AIBU? Schooling and other issues!

[NameChange20183]

My husband and I have a son and he has an older child from a previous relationship who will be starting secondary in sept. Our son is 2.5, coming up to 3.

I work in my own business and do relatively well, it was hard going at first but it's really taken off and now I earn a good income. My husband's salary is good also, but not as high as my own (relevant).

I would like our son to go to the local private primary and then secondary and I am willing to cover the cost of this myself however my DH is saying we can't send one child but not the other.

How do we work things like this? I don't want my son to miss out on opportunities I can give him just because my husband and his ex can't afford the same for their child, I also do not want to have to pay for my step son though either.

I contribute a lot to the family, we have a bigger house than I'd need alone so that SS can have his own space and practically whatever he wants, I contribute towards his holidays and presents and experiences like days out ect..

But I do want to provide my son with some things that I won't always want / be able to give to step son. Is that reasonable? Surely it is?

I'm not even asking my husband to contribute. If he did that would be great obviously but if he feels unable to do that because of SS then I've said I'll pay the fees myself. Do we really stop our son from opportunities he could have because of this?

[howtomoveforwards]

I think, OP, if you can have your child in an independent without your DH contributing to fees and without any kind of shift in how you manage household finances and with a clear plan as to how you will manage any periods of financial difficulties (illness, accident, recession) without expecting him to make a contribution to fees or make a shift in household finances, only then will he be able to look his older child in The eyes and say he didn’t give his younger any opportunities he didn’t give him.

I think it is important to see this from your DH’s perspective. I also think that unless you have enough money in savings today, plus at least 15%, to cover your son to 6th form, you can expect your DH to be concerned. Independent school fees are a long haul. Life shifts and changes continually. If the money comes from business it is subject to market whims and your own continued good health. Once your son is in an independent, neither of you will want to take him out.

Your biggest issue here is getting your DH to agree. Fundamentally, this may now cause some problems for you and your marriage. Is there a compromise? Senior school only in independent? Additional extra curricular activities whilst in primary? Waiting for an agreed period of time to get more funds together for an emergency slush fund? Are you prepared to separate over it (and still have an issue with the private school because he will have to agree to him going)? Have you looked at your local state primaries plus at least a couple of local independents with an open mind?

[Flappingfloof]

Also for reference, my DC and DHs DCs are all at different schools to each other (for various reasons) That choice has been made based on what’s best for them.
Ultimately sometimes you might just need to accept that one child misses out on something because they can’t always have the same all the time.

For example if your SS already attended a private setting because DH and SS mum were paying half each, and it meant that DH couldn’t afford to contribute to your DCs school fees, and you couldn’t afford it on your own, what would you do? Kick off and say he’s got equal responsibility to provide for both his children? Absolutely and I think most people would be lying if they said they wouldn’t. But, your DH can’t afford both, so realistically the conversation stops there.
it’s not fair, but that’s how it is.

So either your DH does something to change his financial situation (if your SS mum would even agree to him moving) so that he’s able to pay and send them both and SS mum pays something if she can.

Or if it’s just the financial guilt he’s feeling then maybe your DC goes to a private school and you both pay towards fees and your DH pays the same amount as half the younger DC fees for your SS to have a tutor or do some extra curricular activities?

[Flappingfloof]

I certainly wouldn’t be preventing my DC from
accessing this opportunity because of your SS.
If your DH agrees that this is what’s best for your DC but not agreeing when you’ve said you’ll cover the cost then he’s just being a child.
He has 2 children in 2 different sets of circumstances and he’ll have to just deal with that.

[janetscomfyshoes]

The only problem here is your DH and he is the one who needs to be fixed

Imagine -

'The only problem here is your wife and she is the one who needs to be fixed' when she has already said no.

[BaaCake]

*education

[BaaCake]

So as a mother you would pay for private dental treatment for one of your kids but not the other? no I wouldn't, as my dental plan covers any of my kids. Same as in this scenario where OP's income covers the income for her child.

[MeridianB]

@Iwonder08

In your shoes, without any hesitations I would send my child to a private primary. You have one child to support and you are doing it all by yourself. Your DH doesn't seem to argue about state school being better, he is concerned about all things being equal for both of his children. First of all he should strive to do better for his eldest, not to drag the youngest down. Further more he, as a parent provides equally nothing to both of them in terms of their education. There is nothing to resolve there.
Don't let him sacrifice your child's needs for the sake of perceived equality. It is likely your DSC has no desire to move schools or care about his younger half sibling's school whatsoever.
The only problem here is your DH and he is the one who needs to be fixed

Lots of sound advice here, but this sums it up well.

It sounds like DSS is 11 and DS is 4. I agree with others saying DSS will barely notice and not care. It’s not like they are much closer in age, leading to a huge contrast in education. If his mother is bothered then tough.

Ideally, DH should give half towards school fees, or at least what he feels he can provide in the bounds of the equality he wants for both children.

Totally agree with PPs saying don’t ever get into funding private education for DSS as this could be disastrous for your finances.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Magda72 Well said!

