear plan as to how you will manage any periods of financial difficulties (illness, accident, recession) without expecting him to make a contribution to fees or make a shift in household finances, only then will he be able to look his older child in The eyes and say he didn’t give his younger any opportunities he didn’t give him.

I think it is important to see this from your DH’s perspective. I also think that unless you have enough money in savings today, plus at least 15%, to cover your son to 6th form, you can expect your DH to be concerned. Independent school fees are a long haul. Life shifts and changes continually. If the money comes from business it is subject to market whims and your own continued good health. Once your son is in an independent, neither of you will want to take him out.

Your biggest issue here is getting your DH to agree. Fundamentally, this may now cause some problems for you and your marriage. Is there a compromise? Senior school only in independent? Additional extra curricular activities whilst in primary? Waiting for an agreed period of time to get more funds together for an emergency slush fund? Are you prepared to separate over it (and still have an issue with the private school because he will have to agree to him going)? Have you looked at your local state primaries plus at least a couple of local independents with an open mind?