AIBU? Schooling and other issues!

[NameChange20183]

My husband and I have a son and he has an older child from a previous relationship who will be starting secondary in sept. Our son is 2.5, coming up to 3.

I work in my own business and do relatively well, it was hard going at first but it's really taken off and now I earn a good income. My husband's salary is good also, but not as high as my own (relevant).

I would like our son to go to the local private primary and then secondary and I am willing to cover the cost of this myself however my DH is saying we can't send one child but not the other.

How do we work things like this? I don't want my son to miss out on opportunities I can give him just because my husband and his ex can't afford the same for their child, I also do not want to have to pay for my step son though either.

I contribute a lot to the family, we have a bigger house than I'd need alone so that SS can have his own space and practically whatever he wants, I contribute towards his holidays and presents and experiences like days out ect..

But I do want to provide my son with some things that I won't always want / be able to give to step son. Is that reasonable? Surely it is?

I'm not even asking my husband to contribute. If he did that would be great obviously but if he feels unable to do that because of SS then I've said I'll pay the fees myself. Do we really stop our son from opportunities he could have because of this?

Absolutely do NOT pay for DSS's school fees. That is ridiculous. It costs a bloody fortune.

This. Your dh needs to understand that he has a choice, find the funds together with his ex, to provide dsc with fees, or not, but it's outside your remit.

You are entitled to provide for your child as you see fit..

It will use up any money you might have wanted to use to help your child at uni or get a house. Or if they need private medical treatment later.

DH should have an open discussion with DSS about it as DSS gets older, including putting a possible private sixth form on the table (he obviously has some time to save up for this). Then DSS will at least feel he is being included and treated as a mature participant, and given an opportunity in line with what his own parents can afford to offer - albeit not private schooling all through.

(But I'm not suggesting you pay for DSS!)

Is it just the unfairness that's upsetting DH? As in ideologiCAlly do you think he'd want DS to go to private primary school? Would you financing the next 14 years of education for DS affect the overall quality of life for the family? Does DH think it gives you an upper hand as "the parent who provided you with a brighter future"

I think it's something you should both agree on, which is hard if you're dead set against a state education. So it might be a pen and paper job for pros and cons and consequences (what happens if I enroll him in Private Primary against your wishes, kinda thing)

What would happen if you and DP split?

Could you afford housing, childcare and school yourself?

I think this is really tough. I'm not a step parent, but my husband is to my daughter. I wouldn't feel very comfortable if my husband announced he wanted our mutual child to go to private school if we couldn't afford to send both. On the other hand, we actually did consider sending DD to private, but I didn't expect my husband to financially contribute at all and instead worked out the budget with DD's dad (and in the end she chose a state school anyway). I've actually checked with DD that she would be okay with her little brother attending a private school even if she didn't (and even though she could have but chose not to!) because that kind of perceived unfairness can affect relationships for life.

I wouldn't want my kids to have radically different opportunities in life.

This is a tough one as both points of view are valid and I understand why DH would feel uncomfortable.
However. DH won't be treating his children differently as neither will have private schooling paid for by him. So all equal there.
If we go down the road of limiting what you provide your own child to the lowest denominator where does it end? DSS didn't get swimming lessons aged 5 so neither can DS? DSS mother didn't open an ISA for him at birth so neither can you? DSS parents didn't save for his first car so you can't now but your DS one for his 18th either?
Where do you draw the line?

We've had the junior ISA argument.. I quickly put my foot down there. I'm saving for my child and he and his can do whatever they like for their child. It's not my fault they can't afford it.

As long as you’re not expecting your husband to treat his children unequally and are prepared to cover the entire cost yourself, then yanbu to hope that you could do this for your son.

I wouldn't want my kids to have radically different opportunities in life.

What if your older child’s father could pay for private school? Would you say no because your youngest child wouldn’t have the same opportunity? If so, then that’s fair enough.

I earn more than DH and have SC and a child with DH, so very comparable situation.

Our DC went to private school whereas my DSC went state.

