18 and still coming every other weekend and lots of holidays

[mommabear2386]

Having a bedroom dilemma we have a 3 bed house and SD 16 (lived here full time for 9 months ) has the small room to herself and my two SS15& 19 have the larger double EOW and half holidays etc some random nights too.

Issue is our Bio som now 4 starts school on sept and has always shared our room so the boys kept there own space etc but I now want to move him into this room permanently and they can still share when over.

I want a double bed with a pullout / trundle underneath. Currently it's bunk beds for the two elder but they are two old for these now.

Issue is the 19 year old is still staying all the time and I kind of figured he would stop / be away at uni so it would only be the 15 year old to cater for in terms of beds.

Any advice??

What about a triple bunk like this? With little son the bottom
https://www.bedkingdom.co.uk/noomi-triple-stak-solid-wood-bunk-bed.html?foc=264&fook=2277f3c27d26989e159f072f3eda766d&fos=gplauk&cqqsrc=googleads&cqqcmp=16801363375&cqterm=&cqqplac=&cqnet=x&cqqplt=gp&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkJPP-8at-AIVHurtCh0tzg5LEAQYBiABEgKq2DDBwE#80=700

I would actually be surprised if all the posters advocating that he be booted from the home actually took their kids beds away at 18 because they do actually believe that once you are 18 you are too old to have a bed in the family home and should be out on your own. Maybe some did, but I bet many of these posters saying the 19 year old should be gone still have 18 and ups or will have 18 and ups who will still have a bed in their home.

If you value all four children in the family - you find a way to give them space in the home while they are still teens and in school.

Sure, you might, but this is an assumption. Plenty of parents even when the children only live in one household don't do this and it does not mean they don't value their children. You've given examples that are different to the OP but there are plenty that are comparable too - I think Magda was one of them, but many parents DO reorganise the bedrooms so younger children take the room of the one that has just gone to uni. This is a common and valid parenting approach. The one most supported on MN, where you would keep a room free for them indefinitely, is both privileged and non universal.

"Teens in school" is a bit of a misleading way to describe 19 year old's at uni, too.

No one is suggesting he be booted out! People are saying that given his age AND the fact that he's at uni AND the fact that he also has space at his dms that it is only fair that his younger brother (who has no other home or space) be now given priority!

you find a way to give them space in the home while they are still teens and in school.

The eldest is no longer in school. He’s left school and has been at university all year. His circumstances have changed. His needs are different.

telling him the 4 year old needs the bottom bunk all the time is not ‘booting him out’. it’s talking to a young adult about the realities and adjusting accordingly. No one is stopping him sleeping on the sofa whenever he likes. Or staggering when he stays so he can use the top bunk while his brother sleeps at their mum’s.

Older children in any family find that the needs of their younger siblings start to take priority over their choices as an adult. Maybe less obviously where there are greater resources but switching the rooms around to better meet everyone’s needs is normal. As is having your choices constrained by the available resources. Growing up is about living with those constraints as best you can - that might mean you have fewer choices than a kid with richer parents (or other different circumstances).

The situation here is the eldest is now an adult. He has 3 younger siblings. 1 girl; 2 boys. The girl and youngest boy live only in his dad’s house. His other brother and he stay in both houses. There are only 3 bedrooms and not enough room for 3 beds in any of them. So trade offs and pragmatism are required. A young adult should have to compromise in this situation. There are younger children with greater needs than him. He’s old enough to recognise this.

But he hasn't gone away to live at uni. If he had moved out, that would be a different scenario.

But he hasn't gone away to live at uni. If he had moved out, that would be a different scenario

You keep saying that without really taking on board any of the rest of what people are saying to you.

Booting out and not having your own, dedicated bed and room (even if shared) are not the same.

For what it’s worth, my eldest son does not have a room in my house and hasn’t done so since he was 19. When he stays, he sleeps on a camp bed on my WFH office. Because it’s about balancing everyone’s needs. He recognises he doesn’t need a bedroom here, and that he’s still welcome to be here whenever he wants to. But he’s a young adult; he’s got his own life.

indeed. It makes no difference if he’s gone away to university.

going to university is a transition. It’s a life change. Alongside it other things change too because you’re now an adult.

Thats true whether you go to university in Australia and barely come back or decide to go to a local university.

Maybe in a family with more resources the young adult could keep a dedicated bedroom in two houses for as long as they fancy. But this is a young adult who knows he’s got 3 siblings and space is an issue.

If "booting out" is what's happening by taking away the adults dedicated bed and space in the home, is it not appalling that the youngest (and apparently equal) member of the family has never been "booted in" in the first place?

I agree with this - and I can’t lie I’m usually one of the people on here thinking that step-parents are unreasonable! The 4 year old deserves his own bed.