[Magda72]

However - split families are not the same. There is already guilt carried by the non resident father, attachment issues with kids, resentment that daddy is living with his new kids ect ect.
@janetscomfyshoes a very wise therapist once said to me that guilt is the most destructive of all human emotions & she's right!
'Split' families don't have to be dysfunctional or less than. Many however ARE extremely dysfunctional because one parent feels guilt or is made feel guilt by the other parent who in turn persuades the dc to make the nrp feel like crap! The guilt is pointless because what is done is done & the only way for split families to thrive is for the adults to pull up their big person pants and normalise the situation for the dc.
Normalising the situation looks like the parents having decent boundaries, putting personal grievances aside to work together to co parent their dc, balancing partners needs & the needs of the dc, respecting that partners and dc need space from one another & explaining to the dc that ALL families can never treat all dc the same as a) different dc have different personalities & needs & b) the circumstances of any of the adults involved can change meaning changes & sacrifices might have to be made.
The reason the vast majority of blended families don't work is because of all this hand wringing that gets done over the poor dc & subsequently putting said poor dc on pedestals instead of just treating them as per an intact family.
I've said on here before that my exh was absolutely unapologetic for leaving & taking up with the ow which pissed me off mightily for a good while. However, retrospectively I can see it was actually very good for my dc in general as they were treated like family over in his - not mini deity's.
Exh is now earning way more than he used to and his dw and 2 other dc are benefitting mightily from that & his 2 younger dc will most likely go private. My dc get this - they get that his circumstances have changed and don't give a crap about who's getting what.
More are more families are split/blended and the only way forward with this is to stop with the guilt and start normalising things.
Divorce is truly crap for kids but if handled the right way it can work out really well. The problem is the vast majority of divorced parents still operate from a position of codependency & high emotion (no matter how long ago the divorce/split) and it's THAT dynamic that causes most of the problems - NOT a sm working her ass off to provide for her own child.

[Iwonder08]

In your shoes, without any hesitations I would send my child to a private primary. You have one child to support and you are doing it all by yourself. Your DH doesn't seem to argue about state school being better, he is concerned about all things being equal for both of his children. First of all he should strive to do better for his eldest, not to drag the youngest down. Further more he, as a parent provides equally nothing to both of them in terms of their education. There is nothing to resolve there.
Don't let him sacrifice your child's needs for the sake of perceived equality. It is likely your DSC has no desire to move schools or care about his younger half sibling's school whatsoever.
The only problem here is your DH and he is the one who needs to be fixed

[aSofaNearYou]

@janetscomfyshoes

So your argument is essentially that the younger child should go through life constantly disadvantaged by their father's guilt around the DSC. I don't class that as emotional intelligence.

The dentist analogy you've used really illustrates how foolish and cruel that is to the younger child. You'd rather both children suffer with toothache just because it would make you feel guilty to allow the one that can have treatment to receive it. You'd rather bury your head in the sand and make your child suffer for it than acknowledge the reality YOU chose - which is one where your two children come from different mothers who will be able to do different things for them.

I made it clear to my DP before having DC with him that I wasn't going to live that way and deny my child things because of his other DC. We would make decisions together about our child, but it wouldn't revolve around whether DSC was able to have the same things. I wasn't going to raise a child that way.

[janetscomfyshoes]

@Youseethethingis1

how would you feel if you had two kids that had tooth ache, one could see a private dentist but the other had to wait weeks, genuinely how would that sit with you as a mother
As a mother, how would it sit with you to tell your child whose other parent could pay for the treatment required that they must suffer until their half sibling was able to go to their dentist, not because it was necessary but because it made you feel bad that you could not provide this advantage for either of your children?
How could you look your child in the face when you were needlessly and deliberately extending their suffering?

Well it would feel shit all round really wouldn't it.

Thats the point.

[janetscomfyshoes]

@Magda72

Also - in many 'intact' families some dc get private education & some don't. I know many families whose finances improved over the years and so could afford to send younger dc to private school. I also know other families where certain children were sent private as the parents thought that private school was a better fit for certain dc than state school.
In all of these cases no one passed judgement; no one thought certain children were being overlooked; no one batted an eyelid.
Again - it's only in blended families that people choose to take issue with every bloody thing one child gets that another doesn't.

Yes me too, in fact with in my own family. First child went to state - huge gap between 2nd & 3rd. 2nd and 3rd go to private.

My friends son goes to private as he is extremely bright, won a partial scholarship, the other two kids go state.

No eyes blinking here.

However - split families are not the same. There is already guilt carried by the non resident father, attachment issues with kids, resentment that daddy is living with his new kids ect ect.

And again this isn't a new pair of trainers or a new bike or even a hotly contested holiday - this is a long term investment in to the child life, more than the cost of buying house.

Blended families are a mine field and needs adults going in to it to have really high emotional intelligence - which is often lacking.

[LaDiDaaa]

@janetscomfyshoes

So as a mother you would pay for private dental treatment for one of your kids but not the other?

