18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

If we are going to do gender comparisons, at least compare the same scenario.
Would I as a mother of 4 children, allow my 19 year old to maintain his own dedicated bed when he doesn't even live with me while my husband and I bunk I in with our 4 year old?
Not sure I would. I'd want my 4 year old to have the same opportunities in life as my elder children as far as could be managed. I'd not think of my little one as the poor relation who must always be held back.
There's your comparison.

Well it all depends on the specifics of the situation, doesn’t it?

all the possible ifs make a big difference to what would be fair.

What have the arrangements been previously? Has this tween appeared from nowhere, or is it a switch from EOW to 100% residency? Has the child’s mother died? Who else lives in the house?

Whose house is it? Is this the former family home that was part of the SM’s divorce settlement on the basis that she would be housing the daughter? Who pays the mortgage? Is there a mortgage?

What are the DD’s circumstances and plans? Is she about to go away for university? Does she have a job? Does she have additional needs? Does she have a relationship with her father?

So many questions. The main take away here is that it’s always about about specific circumstances. Stepparenting whataboutery doesn’t change the specific circumstances in this case.

How cold. You were counting the clock for a dss to move out? As long as you're together with their dad they'll be your family forever you know? Of course he'll spend time home, it's his home! Jeez.

I would actually be surprised if all the posters advocating that he be booted from the home actually took their kids beds away at 18 because they do actually believe that once you are 18 you are too old to have a bed in the family home and should be out on your own

If my child only visited and had a primary home and room elsewhere at her dad's, then yes I would expect her to give up her "claim" to her room at mine in favour of the younger ones. She should be old enough and mature enough to appreciate that the younger ones need the space. She could sleep on a sofa bed when she visits.

So. The OP is cold to put her childbearing hopes on hold for five years, in order to give her best help to the DSCs?

Don't think so. It IS cold to be demanding that the OP give up her childbearing hopes so that an adult DSC can have a room reserved permanently for his use when he has another house to live in.

Do they have the biggest bedroom in the house? Iff not they should and you and DH have the middle one. The room with the most people in it should be the biggest and so on downwards.

I have been in the middle room for years and tbh it doesnt bother me at all now I am used to it. The fact is that I spend a fraction of the time in my room than the kids spend in their so it makes sense that they have more space than me.

Indeed. It doesn't exactly make the youngest feel like a valued member of the family if the rest of the family won't compromise for them.

Well… I think that when you plan a family, including whether you can afford one more child, you usually look at whether you can actually house all the children, regardless of their age.

If the comment is that it’s awful to have to say ‘Nope I can’t have one more child because I can’t plan for a bigger house’ then yes it’s awful. But it’s also a reality for many people, and part of being a parent - to ensure that every child has a space to sleep + put their belongings.

I don’t think that the solution of the youngest child in parent’s bedroom should have been considered a medium term solution.

However, the child is here and a solution is needed. One that allows that child some space away from its parents. One that also allows the older children to still be welcome to that house.
The best solution will be found by involving everyone. It can include a sofa bed in the living room, the 3 boys sharing the bedroom (partition wall, bunk beds etc… all have been proposed). Even better if they can manage to transform some other space (a conservatory, loft etc etc).

But it’s also a reality for many people, and part of being a parent - to ensure that every child has a space to sleep + put their belongings.

He has room for that at his mums. Again, I don't understand the obsession with needing to spread the posessions over two houses. He can bring what he needs when he visits and use a hold-all or suitcase. He is old enough to understand this.

Well… I think that when you plan a family, including whether you can afford one more child, you usually look at whether you can actually house all the children, regardless of their age.

When you divorce, you have to face the fact that your children's living standard will be negatively affected. If your children get to stay in comfort with Dad, because wife no. 2 provides the means for this to happen, then you cannot expect her to stay childless to preserve the lifestyle of your existing children.

My DSC actively prefer this. They hated having two of everything.

I have to agree that one of the first things to think about when planning a child is "Where will we put it?!".

There were already 2 adults and 3 kids in a 3 bed......what was the plan that could be relied upon? And I mean a concrete "We will do X if Y happens and A if B happens" not some wishy washy "oh it'll be alright, DSS will probably be away at uni and will have a GF he can stay with even if he is still home".

It was incredibly irresponsible to plan a child in that way, and I am sorry to say it but yes sometimes you do have to sacrifice things. The OP and her DH could have either sacrificed their desire for a child, or at least put it on ice for a few yeas. She could have sacrificed her relationship with a man with kids in order to be in a better housing position with a non-father to have her own. He could have sacrificed his relationship with the OP in order to adequately provide for the kids he already had. They could have sacrificed financially in order to get a bigger house.

Seems to me that they put very little thought or planning into have a child and are asking all of the kids involved to sacrifice things rather than themselves.

I don't know anyone whose kids stay in the holidays.