Tbh, I didn't really consider the anomaly. I paid my son's school fees. My DH and his exW were much younger when they had their DC and his exW is not a high earner. The children have different mums with different incomes and different lives, that's just how it is.

The DC are all grown up now & if there is any issue, I have never heard it.

They already do have different opportunities. Each of their mums offers something different. Should one mum not organise piano lessons for example just becuase the other isn't interested in music?

I think, honestly, I'd put your dc in state primary because you'd need your dh to be on board for private, & currently he is not. That's the 'now'. Also, it's unlikely to make a huge difference to ds unless the nearest state primary is truly terrible. Much more sense to quietly put that money aside for uni etc.

Come your dc's secondary choices, dss will be done with school anyway, & unlikely to care much where his much younger half sibling goes. Your dc will have decided views, & might want to go to state secondary, at which point you can hardly march him in to a private school much against his will.

Also, being horribly pragmatic about it, who knows what relationship you'll be in by the time your dc starts secondary?

Let's say you & dh have separated, & he's on to dw3 & dc3 by then. You're going to take a fairly dim view of him trying to dictate where you can send your joint dc, at your expense, based on whether he can manage it for his potential third family, I'm guessing.

I'd suggest this is a 'keep the powder dry' situation, tbh. Frankly, if your dh is hugely opposed to the idea of private primary, you just won't be able to insist unless you split - & not always even then.

Of course you do what’s best for your child. If your SS’s mother doesn’t like it - tough!
Im not in your position but if I were there is absolutely no way I’d pay for my step children to have a better education if their parents weren’t going to.

Of course you do what’s best for your child. If your SS’s mother doesn’t like it - tough!

It isn't tough if her DH doesn't want it.

This. Get it over and done with now. Start as you mean to go on.

your finances are none of her business. Her child isn’t your child and they’d never be attending the same school anyway

YANBU

im a step mum and soon to be mum my DS will go private because I have worked my backside off to put myself in a strong financial position. Why should my child not get the best if I can afford it just because two other perfectly capable adults can not.

It’s not the step mother’s responsibility to keep her SS’s mother happy! Nor is it her husband’s - the child is the priority not their mother. Unfortunately a lot of mother’s are confused by this and think they’re the priority. Certainly was and still is in my situation, despite the children being adults!

Perspective from me - I was privately educated, have two younger full siblings and two younger half siblings (I don’t think of them like that, but for clarity’s sake) and two step siblings that were in the same school year as me - my Step Dads child, and my Step Mums child.

I was the only one that went. Frankly, none of my siblings would have been offered a place even if they had wanted to go, which they didn’t.

My Dads parents funded most of it.

My Dad didn’t want me to go.
My Mum did.

My Step Dads ex kicked off, would not have it that he wasn’t the one paying for it. He sure as heck did not have the funds for it, nor did my mother.

My Step Mum also kicked off, tried to demand my Grandparents pay for her child to go there too - unable to acknowledge that her child would also not have been offered a place, and that my Grandparents had only met her child a handful of times as she lived with her own Dad/Step Mum, 250 miles away, not my Dad/her Mum.

It made zero difference to any of my sibling relationships, despite all the bullshit between the various parents.

Private school is rather different to state and none of them envied my 6am starts, 70 minute commute and getting home at 6pm.

As an adult, if I had missed that opportunity due to the opinions of people I wasn’t even related to, I’d have been fucking furious.

Both my kids go to private school but I would feel exactly the same as your DH.

They are both his kids and he will love them equally. This wouldn't sit right with me either

So my son can't have anything unless DH and his ex can afford the same?

No one would bat an eye if it were DSS going.

Im curious, does it only matter because me and DH are together? If we were separated and I wanted to pay for my son to go, would it be fine then?

I understand your rationale regarding your wills. But do be aware of the pitfalls - elderly relatives of mine had the same type of wills and died close together. His will (stepdad) left his share to bio children and hers to all three. However, after he died the house had to be sold to pay for her care fees so his bio children shared half the house value, he had nothing. Step dad had been in his life for 40 plus years and was gf to his children. It's caused an almighty family divide between the sibs, which in turn has affected their children who were previously close cousins.