And to be honest by 19, the vast majority of people should be more than mature enough to realise they should be prioritising a 4 year old. If someone had said to me at 19, ‘your 4 year old step-sibling needs a bed of their own so you might have a bit of a rubbish sleeping arrangement when you’re here’ I would’ve said that’s fine and cracked on. Sorry if I’ve missed but have you actually asked the 19 year old? If he’s a decent lad he may well say he doesn’t mind at all being plonked on a trundle when he’s here.

Is it possible for you to swap rooms with the boys OP if their room is a funny shape, could yours accommodate the bunk and a single bed better? Could you fit your bed in the boy's room?

Hope you can figure something out OP for everyone to be comfortable and happy.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander basically summed up my thoughts far more succinctly here:

A young adult should have to compromise in this situation. There are younger children with greater needs than him. He’s old enough to recognise this.

Lots of families will do make room allocation choices that are most suitable for the current circumstances and revise them as required. It’s common for people to make decisions, for example, that one child gets a box room to themselves while two siblings share, but for that to change because they’ve finished their (school) exams and now the middle child needs the box room so they can study for their exams. Or that younger siblings will share and the eldest gets a room to themselves, but have to share with a much younger same sex sibling when an other sex sibling gets too old to share. All sorts of things.

families allocate the resources they have to meet the needs as best they can. The 19 year old has had a bed at his dad’s for years while his youngest sibling had bunked with his parents. Now the youngest sibling needs a bed in a non-parental bedroom. The young adult is old enough to understand that.

Indeed.

but it’s fine that he’s shown that he’s never been important because there’s a 19 year old who has made a choice to stay at home for university and shouldn’t possibly be asked to make any changes.

Yes, he also should have a bed. I think when people have kids - they should think do we have room and money to provide a bed and space for this child. Just like can we afford food. To me ensuring your child has a bed is essential.

And this teen has never had his own bedroom. No one is talking about keeping a bedroom for him.

And as I have said repeatedly, looking at how to create space is the key factor. I am not saying there should be no change. I am just disagreeing with the people who are against him having a place to stay at his dads.

This would be an interesting scenario. If a woman posted that her husband's tween needed to live with them and this meant that her 18 year old needed to leave tthe home and no longer have her bed / bedroom to make space for the younger child - I wonder who many would agree that yes, her daughter is a young adult and it is completely appropriate that she be asked / expected to leave the home to make space for the younger child.

I think when people have kids - they should think do we have room and money to provide a bed and space for this child
OP and her DH did. They put off conceiving for 5 years, and were ok to share with their child for a couple of years but DSD moved in and the eldest DSS hasn't moved on as expected. Things change.

And this teen has never had his own bedroom. No one is talking about keeping a bedroom for him
Not sure anyone has said any of them need their own entire room, apart from the DSD. The teen hasn't been singled out, he's being expected to muddle through like the rest in an age appropriate fashion.

I don't think anyone is against him having a space at his dad's if it is feasible, but it doesn't sound like it is beyond a sofa surfing scenario.

@Midlifemusings virtually no one has suggested he shouldn't have a place at his dads - they're saying he should have an amended space!

That’s a different scenario entirely. No one is ‘booting anyone out’. Just changing who gets the least desirable sleeping situation. Someone is getting the non-permanent ‘bunking’ situation here regardless. It’s time that it was the young adult not the primary school attending child.

Presumably the tween stayed before that and there were sleeping arrangements in your scenario snyway.

If a woman posted that her husband's tween needed to live with them and this meant that her 18 year old needed to leave tthe home and no longer have her bed / bedroom to make space for the younger child - I wonder who many would agree that yes, her daughter is a young adult and it is completely appropriate that she be asked / expected to leave the home to make space for the younger child
Clearly that would be wrong in a situation where the 18 year old had nowhere else to go. If she was going off to uni and lived with her other parent, that's a different scenario again and a younger, needier child would have to take priority. Although I can see that in your scenario the tween not even being the girls own sibling might make it sting more, so once again not the same thing with he genders cleverly switched.

And this teen has never had his own bedroom. No one is talking about keeping a bedroom for him.

If I'm correct, this teen has always had a room at Mum's and for the last 9 years has had a room at Dad's. Meanwhile OP and Dad have been squished in one room with the youngest son. I'm thinking this 19yr old is pretty self-absorbed to not have noticed how inconvenient this arrangement is for everyone else.

I notice nobody comments on the kindness and decency of the OP in welcoming her SD full time, even though it entirely screwed with her own plans. Possibly even her hopes for a second child of her own.

Well yes, we could add to the scenario that teen daughter has a bed at her dads house so no need for her to have a bed at moms. She can sleep on the floor or the sofa is she wants to stay at moms house. But it is younger kids who need the beds and rooms and surely as a young adult she will do her part and not expect her own space and her mom will support her giving up her bed and space for a younger sibling.