Well… I think that when you plan a family, including whether you can afford one more child, you usually look at whether you can actually house all the children, regardless of their age.
A friend of mine had 3 dc all 18 months apart in age - this was a deliberate choice. 2 boys & 1 girl.
When the youngest was 10 she got pregnant again - deliberately - as she was about to hit menopause and wanted one more child. She knew the eldest would be 18 & going to college by the time the youngest hit preschool age. They were in a 4 bed & couldn't/didn't want to move. The baby stayed with them until she became a toddler & then moved in with her nearest in age brother until the eldest did his exams. Once the eldest moved to uni the toddler got her own room & the eldest slept in with his brother when he came home.
Did anyone vilified her for wanting another child that she technically couldn't afford? No.
Did anyone vilify her or lecture her on displacing her eldest or imposing on her other son? No.
Did anyone vilify her for not buying a bigger house? No.
Because she is in an intact marriage no one questioned their decisions & no one (dc included) felt like they were being overlooked or 'booted out'.
So - if this is acceptable in intact families then why is it not acceptable in blended families?
Why are step children deemed more important than any other children?
The double standards around this are completely ridiculous & actually very offensive & damaging to blended families.

@PyongyangKipperbang the op DID put off having a child!
For Gods sake life can't be planned down to every last detail! We're human beings - not pre programmed robots!

*There were already 2 adults and 3 kids in a 3 bed......what was the plan that could be relied upon? And I mean a concrete "We will do X if Y happens and A if B happens" not some wishy washy "oh it'll be alright, DSS will probably be away at uni and will have a GF he can stay with even if he is still home".

It was incredibly irresponsible to plan a child in that way, and I am sorry to say it but yes sometimes you do have to sacrifice things. The OP and her DH could have either sacrificed their desire for a child, or at least put it on ice for a few yeas. She could have sacrificed her relationship with a man with kids in order to be in a better housing position with a non-father to have her own. He could have sacrificed his relationship with the OP in order to adequately provide for the kids he already had. They could have sacrificed financially in order to get a bigger house.

Seems to me that they put very little thought or planning into have a child and are asking all of the kids involved to sacrifice things rather than themselves.*

Furthermore - my parents had 5 kids in a small 3 bed house and we all survived just fine!
The pearl clutching & hand wringing on this thread is actually becoming ridiculous at this stage!
"WHY WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN"! (Eyeroll, Eyeroll, Eyeroll)

I would expect to need to provide a permanent bed space until at least 6-12 months past the end of university for any child.
If they are not attending university, it might be a bit younger.

that gives them a buffer to find a job, save up a deposit, and figure out the logistics of where they are going to live as an adult.

op, you have many more years to go here on housing these kids and need to find a permanent solution. Honestly, if you can’t provide housing, your best bet might be paying for student housing. It doesn’t solve the weekend and holiday issue, but it would take some of the pressure off. And yes, I realize he has a second home, but that really doesn’t matter. This is his home too.

Sorry to disappoint you but I had 6 in a 3 bed house. Shared rooms etc. But the point is that (bar one accident!) they were not conceived until a definite plan of how the house would work and where they would sleep etc was sorted and none of it was on the back of some vague idea of one of the older ones maybe moving out (large age gaps). We changed up some of the downstairs space, the dining room was a bedroom for a couple of years for example. Everyone had a proper bed, not an air bed as the OP mentioned, they had space for their belongings and the conservatory was a study/playroom as it was too hot for a bedroom.

I have no issue with large families, I have one. But I do have an issue with the parents blithely popping out another kid without a clue of how they will live and then expecting the kids to be the ones to sort out their lack of planning.

My family was planned properly not just done in the vague hope that "It'll be ok....."

@PyongyangKipperbang you haven't disappointed me in the slightest!

And, advice on changing up the layout is precisely what the op came on here looking for, but of course the usual anti sm brigade started jumping down her throat & putting words in her mouth because she was talking about a sdc not a dc.
Furthermore, presumedly the fact that the sdc also live with their dm was a factor in op & oh deciding to have a child after a 5 year wait!

As a SM myself (well sort of...not married to my partner) I have no beef there.

My issue is that they had a child without any real thought about how they would accomodate all of the kids in the same house apart from "Oh well eldest will probably be at Uni". Are you seriously telling me that you think that that was in anyway a responsible thing to do?!

The decisions on how to change up the house and the sleeping arrangements should have been done BEFORE the baby was even conceived, not nearly 5 years later!

And I would be saying the same if all of the kids where shared children of the OP and her DH.

@PyongyangKipperbang
That's an awful lot of life changing sacrifice expected of everyone else, rather than asking an adult to sleep on the sofa.
They all made the sacrifices for him when he was a child and it's time to draw the line.
Where is the sense of perspective?
Alternatively, maybe the child who didn't live there when the OPs baby (who cannot now be sent back even if he's inconvenient to everyone) was conceived gets told to move back out because her brother should not have to compromise on a thing. How would that be?

Funny how in this thread the oldest DSC is said to be an adult and should act like one. Whereas in many other threads people argue that your brains haven’t matured by 19yo and you don’t really become an adult until about 25. I suppose it depends on what you are wanting the young person to do and how it fits your narrative.

why would you assume any of the posters here would be trying to argue that 24 year olds are just children on other threads?

There’s a difference anyway between a young adult transitioning in to adult relationships and roles (a transition that increasingly delayed for social not neurological reasons in the 21st century) and a child anyway.

Thats why you need to make the age appropriate decision to make all sorts of changes in how you handle them. The infantilisation of young adults in this country is not good for them. Or society.

Oh definitely not the finished article at 19, no doubt about that. But surely by that age you have enough about you to realise that the 4 year old child needs his own bed in his one and only home, and since you have several other options maybe you should think about taking one of them?