AIBU? Schooling and other issues!

[NameChange20183]

My husband and I have a son and he has an older child from a previous relationship who will be starting secondary in sept. Our son is 2.5, coming up to 3.

I work in my own business and do relatively well, it was hard going at first but it's really taken off and now I earn a good income. My husband's salary is good also, but not as high as my own (relevant).

I would like our son to go to the local private primary and then secondary and I am willing to cover the cost of this myself however my DH is saying we can't send one child but not the other.

How do we work things like this? I don't want my son to miss out on opportunities I can give him just because my husband and his ex can't afford the same for their child, I also do not want to have to pay for my step son though either.

I contribute a lot to the family, we have a bigger house than I'd need alone so that SS can have his own space and practically whatever he wants, I contribute towards his holidays and presents and experiences like days out ect..

But I do want to provide my son with some things that I won't always want / be able to give to step son. Is that reasonable? Surely it is?

I'm not even asking my husband to contribute. If he did that would be great obviously but if he feels unable to do that because of SS then I've said I'll pay the fees myself. Do we really stop our son from opportunities he could have because of this?

I think your DH is being bang out of order tbh, especially with you paying for it in full. He is unreasonable to expect this level of sacrifice from you and your DS.

My child will be going to private school when the time comes. My SO's stepson will not, because his mum has multiple kids and she can't afford to send them all.

I sacrifice a lot for my stepson. I will not limit my bio children's future to keep someone else happy. Thankfully my SO agrees with me. Doesn't mean he loves his other son any less.

Don't see how this is an issue. Do what you think is best for your children.

Absurd your son can have whatever you want, especially if you are footing majority of the bill. Send him to both and don't pay any attention to anyone. His parents could of sorted private education if they wanted too and if they couldn't afford it then that's absolutely fine and their circumstances, I highly doubt you will lord it over step child and would the child even want to go? / be jealous?

I'm glad people are saner on here anyway. I posted on another forum not sure which would get most traffic and the replies are mental.

One poster even suggesting that I should ask DSS if he wants to to to private secondary (funded by me) and if he says no then I, yes I should put the money away for him that I spend on DS's schooling so he can spend it another way when he's older. MY money!!! How entitled.

Its a bit different than a new pair of trainers.

This is an investment in to your childs life - which I get, I send my kids to private.

Your DH will feel guilty and no matter how many times you repeat to his ex or his son that you are paying for it it will always look like he is aiding your ability too, it will build in to resentmentat either you or his son.

If you split then you can send him where you want

This is my point though, my son is only allowed the opportunities that my step sons parents can also provide? He has a different mother so that's not going to be possible in every aspect of life.

If my husband and his ex could afford private school and we're sending DSS but couldn't afford two lots of fees should DSS be pulled out because my son wouldn't be able to go as well? I'm guessing the answer would be no.

This is my point, people only give a shit when it's a step child apparently missing out. If he were going and my son not, no one would care.

MY money!!! How entitled.

If8t qas a man shouting about MY money, when they are married, there would be uproar.

It is her money she can shout out all she likes!

Cry me a River. If it was OP's stepson going to private school instead everyone would tell OP to get over it and 'think of the children'

I'd understand him if he was being told he should put thousands upon thousands of money into his step child's savings before he was allowed to spend any money on his own kid.

And I contribute in SO many ways toward SS.

Just because I don't want to pay thousands upon thousands for his education doesn't equate me to a financially abusive husband.

I think YANBU.

But I'm surprised that you say it would all be ok if it was the other way around (DSS going to private school). Are you sure? Why wouldn't DH think that was unfair? Isn't this all about treating his two children the same?

Looking forward to seeing you say that on threads where it is the man talking about HIS money

I think this is a stupid argument tbh.

Your DSS has a school ready to go to im assuming. He'll be there a few years already by the time you send your child to primary. You do not have to send your child ti the same primary as their older step sibling, you can send them wherever you want. Why would a teenager care where his younger sibling goes to school 10 years after him? He just wouldn't. And he'll be finished school by the time you send your son to secondary.

Your husband is over thinking. Send your child wherever you want them to go.

Ha ridiculous isn't it.

This is my point, people only give a shit when it's a step child apparently missing out. If he were going and my son not, no one would care. for a lot of people yes it does seem this way!

The other angle to look at this from is to ask "if OP wanted to send her DSS to private school, would she have the power and authority to pull him out his current school to do so?"
The answer is no, because she isn't his parent. No say, no pay.

YANBU. But I think you need to be prepared to fund it yourself. That way your husband can in turn fund his son to have the same opportunity. If he can't afford to, or chooses not to then I'm afraid that's life. Also consider if you're planning more children can you afford fees for them too?

You will always get people on here saying 'id do this! I would do that!' but in reality its you who are married to him and he has already made his feelings clear.. which I get tbh.

This is a HUGE long term financial responsibility you are taking on and I do think he does have some say on it if you are living together.

If you and DH split up would you honestly be able to pay for your home and his schools fees - because I tell you its a heavy burden once you start. Mine started at kindergarten. We nearly had to pull them at the start of covid because of business pressure and the thought of pulling them from school nearly killed me off, maintaining those payments whilst our business was crumbling was a fucking nightmare.

You also need to look at what would happen if you split. Can you afford to pay the school fees AND pay all the bills in your home?

Whats going to happen if you have a second child? You cant send one with out the other then you will NEED him to contribute in some way.

That way your husband can in turn fund his son to have the same opportunity
But then he would be contributing to one of his children but not the other, and we are back around the "it's not fair" merry-go-round once again.

If you split then you can send him where you want

Doesn’t that contradict your argument that the father will feel guilty though? At least keep it consistent. That’s why he’d hopefully kick up a fuss if DSS’s mum could afford private school and OP’s child couldn’t go to private school.

Yeah, I honestly don't know what I would do. I'd definitely feel conflicted.

No it as it enables him to say ' nothing to do with me, I don't even live with her, she sends him where she wants' which absolves him from his guilt and any come back from a pissed off ex and other child feeling left out.

Step families are hard, non resident parents carry guilt just for not even living in the same house as their kids and sending one to private and not the other may be a little hard for him to swallow.

Ultimately your husband should have as much as a say as you do in where his child is educated. There is no getting away from that. If you end up separating, that fact will not change. And it absolutely doesn't matter what his reasons are. You are BOTH parents to your child regardless of who has the most money or who has other children.

It is not a black and white issue. You married a man with a child. It speaks volumes of the kind of father he is that he is struggling with this decision. Instead of reacting with incredulity and anger, remember that he is responding from a place of loyalty and love for his child. The same loyalty and love that he would show YOUR child if the situation arose. This is admirable.

Having said all of that. Like a previous poster, my own family consisted of some children who went private and some who didn't. But unlike the previous poster, it did cause major divisions. The resentment only got worse as the children grew up. Financially, all of the children are probably doing equally well, but they differ very much when it comes to outlook, experience and politics. It's almost like they don't know each other anymore and it's sad.

That's not to say you shouldn't send your child to a private school. But if you and your husband are in conflict about it do think about how the tone of this decision will impact the children. And think about whether the scale of the conflict that may arise and the consequences of it might off set the benefits of a private education in terms of your child's future happiness.

I'd agree with that.

Both DC are his whether OP likes it or not and he does get an equal say in what happens to the child they have together.