What if you had one child that didnt live with you, how would you feel if you had two kids that had tooth ache, one could see a private dentist but the other had to wait weeks, genuinely how would that sit with you as a mother?

Would you honestly use the excuse 'but my new husband is paying for it'..how do you think that would sit with your other child? Would you honestly be able to look yourself in the face.

Just because he is a father and lives in a different house to the other child doesnt mean he wouldn't feel the injustice of that.

I don't know why women get with men that already have children then feel shock that he doesnt want to treat the kids differently.

How is this remotely similar? One of them involves a child in pain and suffering and the other is about choice of school. DSS won't suffer because he doesn't go to private school. Millions of children don't.

[Youseethethingis1]

how would you feel if you had two kids that had tooth ache, one could see a private dentist but the other had to wait weeks, genuinely how would that sit with you as a mother
As a mother, how would it sit with you to tell your child whose other parent could pay for the treatment required that they must suffer until their half sibling was able to go to their dentist, not because it was necessary but because it made you feel bad that you could not provide this advantage for either of your children?
How could you look your child in the face when you were needlessly and deliberately extending their suffering?

[janetscomfyshoes]

@BaaCake

Why is that worse though. Why would you want one of your kids to suffer for longer just becuase the other can't be seen quicker?

So as a mother you would pay for private dental treatment for one of your kids but not the other?

What if you had one child that didnt live with you, how would you feel if you had two kids that had tooth ache, one could see a private dentist but the other had to wait weeks, genuinely how would that sit with you as a mother?

Would you honestly use the excuse 'but my new husband is paying for it'..how do you think that would sit with your other child? Would you honestly be able to look yourself in the face.

Just because he is a father and lives in a different house to the other child doesnt mean he wouldn't feel the injustice of that.

I don't know why women get with men that already have children then feel shock that he doesnt want to treat the kids differently.

[funinthesun19]

Again - it's only in blended families that people choose to take issue with every bloody thing one child gets that another doesn't.

You’re so right.
I’m just going to put this scenario out there now.
What if the stepchild is settled in school, happy, doing well etc? And then what if the younger child is like my eldest DS, who is not NT, struggles emotionally and socially and would really benefit from a small private school rather than the mainstream one their sibling goes to? If that child’s mum could pay to give them a much better and settled start in life you would hopefully absolutely encourage her to. Instead of saying no you can’t do that because stepchild.

[Magda72]

Also - in many 'intact' families some dc get private education & some don't. I know many families whose finances improved over the years and so could afford to send younger dc to private school. I also know other families where certain children were sent private as the parents thought that private school was a better fit for certain dc than state school.
In all of these cases no one passed judgement; no one thought certain children were being overlooked; no one batted an eyelid.
Again - it's only in blended families that people choose to take issue with every bloody thing one child gets that another doesn't.

[aSofaNearYou]

You want him to go to private school - fine.
He wants equal opportunities for both his children - fine aswell.

They will never have identical opportunities because he chose to have them with two different women. He needs to accept that reality instead of acting like a child.

[BaaCake]

@janetscomfyshoes

I think this is worse tbh.

One child suffering in pain because they cant get in at the dentist for weeks and the other is able to be seen on the day.

That really is the difference.

Why is that worse though. Why would you want one of your kids to suffer for longer just becuase the other can't be seen quicker?

[Magda72]

@NameChange20183 you sound great & have achieved lots. Don't let society or your dh undermine you. You are one of those (many) sms whose decent earnings & work ethic actually make the lives of the 'first family' a hell of a lot easier than they otherwise would be.
You have worked hard to provide for your child & your dh should be grateful & proud that you are doing so & that you are prepared to fund his second child's education by yourself.

[janetscomfyshoes]

@BaaCake

Would he feel the same if this was private dental treatment?

I think this is worse tbh.

One child suffering in pain because they cant get in at the dentist for weeks and the other is able to be seen on the day.

That really is the difference.

[vivainsomnia]

Its not unreasonable at all. I bet your SS doesn't care one bit, it's just parental guilt.

My concern would be more about affording it. What if your business suddenly take a hit? There would then comes the dilemma of taking him out or you oh paying which then could very much impact on SS. It would be good to agree a back up plan.

[Chewbecca]

One of the factors that triggered our final decision to send DS private was that I got an unexpected inheritance which pretty much covered primary fees. That meant I really did pay all the fees myself & probably prevented any guilt from DH.
exW had zero knowledge of DS's schooling funding or decisions, we literally only discussed DSC with her.

[flowergirl2020]

YANBU
Let's face it, if you had offered years ago to contribute to SC going to private school you would likely have been told it's none of your business. You can't win really. If they wanted their child together to go private they could have done so. As long as there isn't unfairness between both children I don't see an issue as disparities in things like this are down to parental choice and circumstances at the time. I think you're main issue now is getting DH to agree. Seems like he holds some guilt to sending one private and not the other but the way I see it is that is happening in a large part because you have created and established a thriving business. A lot to be proud of xx